Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

When he gave you the recap, was he very upset doing so or did he enjoy your distress?

I am sorry to hear this OP but I think you treating both equally was a nice thing to do. I do hope you have not shot yourself in the foot financially doing so.
I was told by mine I am controlling (fair) live vicariously (fair) am toxic (can be when I lash out when hurt).Their father is lazy, passive and a procrastinator (and if they ever have therapy, an enabler) but gets a free pass.
So yes, I'd say we have different parenting styles too. No idea if you were told the same but I have accepted it is how they feel and they feel it strongly. I was very hands on, he was very hands off. Both of us were crap in different ways.
I continue to reach out and I am trying to put the work in but am in a catch 22. If you constantly get in touch, you override boundaries. If you respect boundaries, you don't care. I can see the patterns from my own parents but seemed doomed to repeat them. Anyone who knows any good online free resources, please let me know x

I'm estranged from my mother. I don't expect any money from her or that side of the family at all. But only you know the situation. If you do give the money, I don't think that alone will change the fact you are estranged. If you're "toxic" the only thing that will change your relationship is if you were to change how you interact with other people. Money won't change anything.

Apologies I can see that OP did give a portion of the inheritance. Credit where credits due, you haven't done it with any expectation, which I think is the fairest way to do it. I'm glad you were able to come to a good solution.

His problem.

Drat. I wasn't sure whether the recipient or the estate paid it.

I have been estranged from my parents (mostly because of my mum's toxic behaviour) for about 5 years now. I would not dream of asking them for money, not even in dire straits.

You were very kind in your actions, OP.

It's a nightmare, ending up estranged from your child.
It's so against the natural order of things, and makes me wonder what his side of the story would be.

It’s been mentioned several times, but OP told her daughter who told her brother that OP was going to gift both of them the money. This was when the estrangement was happening.

If parents are divorced and parent differently it can often raise the toxic label.

My friend was the toxic parent for both her children.
She had rules and routines, technology limits, eating at the table, bedtimes etc., where as her husband was a disney dad where take out food was the norm.
She had grief for years over her strict rules.
They were the same rules as my house.

His relationship broke up and he encouraged his children to move in with him for company, again throwing money at them.

My friend was so brokenhearted over it and it took a lot out of her to remain neutral and supportive of their decision.

Two years on and they were back in contact regularly.
They have both matured and realise that she was just doing her best.

They are all adults now and they have an excellent relationship. They are very 🙄about their dad in a benevolent way.
They realise mum was just trying to be a safe parent.
Their father isn't a bad man just lazy.

My own eldest thought I was very strict during his teens, and now that he has left home when he returns he tells me my parenting has gone to the dogs with the youngest, that she gets away with too much.
I tell him I am old and tired 😁

westisbest1982 · Today 11:09
No. OP’s estate will.
tommyhoundmum · Today 11:01
You said the money represented security in retirement. If you die within 7 years your son will have to pay tax on the sum.

Don't worry all, the gift will have to be included in the estate's value for IHT calculation purposes if OP dies within 7 years of giving it, BUT if her total estate value upon her passing doesn't reach the IHT threshold (currently, at least £325k) then no IHT will be payable on the estate including, of course, the gift. 😊

You sound like an amazingly strong woman. Your son has a lot of growing up to do. I hope he manages it. One of the biggest unspoken rites of passage that I think modern adult children need to go through is the realisation that their parents are only human. Each of us comes with baggage, deals with what life throws at us with incomplete information and without the benefit of hindsight. Flawed is a more suitable word. Not toxic. Maybe when he becomes a parent himself he will see this. I think your generosity in the face of such immature and hurtful behaviour, was the right choice for you. You are a better person than most would be in your situation.

Careful of more requests OP.

Now that you've opened the purse and he knows all he has to do is ask and guilt trip you about the estrangement, he'll be back for more.

He'll have all sorts of reasons, being ill, losing his job, getting married etc.

Stand firm.

Get a Will written & leave what you want to whoever has valued you & the rest to Charitable Causes! And refuse Any contact unless he grows up & becomes a Real Man!

@Genevieva - a heartfelt 🙏🏻

Nicely put. 🤗And I agree, many parents (probably most!) could be described as "flawed" but far fewer as "toxic" and I would like to understand if OP's DS has genuine reasons for describing her as such, or if it's a word he's heard and is throwing at her to hurt her.

But then, most parents don’t get ghosted by their adult children for years.

Sounds about guilty to me… you did the right thing

My own eldest thought I was very strict during his teens, and now that he has left home when he returns he tells me my parenting has gone to the dogs with the youngest, that she gets away with too much.
I tell him I am old and tired 😁

@Mnaamn 😂👏

I also told him parenting him broke me and I just need to try and get through the next few years😁.

