Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

Nope. No. Tough luck. I would spend it on some great holidays

No dilemma here! Answer is NO. If you’re not good enough to have a relationship with and even for him to attempt to work through what ever issues he has with you. Why are you good enough to give him money. Tell him no, you don’t feel valued by him and you’re not just there to dish out money! CF!!

Why is that your business?
@Friartruckster Don't do it. He does not deserve it. No point going all prodigal son, he has made his choices.
I know it is hardxand you probably hope that if you capitulate, all will be well. It is unlikely
Take care

If you want to rectify things with him, could you buy the house in your name, he then "rents" of you.

You probably have done something very toxic to him I mean the fact he couldn’t put on a show and stay close to you to for the inheritance sake really says something!

Or dogs' home.

I wouldn’t give him anything. He’s reaping what he’s sown. 🤷‍♀️

Why do you jump to that conclusion? It could be for all sorts of reasons. The op may have put the money aside herself and without the support of her son may need it as she ages. He clearly didn't think he needed to put on a show and could override his mother's feelings to get what he wants. I doubt he asked her politely for the money.

Good point. It’s classic manipulation for a toxic adult sibling to ingratiate themselves with an elderly relative to get their hands on their ‘rightful’ inheritance.

I want to repeat.
I think children that are genuinely estranged from their parents wouldn't dream of asking for money.

They want peace and space and do not want any engagement.
They want nothing from their parents.
They would've dream of risking opening contact by asking for money.

I think whatever his reasoning for being pissed off with his mother, he still feels hugely connected to her via her money!
He wants contact on his terms.

I think the OP should keep her money and her business to herself going forward.

Exactly 👍

An update. In the event when this thread has run its course someone in the future happens upon it, they have the conclusion. I always appreciate knowing the conclusion.

DS confirmed receipt and then provided the recap on why I am the toxic parent.

In response to questions about the reason for the estrangement - I would say his Dad and I have different parenting styles.

I am comfortable with the money I gave. As I said, I have no interest what use it will be put to, and the gifting of it does not create financial hardship for me now or in the future. Now I understand why you never give anything that you are invested in. Only then can you give freely and unconditionally.

Ah OP I expected that but it's still sad. But now you know. Walk away and make the best life for yourself that prioritises you. It's got lots to offer. 💐

You said the money represented security in retirement. If you die within 7 years your son will have to pay tax on the sum.

Hopefully, over time, you and your DS can build a new relationship.
I think you did a very good thing sharing some money with him.
Wishing you all the best.

@Friartruckster DS confirmed receipt and then provided the recap on why I am the toxic parent.
In response to questions about the reason for the estrangement - I would say his Dad and I have different parenting styles.

Thanks for the update, OP. I'm guessing you imposed rules and restrictions and his dad didn't?

Anyway, I think you did a smart thing sharing part of your inheritance with both your children. Going forward, this contact with DS might be the start of a better relationship - or maybe not! But however it turns out, sharing your inheritance and having this conversation with your son should give you some comfort that you are a good mother with the interests of both your children at heart.

No. OP’s estate will.

Can you share a bit (even vaguely) on why he thinks you’re toxic?

No worries if you’d rather not.

The dilemma was about the money not the estrangement. I have come to terms with the estrangement, so not the topic for conversation here.

Gosh, how upsetting @Friartruckster One day he may get a better sense of perspective and realise how ungracious his behaviour is. At the moment his head is clearly up where the sun don’t shine.

OP I’m sorry some other posters on here have insulted your son so viciously, especially when we don’t know the full story. He’s your son and you clearly love him.

Friar, you've done what you can, and now you can relax and enjoy the freedom of not having to think about it any more! Take care and have a good weekend xx

You're right, of course. But if there is no estate left surely then?

Yep, that’s right. But OP has mentioned again and again how financially comfortable she’ll be, so I assume there’ll be some of her estate left should she predecease her children in the next seven years.

@Friartruckster Thanks for the update OP - that was good of you. This part of your update I find troubling:
"DS confirmed receipt and then provided the recap on why I am the toxic parent."
I don't think I would necessarily have been expecting any kind of rapprochement, but the fact your son couldn't simply acknowledge the money (maybe with a simple "thank you") without being unkind again is disappointing.
You've done the right and decent thing by your son OP. Sadly, it seems, he still needs to mature and learn some grace.
Best of luck for a peaceful, happy future. 🤗