Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

I think you've made a mistake doing that. As others have pointed out, your son has no right to any money willed to you by his grandfather. I think you should have just messaged words to the same effect as those of the poster to whom you responded "Simple and rational." ie: “I was thinking about it, but have realised I need to keep money available to cover my care needs as I get older.” Don't go into any further detail, if he blanks you when he walks past you, he has no right to know anything else about you.
To those who think the OP must have done something massively wrong and extremely bad parenting, I wonder how you explain her daughter clearly not thinking she is toxic? I sense the hand of a toxic ex stirring things up with his son here, rather than anything else.

I have been following the thread with keen interest. Thank you all for your input. I have been helped to find a resolution to my dilemma.

I have transferred 25% of the sum DS anticipated, and the same to DD. I have made clear that amount fulfills the wishes my dad would have had in terms of assumed ‘inheritance’. or any promises or plans made in the past. It draws a line so there is no further discussion. Not my business what they do with the money. No condition or expectation attached to the ‘gift’.

Any money remaining that I inherited is mine and to distribute as I think wise.

PP are correct, I must not discuss my private affairs with DD, as it puts her in a difficult position. Nor make any promises or plans with either DD or DS.

DD is living her best life and has no desire to return to the UK. As the only close family, I am not going to represent as a responsibility to her.

My financial planning must focus on future proofing so we’re all free to live our best lives.

I love my children so much and wish for the best for them. I feel a sense of freedom for us all. It’s a good outcome.

Be prepared that he will come back for more now he has the scent of money.

You’ve been extremely generous and I’m glad you feel a sense of freedom.

But why does he think that money left to you by your dad should go to him? It should not, until you die and then you could leave it all to the dogs' home up the road should you so desire. It is not morally or legally his. I think you're wrong to have given him any.

Think that is a perfect solution . Don't know what age you are but absolutely you do need to prepare for your own ongoing needs . With daughter abroad and son being uninvolved you need to be able to provide for yourself. The only thing you should relay to your daughter is that you would welcome any reconciliation with your son .

It's your decision to make, OP, and what matters most is that you're comfortable with it, but ffrom the sound of things you're in for a disappointment if you expect a better relationship with DS after sending 25% of what he wanted

To be clear I'm NOT suggesting you should have sent more - I'm one of those who advocated paying nothing - but try not to be hurt if instead of appreciation you just get more nastiness

Hope your son appreciates it and ye can build bridges, good luck

You have done an honourable thing, op, and I feel it is right and fair. Now you feel lighter and can move on with confidence.

I do hope you go out and stay near your daughter for a little while, and at home can build bridges with your son but, if not, you've done your bit.

Good luck.

So he’s 75%down on what he expected? Has he responded.

I think that’s very generous under the circumstances and still sensible protecting you to old age

I forgot to ask, how do dd and ds get on? And dd and exH?

If you honestly have done nothing to warrant his behaviour than do not give him a penny !

Sorry OP, I think this was a mistake, as he'll likely come back wanting more, now that you've shown him he only has to ask. I hope to be proved wrong, but I guess only time will tell.

In my experience nothing is ever enough, and boundaries have to be drawn. In my case questions were asked to other family members about contents of my parents will which showed clearly that money would be shared equally between us children. Some of has been used to buy now estranged DC a house where she is living rent free for the indefinite future. However we are leaving it to other family members in the next generation , and if it is sold, money divided equally..to include DC if she is still alive. I think this thread is important and we get a good picture from all sides.

There is no way in hell I would give him the money. Nothing will change in your relationship with him, and he will see it as his right. Do not give him the money. Tell him he doesn’t get to treat you like that and then expect a hand out. Tell him if he’s nice to you for the next seven years, you might consider it then!

No way would I give him money if he’s estranged and can walk past you in the street.

I would say no to any money at this point.
We are estranged from my sd and wouldn't give her a penny.
It won't make him talk to you and you'll be hurt all over again

This. FGS. Don’t give him a penny. I would rather leave it to a cats home that give him anything.

Soonenough mentioned getting the money when they are dead . No way ,let someone else who treats you with respect have it . Sort your Will and don’t look back . I have family experience of this situation and some people are toxic. Wishing you well, try to surround yourself with people who like you not your cash . Doesn’t need to be blood relatives. You wouldn’t tolerate this of an ex friend so let it them loose as they have you .

I think you have been more than fair. My parents have both inherited large amounts of money and not shared very much of it at all. I've never asked them (or anyone - except a bank) for large sums of money, I don't blank either of my parents in the street, but I don't expect them to help me with a lump sum towards my deposit either. It's nice to say I did it all on my own. I guess everyone has different ways of doing things, but like I say, you've been more than fair.

He is not entitled to anything. Use the money to make your life more comfortable.

No he inst entitled and make sure you've made a Will!!

Have a brother exactly like that. His truth is the only truth and the sense of entitlement is unreal. The world owes him. Likes to tell everyone around him how to live what to do. It's his way or no way. Tell him where to go. If he can walk past you in the street and blank you, ignore you until he wants something. Tell him exactly where to go

Did he call asking?

I would have laughed and hung up the phone.

This. Unless more is to come and OP acknowledges some dreadful behaviour on their part I think the son has a cheek.

What does this mean?