I must admit I enjoy winding him up a bit.
I told him the other day I had let her stay home from school the other day because it was miserable and she wanted a lie in😁.

That I picked up vodka for her and her friends for NYE.

He loves getting outraged.
Gives us both a good laugh.😁

Just realised he has never said a word to his father....like many houses, I am bad cop to dads good cop🙄.

It takes a lot more energy to be a no parent than a yes one!
I very rarely say no but we definitely have standards that made manners, tidy bedrooms, and limited technology an issue a 5+ years ago.

People are always so pedantic about this. Yes you are right in theory but I can assure you HMRC won’t be happy with “it’s not my debt it’s the estate’s” when in comes to payment time. They will get their money one way or another and are not too pedantic about who pays it v

My late husband didn't mention his granddaughter in his will, simply because she hadn't been born then and he didn't get round to adding a codicil.

Before he died, he said "You might give GD a couple of thousand."

When he died, I signed a cheque for three thousand since that's the maximum I'm allowed to give as a gift without causing tax difficulties down the line.

(The kids got their money according to their legal rights - there was no tax problem since the estate was well within IT limits.)

A year later, I sent another one of the kids 2k as a wedding present and another sum to the granddaughter as a graduation present. That plus the wedding present that I gave to another relative came to the 3k that I'm allowed to give within a tax year.

There may be other ways of avoiding tax problems, but I'm not wealthy.

I must admit I enjoy winding him up a bit.
I told him the other day I had let her stay home from school the other day because it was miserable and she wanted a lie in😁.
That I picked up vodka for her and her friends for NYE.
He loves getting outraged.
Gives us both a good laugh.😁
Just realised he has never said a word to his father....like many houses, I am bad cop to dads good cop🙄.
It takes a lot more energy to be a no parent than a yes one!

@Mnaamn that's very naughty of you! But hilarious too.

I knew a Disney Dad who decided his two DD (9 & 7) should have a 'no rules environment' and 'be free to be themselves' on their EOW visits from Friday after school to Sunday 6pm.

What a disaster! They were right little brats, still in bed at noon watching cartoons and demanding drinks and snacks be brought to them, staying up til midnight, just eating crisps, sweets, and rubbish, tantrums when asked about homework, constant screaming and loud tv volume etc. Then my friend, his girlfriend, suffered a flood in her flat from the upstairs one and it took over 2 months to be made habitable so she moved in with him temporarily.

She took one look at the situation and quickly realised it was her BF who needed training more than his kids, and started making subtle changes. By the end of her stay, the girls willingly accepted a 9pm bedtime, took baths and brushed their teeth on time, got up quietly early in the morning and got juice and cereal for themselves while waiting for the adults to emerge, with the tv cartoons at low volume. Dad stopped buying crisps, kept the fruitbowl full and did a proper Sunday roast dinner with vegetables. Both the girls and the dad were much happier with boundaries in place, as was the XW who didn't have sugared-up kids in dirty clothes coming back on Sunday night.

Not all rules are bad rules! But, the parent (usually the dad!) just needs to realise it and be firm. Really not at all fair to the resident parent to do otherwise.

I've just read an interesting article in the current print edition of Good Housekeeping about adult children who cut off their parents. There were some resources mentioned which may be helpful to some people reading, especially @BeTheCrown

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Rules-Estrangement-Adult-Children-Conflict/dp/1529350824/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3SRBX9RW7219Y&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.6em0gGx-KFMP6mQaEJnEldQ2lK_n6RAsRer7q3A-dxaBbK8W5bZrwsn-x6pMtl6clv9i7v7pz1OMZp1iTCW6n5wCHi0cpjOBuGwMHhAV7OCKLLU7ZwJgZIBEt70nu_Ug86EOfzGRDKgDfq-I9_LRQLoz6_0mO3Fh9kUs2j1VinI_z6cbDdzDjftpsrLuRQGfnPwJY0lbUi8g-ZCcQAO0WNad38VbyOCEYy4aQwyiBxI.xltTgONHx8zK_ojo7uAJeT1h-hQOuDDc45gEHgnChxY&dib_tag=se&keywords=joshua+coleman&nsdOptOutParam=true&qid=1736772643&sprefix=joshua+coleman%2Caps%2C90&sr=8-1

https://www.standalone.org.uk

@WearyAuldWumman You have not fully understood the gift exemptions. Gifts for a wedding are separate to the 3k. https://www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/gifts

As you are not wealthy it may not affect what you give - but someone else could see this and benefit.