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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged son asking for large amount of money

454 replies

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 20:52

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

OP posts:
bevm72yellow · 09/01/2025 21:36

your inheritance should be for you to enjoy such as holidays, events with friends and go to Australia to see your daughter. And in Australia pay for your daughter to go around and visit places and get accomodation with you. Pop some into a retirement plan for yourself. you had conversations with your daughter who in her kindness discussed this with your son. If he has children pass it to them. If you have it when you hit pension age you will get taxed. See what your daughter "needs" in Australia e.g car /small property deposit/ debts paid.

Then pop a small amount into a high interest account for your son (but your daughter does not need to be aware of this arrangement) it might pay some mortgage off for him. At a later date he may come back to you for a genuine reason not based on his expectation of money from you then you can give it to him. So you are not obligated to give it to anybody and you are not saying "No" to anybody.

DontshootmyRaptors · 09/01/2025 21:36

AliceMcK · 09/01/2025 21:33

WTF your pov is completely toxic! Abusive, controlling and toxic people, especially parents commonly use money as a source of control. Buying him back, which is what you’re suggesting is absolutely toxic!

Show quote history

good grief.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 09/01/2025 21:37

I'd probably use the money to emigrate to Australia, if they'd have me. If not, then to spend as much time there as possible.

Tell your "D"S to naff off.

Hopelesscase32 · 09/01/2025 21:37

Absolutely not! Cheeky bugger!

Walks past you in the street but now demands money? He's insane and he would be getting told to piss off

Sunshine1500 · 09/01/2025 21:37

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:35

Thank you all for your input. My thinking now:

I can imagine him saying ‘she’s always doing this shit. Says one thing and does another.’ With no comprehension that his behaviour might have some influence on my changing a decision.

I think by setting aside the money as an insurance for the future in the event I need additional support, it would mean the pressure is off DD. She can live her best life.

Have you already offered him money ?

kate592 · 09/01/2025 21:37

Have you given your DD money is that why he feels entitled?

Theunamedcat · 09/01/2025 21:37

Honestly no if I were estranged from my child for whatever reason I wouldn't give them a penny because if it were my fault I wouldn't want to and if it were their fault it wouldn't change anything so I still wouldn't want to

Personally I would move to a different area a place where he couldn't walk past me in the street and blank me and have a fresh start he won't change his opinion of you due to the content of your bank balance his behaviour towards you isn't remotely kind just plain grabby give this to me because I want it yuck

Firenzeflower · 09/01/2025 21:38

I have a very close relative I’m not in contract with. I wouldn’t ask or expect them to give me money. You can’t have it both ways. I dislike them and couldn’t take anything from them.

Onthemaintrunkline · 09/01/2025 21:38

Your son has an over-abundance of entitlement.

He seeks you out when he wants something and blanks you the rest of the time.

It would be a cold day in hell before I’d be co-operating with him. This lad needs to learn a few manners. The colossal cheek of him!

Krampus13 · 09/01/2025 21:38

If you are hoping that giving him money will
somehow resolve the issues between you, it most certainly will not. In his head there will be no sense of gratitude, only entitlement. ‘I deserve to be given this money ….. she owes me because she …….etc’.

This is all the wrong way round. If he had made an effort to resolve the issues between you and things were now better, it would perhaps be OK for him to ask. But truly you would be a fool to hand over money to him now. You would literally be sending a clear message that he can always treat you as badly as he wants and that you will always acquiesce because of your supposed guilt.

Don’t even think about doing it. Have dignity,
think about yourself and your daughter and let him see that actions have consequences.

JudgeJ · 09/01/2025 21:39

LuluBlakey1 · 09/01/2025 20:58

He is not entitled to any inheritance - you can leave your estate to whomever/whatever charity you wish to in a will- especially if the will states you have been estranged for x years at the point of making it.

This money IS your security.

He sounds like a greedy, unpleasant, bully.

Don't give him a penny.

Also make sure that you have a will in place immediately, if you're divorced from his father then he, the son, is your next of kin and would inherit without a will.

Owly11 · 09/01/2025 21:39

No, absolutely no. He sounds toxic. If he wants to rebuild the relationship with no hope or expectation of anything that would be a start. But expecting money off someone you won't even say hello to isn't how the world works and it's about time he learnt that lesson. He sounds greedy and entitled.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 09/01/2025 21:39

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 20:57

Not going to drip feed.

Nothing sinister to cause estrangement. Suspect his father fans the flames to keep him on side.

