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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Estranged son asking for large amount of money

454 replies

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 20:52

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

OP posts:
Choccyscofffy · 09/01/2025 21:14

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:02

My Dad’s Will stated I was the beneficiary with no stipulation how the money should used. Dad was really honourable and was so upset at DS’s attitude to him as well.

Why does DS think the money was set aside for him?

I say he can fuck off. If he wants money he can ask his dad.

diddl · 09/01/2025 21:15

What would giving him the money achieve?

It won't end the estrangement will it?

Why did your daughter share details with him?

Original poster
Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:16

battairzeedurgzome · 09/01/2025 21:12

If you have a good relationship with your daughter, why do you say you have no close family?

Show quote history

She now lives in Australia. Part of the NHS exodus. So no physically close family.

This saving pot could used for me to visit her at Christmas and pay for accommodation so she is not imposed upon. I can do my own thing. Perhaps I could use the money in retirement to be out of the country for the winter.

OP posts:
SizzlingPrickle · 09/01/2025 21:16

Imagine asking someone you don’t speak to for money!!! There’s absolutely no way. I would make sure your Will is updated to exclude him and write a letter alongside it explaining why.

Money won’t mend a fractured relationship. If you gave it to him with caveats he would just do you over and disappear again. Sadly it seems he doesn’t want you to be part of his life 💔

AliceMcK · 09/01/2025 21:16

No absolutely not.

im estranged from my mother, I’m sure she believes there is nothing “sinister” and I am estranged for no good reason. She has her “truth” and I have mine. I would absolutely not expect any money from her if she had any.

I think you were silly telling your dd you were going to include DS when he was already estranged as it sounds like you are trying to buy him back.

Just say no, you have no intention of gifting him any money right now.

MissUltraViolet · 09/01/2025 21:16

Without knowing exactly what has happened for him to no longer want anything to do with you, I wouldn't give money to someone (family or otherwise) that will not speak to me. Offering it and then changing your mind is maybe a little shitty but at this point what's gonna happen if you tell him to piss off? nothing is going to change for you. Give it, don't give it, he still won't be part of your life.

I would not be giving someone money in an attempt to try and make them talk to me. He made his choice, for whatever reasons, now he gets to live with it.

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/01/2025 21:17

Nope.

He will be off as soon as he gets the money. Nor will he spend it on what you want him to spend it on anyway, so you wouldn't be helping him in the slightest.

A discussion about potentially helping someone financially in the future is not a promise to do so, nor does it form an obligation to do so. It was an idea, based on a particular context and set of conditions that no longer apply.

The short version of this is... he can fuck off.

echt · 09/01/2025 21:17

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 21:16

She now lives in Australia. Part of the NHS exodus. So no physically close family.

This saving pot could used for me to visit her at Christmas and pay for accommodation so she is not imposed upon. I can do my own thing. Perhaps I could use the money in retirement to be out of the country for the winter.

Show quote history

Sounds like an idea.

Do it. The money is yours.

Beginningtolookalot · 09/01/2025 21:17

What jumps out at me was that he upset your Dad who left you the money - I wouldn’t give him anything in those circumstances

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2025 21:19

Cheeky shit. Just say no. Literally nothing he can do and he’s already not talking to you.

That money is for your future and can facilitate time with your daughter. He can fuck off.

PreferMyAnimals · 09/01/2025 21:19

It's your money. If it represents you retirement security, you should keep it for that reason alone.

I say with caution, because circumstances are different so it's not black and white, that either you are in my life or you're not. You don't get to opt out and then ask me for favours.

BearBuggy · 09/01/2025 21:19

Personally I’d keep the money to strengthen your relationship with your daughter via long visits when you can

CoastalCalm · 09/01/2025 21:20

how much is he asking for ?

arethereanyleftatall · 09/01/2025 21:21

This saving pot could used for me to visit her at Christmas and pay for accommodation so she is not imposed upon. I can do my own thing. Perhaps I could use the money in retirement to be out of the country for the winter.

Absolutely do this rather than give money to someone who blanks you in the street and has only contacted you bevause he wants money. Not. A. Fucking. Chance.

user23124 · 09/01/2025 21:21

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

This is a very naive way to think. He will take the money and then tell everyone he is too morally correct to be "bought" or manipulated and continue with his cruelty in all likelihood and infer OP is toxic in giving the money. Or he will say it was left for him in the will and OP has been holding it back until he bravely confronted her. I have seen it before from BIL.

Iloveacurry · 09/01/2025 21:21

Say no. He sounds like an entitled little shit.

Motherbear44 · 09/01/2025 21:21

SizzlingPrickle · 09/01/2025 21:16

Imagine asking someone you don’t speak to for money!!! There’s absolutely no way. I would make sure your Will is updated to exclude him and write a letter alongside it explaining why.

Money won’t mend a fractured relationship. If you gave it to him with caveats he would just do you over and disappear again. Sadly it seems he doesn’t want you to be part of his life 💔

The suggestion to put the letter in the will is important. This would stop any chance of the DS fighting it in the courts. He could try and say that he was just 'forgotten' or that he deserved the money really. Clear advice to the executors that you DO NOT want him to inherit and why would be helpful to them.

Clueless2024 · 09/01/2025 21:22

Absolutely not! Do not give him one red cent. Son or not, I don't think you owe him anything. His father can give him the money for a deposit!

BeAzureAnt · 09/01/2025 21:22

Jewell25 · 09/01/2025 20:57

No, please don’t give him the money. If he’s estranged himself then he loses all rights to money from you. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Look out for yourself.

Exactly. If you give him the money OP, he’ll still blank you. Keep that for yourself.

myplace · 09/01/2025 21:22

How is he asking?

ArgosOrArgoose · 09/01/2025 21:23

If he is estranged for what he believes is a good reason (whether he’s right or not) he already thinks you are ‘toxic’
If money can change his mind on this, he is a questionable human… and if it can’t, what do you stand to gain for giving him a whack of cash you could use and probably need in future.
I would keeps the money after his years of behaviour towards you, and use it too visit your decent child in Oz!

Shinyandnew1 · 09/01/2025 21:23

Friartruckster · 09/01/2025 20:57

Not going to drip feed.

Nothing sinister to cause estrangement. Suspect his father fans the flames to keep him on side.

My inheritance- 4 years ago, when trying to find a middle ground has said wanted to support the purchase of a property with the money.

Can you add some pronouns here-who do you mean?

States is entitled to money I have inherited

If you mean 'he states he is entitled to money you have inherited' then he's plain wrong, isn't he?

You don't get to just ignore someone but still expect their cash!

PositivityVibes · 09/01/2025 21:23

Just to add I would change your own will to give him £1, that way if he tries to contest it he can't say you 'forgot him'

Eyresandgraces · 09/01/2025 21:23

If your ds was wealthy tomorrow would he help you out if you asked?

A family member was drained of all their money by a sibling.
Its no fun dreading the roof leaking or needing a new boiler when you have no savings and only a tiny pension.

Tell your ds that he will get his inheritance or not when you have died.

Leeds2 · 09/01/2025 21:24

Taking your posts at face value, I wouldn't be giving him a penny. Estrangement doesn't mean he can tap into the Bank of Mum whenever he feels like it. If he wants money, he can ask his dad. If I were you, I would use the money to pay off my own mortgage, debts etc and to go visit my daughter. I would also spend money seeing a solicitor to make sure my will was watertight.