Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

This ^^ He upset your Dad so why do you feel that you should now share the money that you inherited from your Dad with him?

You can provide for him in your Will if you wish to, but for now, it’s your money and giving it to someone who hasn’t spoken to you for seven years won’t repair your relationship.

definitely don’t give him any money. It won’t improve your relationship with him if you do. My mum and brother have a strained relationship - he doesn’t accept money from her as he doesn’t want to be beholden. Whilst i could do without their nonsense at least he is consistent. Wanting money but not speak to you is a dick move regardless of the fall out.

@Friartruckster

My Dad’s Will stated I was the beneficiary with no stipulation how the money should used. Dad was really honourable and was so upset at DS’s attitude to him as well.

I don't think you have any obligation to give him money & I imagine your Dad might not be too happy.

I think you should use for your retirement. Cost of living keeps going up & up so you might need it to pay for a few luxuries like a holiday or towards a car.

How is he communicating with you to ask for the money? I wouldn't expect money off someone I wasn't speaking to.

If the money gives you security in retirement and you are approaching retirement age, then estrangement or not, you should not be giving him (or your DD) any money.

If you have other provision for retirement but the inheritance is a nice bonus then considering helping your children get on the property ladder is a nice thought. I would not be inclined to give money to a child who blanked me in the street. I don’t think an alternative perspective along the lines of wanting all your children to do well no matter your current relationship is wrong, though. It’s not one I buy into but if you do and you will feel good about having helped him even if he continues to blank you in the street, then go ahead. However your tone on here sounds more like you feel like giving him the money might improve your relationship with him, and I don’t think that’s likely so would caution against that.

One thing I would consider if going ahead - have you given your DD a similar amount to get her on the property ladder yet? If not I would only give your DS what you could also give your DD right now (and I would send her the money now too). Because down the line things might change and if you’d given the money to your DS and later on couldn’t to your DD, I think that would be hard to live with.

It is your money and you should enjoy it.

He's quite the cheeky fucker isn't he.

You'll still be estranged if you give him money ( which he is NOT entitled to). You will just be poorer and sadder and even more hurt.

Just ignore his request.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him

No, he is not "entitled" to your inheritance. He may want it, but that's not the same thing.

If you give him the money I suspect it won't change a thing between you two. You'll remain estranged.

This is obviously a very painful situation for you, but personally I would not give him the money, I'd secure my own retirement. Good luck.

If this were the other way around and YOU were asking HIM for money for a house deposit, what do you think he would say?

Please don't give him a penny. Use your money to bring yourself security in the future. I'm sure it's what your father would have wanted.

not to dissimalr ut my nephew moved n with is fater who is a comeplte narc, rarely talks to my sister unless its to ask for money

no bak story his father turne him against her an uses money as a weapon

so no dont give him it

maybe…But you don’t know him, you don’t know what he’ll do.

@Friartruckster you don’t owe your children anything. You don’t owe a child or any human any of your inheritance especially when they have behaved so poorly.

you give him this money and he will have no reason to continue a relationship with you as you will have served your purpose. He’s only using you as a quick way to build up a house deposit.

Meep the money your dad left you as it enables you to live a better life and visit your daughter.

your son may inherit from you and his father in years to come and that will have to be enough.

the gall of him!!

Please use it to make your own life better going forwards.
Yes to Australia and winter sun in Europe.
Your father would want that.

You could shut questions down flat by replying something along the lines of “the financial adviser recommended the money be assigned to my pension, it’s been tied up in long term non-liquid investments for retirement” - or similar, to just completely shut the conversation down.
(It prob won’t be invested - but that's what you can say).

He wouldn't be getting a penny from me. He has every right to go no contact but you have every right to not then financially help him. I wouldn't even think twice about this. He isn't entitled to anything and if he continued to be no contact throughout my life I'd not even leave him anything in my will. Especially when the money came from your father who he upset.

i think it would depend on a few things, how much you have and if you have promised him something. It way help mend your relationship.
he definitely doesn’t just decide he’s entitled to something and if he’s only contacted you to ask for money, that’s awful and he doesn’t deserve any help, never mind a deposit for a house.

I’m confused as to what the dilemma is. He ignores you in the street yet you’re considering giving him money?! Tell the entitled little git to sod off

No. He's chosen to go no contact.

You can’t win someone back with money and if they say that you can it’s a scam

It sounds like you need the money yourself. He can go and earn his own and wait his turn for his inheritance.
I would spend it on what you want - trips to Australia sound like a good way to spend it. Or you might want it to supplement your pension.
Make a will leaving whatever is left equally to your two children.

Tell him to fuck off

WTF your pov is completely toxic! Abusive, controlling and toxic people, especially parents commonly use money as a source of control. Buying him back, which is what you’re suggesting is absolutely toxic!

Thank you all for your input. My thinking now:

I can imagine him saying ‘she’s always doing this shit. Says one thing and does another.’ With no comprehension that his behaviour might have some influence on my changing a decision.

I think by setting aside the money as an insurance for the future in the event I need additional support, it would mean the pressure is off DD. She can live her best life.

So completely out of the blue all you get is a message asking for you to give him money for a house deposit. No “hope your ok” or even “lets agree to disagree on X”. No, you would give it and never see him again. The inheritance is not for him, its for you

Agree