My inheritance- 4 years ago, when trying to find a middle ground has said wanted to support the purchase of a property with the money.

Then it’s your money to keep and use as you wish.
You can leave him something in your Will if you want. But in retirement you need every penny for heating, extra help if needed, even medical private treatments when the NHS wait is too long.
No one should think they’re entitled to money they’ve not earned.

Mnaamn · 09/01/2025 21:40

Absolutely do not part with your money to future proof your life.

With such an unpleasant attitude towards you, he really needs to make his own way.

Do not be manipulated by him.

Ponkeypink · 09/01/2025 21:40

I’m going to go against the grain here
and say I don’t think kids go NC with parents without very good reason.

There will be more to it than ‘we have different views’. (A lot more)

If I were you then I would give him some money. Show him something positive you will do for him.

I say this as the child of a parent with whom I have very little contact. My parent was toxic (is toxic) so I refuse to have much to do with them. They even try to manipulate and control me regarding wills. I’m in the will, now I’m not bla bla bla.

I won’t go in to my personal details but I wouldn’t listen to people saying don’t do it. I’d say do it if finances allow and hopefully that will start to recover your future relationship.

SeaShellsSanctuary180 · 09/01/2025 21:40

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

You can't put caveats on it. If you give him money he can do what he wants with and act how he wants thereafter.

If he estranged you don't buy your way back in that's not how it works

Houseplanter · 09/01/2025 21:40

No. Just no

I do understand your dilemma, but no.

Horses7 · 09/01/2025 21:41

Save your money, visit your daughter, save some for your retirement.
I think if you give him a load of money you’ll never see him again. He sounds no great loss from your description.

GenerousGardener · 09/01/2025 21:42

If he hadn’t heard about your inheritance from your DD he’d still be no contact with you and ignoring you in the street. It’s only the money that’s made him come sniffing round. If you give it to him you will probably never see him or the inside of the house you helped him buy.

This money was left to your by your lovely Dad who obviously had the measure of your son. What would your Dad say to you if you even considered this? My guess he’d be very upset as he left the money for you not your ‘son’.

I wouldn’t even bother to reply to him. He doesn’t want you, he just wants your money.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 09/01/2025 21:43

Having read all your posts op, absolutely, unequivocally do not give him a penny.
He has no rights to it, he hasn’t earned it, it wasn’t left to him.
It is your inheritance. Use it to ensure you live comfortably.

JudgeJ · 09/01/2025 21:43

Findmeelf · 09/01/2025 21:08

If you help DD but not DS there won’t be anything other than estrangement

There is estrangement already though so if she doesn't give in to his bullying nothing will change. He has not right either legally or morally to any of the OP's money. Maybe ask the DD to keep out of it, not passing on information about your circumstances to someone who is, by his choice, an outsider in your life.

Elsvieta · 09/01/2025 21:44

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

He can and he will. Once he has what he wants she'll never hear from him again (unless it's to demand more money). If she tries to get him to show a bit of gratitude he'll probably just say that the money is the least she can do after whatever terrible unspecified thing she's done to him or whatever. You can't have caveats that force someone to love you or have / want a relationship with you, or to become someone with a less shitty personality. All he wants from the OP is what he can get, and nothing she can do will change that.

Some people ARE toxic in other ways despite being financially generous - there's been any number of MN posts by people who were well-provided for in material terms but still physically, sexually or emotionally abused by their parents. And then there are the people who will just call other people "toxic" or similar, with no justification, when they're not getting their way. She shouldn't give him a penny, and we shouldn't give her false hope.

thescandalwascontained · 09/01/2025 21:44

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:02

My Dad’s Will stated I was the beneficiary with no stipulation how the money should used. Dad was really honourable and was so upset at DS’s attitude to him as well.

The inheritance is yours, not his. And frankly, I'd make it clear he's unlikely to see any money from you due to his attitude and treatment of you.

HollyKnight · 09/01/2025 21:45

You told your daughter you wanted to give your son money towards a house. She told him that, so now he is asking for it. Do you think you were being a bit manipulative by putting that out there? Thinking it might make him get in touch with you. If so, it is a bit cruel to dangle money in front of someone like that.

BeMellowOchreZebra · 09/01/2025 21:47

@Friartruckster if there was no stipulation stating money had to go to your DS in the will then you don't owe him a penny.

The money is yours to do as you wish with. Sounds like you have sensible plans for it.