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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged son asking for large amount of money

454 replies

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 20:52

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 09/01/2025 20:59

Well, is he legally entitled to any of it? I can’t see how he would be.
I think the reason why you are estranged is relevant here: if, for example he’s being influenced by someone else, you might not want to just hand money over. If he’s eg a drug addict, same thing. If you want to ensure he uses the money for a deposit, you could pay it directly to a solicitor with instructions on how and when it is to be released.
If you don’t give him the money, he’ll say you’re toxic. If you do, in the hopes that he’ll relent, I think you’ll be disappointed.
If he thinks he’s been cheated, it won’t help.
I suspect you’re caught between a rock and a hard place.

guc · 09/01/2025 20:59

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 20:57

Not going to drip feed.

Nothing sinister to cause estrangement. Suspect his father fans the flames to keep him on side.

My inheritance- 4 years ago, when trying to find a middle ground has said wanted to support the purchase of a property with the money.

Was it you that said this, or the person who you inherited from?

Billybagpuss · 09/01/2025 20:59

Cross posted. It’s your money, he can’t even do you the basic courtesy of acknowledging you, he is entitled to nothing.

AmusedMaker · 09/01/2025 21:01

How does he know you’ve inherited money? & how do you know he wants a large sum of it for a house deposit?
what I mean is, have you spoken to him recently for this all to be known? Or has another family member told you?

Original poster
Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:02

My Dad’s Will stated I was the beneficiary with no stipulation how the money should used. Dad was really honourable and was so upset at DS’s attitude to him as well.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/01/2025 21:02

My inheritance- 4 years ago, when trying to find a middle ground has said wanted to support the purchase of a property with the money

Who said they wanted o support a house purchase with the money, and who were you trying to find a "middle ground" with?

Agree with PPs that on the face of things it's a no, but hard to say without the details

StrawberryWater · 09/01/2025 21:03

Just don't respond to him.

Or if you feel you have to one of two responses would suffice:

  1. No.

or

  1. There is no money. After inheritance tax and solicitors fees I was left with very little. I'm not sure why you think there's enough for a house deposit but even if there was my money is not your money.
westisbest1982 · 09/01/2025 21:03

I’m not getting into the estrangement thing. I know there’s always two sides to every story and from experience I know that there’s usually been some serious shit going on to cause an estrangement between a parent and child.

So, no. Simply because you aren’t financially secure enough to guarantee a secure retirement for yourself. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 09/01/2025 21:04

What are your plans for the money?
Do you need it to pay off your mortgage, debts or secure your future?
What does your pension look like?

Presumably the inheritance came from someone who loved and cared for you, did they express any hopes on what you might do with it?

No-one has a right to someone else's money. Your son has been no contact for 7 years, why? Is this the beginning of a reconciliation or just a money grab?
Would he use it as stated for a house or fritter it away?

TBH if someone hadn't spoken to me for 7 years & blanked me on the street there's no way I'd be handing over a large sum of money to them.
I'd use the money to invest for my retirement, if you put it in a pension you'll be able to use your full tax allowance to reclaim the tax on the contribution thus increasing the investment amount by 20%

Genevieva · 09/01/2025 21:04

Your inheritance is yours, not his. If he looks after his relationship with you, then he might reasonably expect to inherit from you when you die. You are not dead, so that’s not even relevant. Without caring offspring, you are more likely to need that money for your old age, so, much as you might want to help him (out of unconditional love in the face of undeserved hatred) you need to put yourself first. For context, I have spent many years juggling being a mother, working full-time and caring for elderly parents. This last week I have been driving my mother to hospital to visit my father, organising a stay at a rehabilitation for when he is released from hospital, but not yet able to return home. Without me, they would need to pay for taxis and carers and possibly even a nursing home.

Original poster
Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:05

Dd with whom I have a good relationship shared the details because I have had conversations with her.

When I first inherited I had hoped there would be way forward, so included DS in the plan when talking to DD.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/01/2025 21:07

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:02

My Dad’s Will stated I was the beneficiary with no stipulation how the money should used. Dad was really honourable and was so upset at DS’s attitude to him as well.

So again, where did this idea that the money be used to support a house purchase comes from?

Findmeelf · 09/01/2025 21:07

So you offered him money? If you can afford it I would help, it might not help but in time it may.

Tbry24 · 09/01/2025 21:08

He’s estranged from you don’t even reply.

Findmeelf · 09/01/2025 21:08

If you help DD but not DS there won’t be anything other than estrangement

hideawayforever · 09/01/2025 21:08

so you promised him a deposit on a house from your inheritance?
Were you estranged or speaking when you said it?

I think if it was a way of getting back to having contact with him but depending on the amount and how much you inherited I probably would give it to him, life is too short ( I speak from experience).

ACynicalDad · 09/01/2025 21:10

Give it to him for attending and engaging with family counselling.

GabriellaMontez · 09/01/2025 21:11

He's entitled to nothing.

Remind him of this.

1apenny2apenny · 09/01/2025 21:11

If you give him the money you will still be estranged, he will believe he was entitled to it and owes you nothing.

If you don't give him the money you will still be estranged, he will like you even less than he does now and probably call you horrible names.

Don't give him the money, you will gain nothing but you will be financially worse off.

battairzeedurgzome · 09/01/2025 21:12

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:05

Dd with whom I have a good relationship shared the details because I have had conversations with her.

When I first inherited I had hoped there would be way forward, so included DS in the plan when talking to DD.

If you have a good relationship with your daughter, why do you say you have no close family?

Original poster
Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:12

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

This is a really point. But on reflection the impact his opinion of me has on me weakens with every passing year.

OP posts:
Motherbear44 · 09/01/2025 21:13

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:05

Dd with whom I have a good relationship shared the details because I have had conversations with her.

When I first inherited I had hoped there would be way forward, so included DS in the plan when talking to DD.

Without further details my thoughts would be to write DD into your will. Unless he tries to rebuild bridges (which if he wants money would be a bit icky) you do not give DS anything. This is particularly because it sounds as if your Dad did not want him to get anything.

That money is for your retirement - and I hope to help you tick off a couple of items on your bucket list while you are young.

Mamabear999 · 09/01/2025 21:13

Please for the sake of your sanity do not give him the money. He is a cheeky brat. He can take his truth and go and work for his deposit. Anyone who could blank you and then ask for money is just beyond me.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/01/2025 21:14

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:05

Dd with whom I have a good relationship shared the details because I have had conversations with her.

When I first inherited I had hoped there would be way forward, so included DS in the plan when talking to DD.

Cross posted with you, OP - so back when you thought things might get better you considered sharing the money with DS, told DD about this and she told him ... is that right?

If so that's very far from a promise, and I'm not sure why he'd consider even a "hope" would come to pass if he was blanking you
Therefore I'd say no or better still just not reply

Arlanymor · 09/01/2025 21:14

Erm, it's not his money is it? It's not his inheritance is it? So why give it to him?

This isn't even a question - people don't get to treat you like crap and then drain your bank account.