AIBU husband upsetting me 5 months pregnant

[hellogoodbye91]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4, no children (just yet!)

We have had a couple of losses the last 3 years but finally conceived our much-wanted rainbow baby in September and I’m now 20 weeks pregnant.

He has always been a good husband. However, recently he seems to resent absolutely everything I do.

Today’s example: As it’s currently snowing/icy (has been for last 3 days) and I work from home. I’ve been staying in right now, because I’m scared of driving on the ungritted roads, or slipping on pavements full of black ice.

As I’ve had losses before, I’m quite anxious and have had additional mental health support for this pregnancy.

We usually buy our groceries separate as DH doesn’t like to eat meals together (he doesn’t eat carbs) and so today, as he was already going to get his grocery shop and our household bits, I asked him if he could get me 10 items from the shop for me to eat while he was there, as I had ran out of food.

He reluctantly said yes, but made it clear I needed to “pay him back straight away“ so that he’s “not out of pocket”. I agreed and said I always do!

His argument is that I should have just gotten a grocery delivery in and that he “didn’t necessarily need his stuff straight away” so it was putting him out to go. But personally, even if he wasn’t going straight away, I think it’s the least a husband can do is to pick some bits up for his pregnant wife while he goes to get stuff for himself. Don’t know if I’m alone there.

Anyway, flash forward to him coming back from the shops and I run to the door to open it for him in case he’s struggling with bags. Straight away he berates me and says I’m no help anyway and that he’s had to traipse around finding “obscure” items for me (it was items like bread, ham, pasta and a few frozen bits).

He then, quite literally, throws the receipt down in front of me and says the least I can do is sort that out and pay him now.

Bearing in mind, while he was out I did the dishes, dried the dishes and put the clothes washing away, but I got berated because I “don’t do anything.” He told me he did a spring clean of the cupboards earlier on “for me” and that I should have been doing that myself - he says he has to do everything for me and that he has run around all night after work doing stuff for me (the cupboards - which I never asked him to do - and the shop).

I work myself in the day, Monday-Friday, 9-5, and last weekend spent my time spring cleaning multiple rooms myself. However, he says “I don’t do anything”.

I started to get really upset at this point and asked him why he was seeking out an argument with his pregnant wife. He will never just let something drop once he’s in a mood and he doesn’t let me being pregnant stop him - he’ll have at me regardless.

AIBU to be really angry and upset here. I am so disappointed. I honestly feel as though he just resents me existing right now.

I am half funding my own maternity via savings and then he will fund the other half.

Hold on, you're still paying half of the bills while missing work to care for your SHARED child?

Dump him.

@hellogoodbye91

Please speak with your midwife.
At each appt we always ask how your mood is and about domestic abuse as it has many forms. We will ask sensitively and give you the opportunity to disclose your concerns.

Safeguarding is a huge part of our role, for you and your unborn child. If your husband attends your appts there are other ways of the midwife being informed of DA.

We can offer support through multiple agencies. You are so vulnerable right now and stress can impact on your pregnancy and your own mental health.
Please reach out for help. You have asked MN as you know deepdown none of his behaviour is normal.
You and your baby need and deserve more.

@MillieMollusc

My first thought ‘is this even true?’ I mean surely not 😢

WOW...😡

' I earn more '

OH what a surprise - not !

'DH doesn’t like to eat meals together'

apart from sex

what do you do together ?

What the ACTUAL FUCK is this vile man? I cannot even begin to comprehend how you manage to stay in the same room let alone the same house when he is speaking to you/treating you like that?? You're five months pregnant, you're working, the higher earner, still doing housework and yet he's being utterly horrible to you. Please, please try to get some perspective on this. He will be just absolutely utterly awful to parent with OP.

Get the hell out of dodge, fast.

Sorry, I read that you're paying more of some bills.

Fucking hell.

Why have you procreated with this man?

Dear OP please please please heed this advice, this is not a healthy and safe relationship and environment to raise a child in.

@hellogoodbye91 congratulations on your pregnancy and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.

can I ask - hand on heart, in your day to day life prior to this pregnancy do you tip toe around situations, conversations, his moods etc to avoid him throwing a strop?

Do you find yourself not disagreeing, complaining or questioning things as it will set him off?

would you feel embarrassed and have to defend staying in a relationship with him if you were 💯 honest with mates and family about all the things big and small in your relationship that aren’t quite ‘right’.

if your child got into a relationship like this in 20 years time would you tell them to run?

the finances, food, support… this isn’t a loving supportive relationship. Ask yourself who’s been carrying the relationship the last few years?

If you were my daughter you’d be back at home getting mollycoddled and I’m sorry you are loving like this. I’d honestly rather live my own life and be single then continue in this opppressive environment.

Massive squishes and good luck. x

He sounds awful, does he have any good qualities? I’d hate to think of what he will be like once baby is born

My goodness, this sounds absolutely horrendous. I genuinely feel too shocked to articulate properly all the ways this relationship sounds dysfunctional and how much worse it will be when you have a baby..... A few immediate thoughts - you might need a lot of care when you've had the baby if you have a difficult labour. Is this man capable of looking after you? I ended up not going back to work for two years (and then going back part time) because our daughter was really unwell and we had endless hospital visits, etc. it sounds like your husband is overly focused on money - is he going to value the endless mental & physical load it takes to raise a child, which it sounds like you will be carrying??? Mine for example has never made me feel bad for not contributing as much financially as him as he is always appreciative of other things I do to make our lives run (e.g., I'm teamleader of the endless washing!). It sounds like you're already in a borderline abusive relationship. I have a friend who is with someone horrible and he has become even more vile since they've had their baby. He does absolutely nothing to look after the baby because he says to her "until you're earning decent money again, the baby and the housework are your responsibility". E.g., Incl. nights and weekends so she doesn't have a single moment to herself - and it's clear he views all the work she does as beneath him and not of any value because she's not earning as much as him. So she is flat out 24/7, but is accepting it as that's "just the way her husband is". Please get out now! Do you want your little boy/girl growing up seeing this as an example of a loving marriage?

You've been together 10 years so you must have a good measure of how he is. Is he a fitness fanatic with the not eating carbs. I'm also wondering what will happen when you ask him to go to the shops for nappies, wipes and baby food, will he expect you to pay half or all of it.

It isn’t going to get better when the baby comes. Make arrangements to leave.

So what do you split 50:50? You pay for your own food shopping and ratio the big bills.

I’m sorry but this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. You’re going to need to tackle this before the baby arrives or start planning for a life of co-parenting.

You sound more like housemates than a married woman couple. Right now,He doesn’t seem to realise married couples’ finances are joint, but he will once you divorce

Obviously this ridiculous.

However, if you are determined to stay in such a relationshiop and intend to pay half the bills while on maternity, do remember to invoice him for half the full time childcare you are providing for his children as well as for any cleaning or cooking etc that you complete.

I mean really the whole thing is just absolute nonsense. Why would not eating protein mean separate shops? DH doesnt eat baked beans, but funnily enough we can still order one grocery shop. Bizarre. This needs fully sorting before an innocent baby is brought into it all. Ask your midwife for support if you need it.

OP this is so weird, I'm not even sure you realise what a ridiculous set up this is in a marriage? I genuinely have no idea how you guys will cope with a baby. I can't express how tough the early days can be (and to be honest, the first several years!), and this set up just won't work. I'm really sad for you.

doesn't sound like a marriage to me. It's only gonna get worse with the baby. who will 'fund' the child? Clothes, food, childcare, parenting.... what is the plan there? He sounds horrible and I would say, get out there. It's not going to get better once the baby is here.

Jeezo, what am I reading!? You think this is a healthy way to live so much you are bringing a child into this? Oh op. This is not a healthy relationship. I hope you have support, as I really fear you are going to need it going forward. Please build your network, and ensure you have family and friends around you.

💯 . I'm sorry OP but you must see how screwed up this is. You're using your savings to pay half the bills, while he still has the opportunity to go out and work and save while you provide childcare.

As for the food thing - just dreadful in any relationship but especially so here given you're pregnant and so good nutrition is important for the baby's development as well as for you.

It’s not normal in a marriage with a child on the way for you to have to pay your husband back for food. How is the food shop going to work when you have to buy things for the child?
His attitude is horrible

I just want to reiterate what PPs have said- this is NOT a normal or healthy marriage, and it will get so much worse when the baby arrives.

So he’s not started paying towards your maternity atm? Are you sure he will? You should be going halves right from the beginning, not taking it in turns.

I can see ppl eating differently, but he diesn’t eat with you?! What’s he going to do with baby lobbing cereal at him from a high chair?

Lack og carbs can make ppl grumpy.

This sounds absolutely ridiculous.
Why is there not a joint account? I don't understand that you have been with him 10 years and it is all his and hers.
Have you made any discussions about the baby? Who is paying for baby items? I am assuming that is also falling on you.
How will you be splitting food for the baby when they are older, will it be halves?
You are currently the higher earner but what are your plans for going back to work? Childcare is a massive cost, will that also be your problem?

I think you need a big look at your relationship and if he genuinely does make you happy you at least need to look at a better arrangement financially.