Estranged son asking for large amount of money

[Friartruckster]

Wants the money for a deposit for a house.

States is entitled to money I have inherited, set aside for him.

Hasn’t spoken to me in 7 years. Will walk past me in the street and blank me.

States I am toxic and hence no contact.

I am posting because it’s such a dilemma. I desperately want to help him get on the property ladder, but being estranged has had a massive effect on me. It’s a huge amount of money to handover. The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone. Feel that money represents my security as I near retirement.

More fool you, frankly.

This makes no sense.

In OP you said:

The fact we are estranged means I have no close family now. Things like adapting to Christmas alone

So how can this be true if you have a daughter you have a good relationship with? Sorry if that has already been asked and answered.

Your relationship with your son sounds almost exactly like mine. Not seen or heard from him for 5 years. He was very emotionally bullying towards me and like you he demanded my inheritance when my Dad died. He said I didn’t need it yet he only works a few hours each week despite having excellent qualifications. Don’t give him a penny and make sure you cut him out of your Will.

What mistakes was it you made, and apologised for? I'm also no contact with my mother and she will tell all and sundry that she has no idea why. It's very common with abusers and toxic people. I'm not calling you either, I'm just saying that I would like to hear his side.

No. I am a disowned parent (I would no longer characterise myself as estranged instead I would say disowned, because one of my DD's wants nothing to do with me and for around 6 years now. No movement despite my reaching out. No.
She will though accept money from me and I have stopped that now as I don't feel it is a very good thing to do.
I get it, I made mistakes but nothing that deserves that treatment, like some people say, there are 2 sides to every story & all that. However a relationship is not about money and if my DD wanted to come back into my life it would be only about establishing a new relationship and nothing to do with money. So for me it would be a no as I would expect a two way dynamic, not just one way.

Not on a whim,no, but some children undoubtedly cut off parents for reasons most people would see as unreasonable. My brother has been a substance misuser since early adulthood, which led to increasingly outrageous behaviour, including theft, threats and violence. If challenged about anything he does, he either gets threatening or cuts you off. He cut off my mother 16 years ago - she was heartbroken for the rest of her life. Her crime? She told him it was not ok that he had destroyed part of another siblings house (done in a rage when sib would not give him money when he demanded it). He popped up after our parents died looking for 'what he was entitled to'. They had fortunately wised up and left a letter with their will that they were specifically not leaving him any money. I told him he was entitled to fuck off.

Heres a question - if you are honestly estranged, for cause and not just like above, why would you want money from someone who you are so disgusted and angry with?

Think of your own future. The pain these adult kids cause us doesn't deserve reward. Giving him what he wants won't make him reconcile with gratitude unfortunately. I feel your pain, mine ignores me in the street too x

You really should save the money you intend to give away - to fund visits to your daughter, you could have a wedding to attend and grandchildren to cuddle. You’re sensible to make provision for your old age.

Basically how dare you! You have NO idea how many Narcissistic adult children there are nowadays. I brought my son up as a single mum but I worked hard and he wanted for nothing and he was very much loved. He was ok till he reached 18/19 then started verbally and mentally bullying me so I used to dread going home. I know of other mums in my position on a fb support group. Yes there are narcissistic parents but there are equally very many adult children who treat their parents appallingly. It’s very sad for us mums in this position but there are lots of us.

Perhaps his father should hand him the deposit. It's your inheritance so he can whistle in my opinion especially as you mentioned that your father was disappointed with how he was treated too.

I wouldn't be paying this person his demands for thousands of £££s from my security pot for my old age in the hope that - after 7 years of estrangement, him ignoring me completely , and bad-mouthing me, even after I helped him and sent him recent generous Christmas and birthday cards and gifts, which he did not respond to-that it might 'build bridges'. He sounds like a nasty, whining, selfish, greedy, piece of work.

Unless he's legally entitled to the money I would refuse. He needs to part of a family to inherit family money. Maybe if you can build bridges and establish a relationship again you will feel differently, but as things stand, he is treating you very badly.

I think you've been more than reasonable OP and certainly done more than I would do for a child who could walk past me in the street with no acknowledgement - I hope he doesn't do this again in the future. In fact, I hope you receive a sincere thank you from him for sharing your inheritance with him - you didn't have to.

OP, you sound like a wonderful, rational person and I think you've come to fair (generous!) conclusion.

Good luck!

Why would you give money to someone who has not spoken to you for seven years? I would keep the money for yourself to provide you with a comfortable retirement as it is unlikely he is going to help you.

If people treat you like shit they have no entitlement to anything from you.

Although you are being generous in trying to help him onto the housing ladder children like this are generally not satisfied with anything they are given.

I would probably have done the same but dont expect it to improve your relationship.

You mean buy his affection?

Our children are not “entitled” to anything except to care, love, education and shelter.
Save it for your retirement since he isn’t going to look after you!

what if you need to go into a care home and because you have at some point given him this money and later run out of funds to pay for your care?

OP’s local authority will pay.

Yeah, we all want to go into a council home, don't we.

Some people don’t give a shit. Also, I don’t know if you’re aware or not but there’s plenty of self-funders in care homes living with people who’re being paid for by their L.A’s.

Why is this a dilemma for you? He literally just wants your money, not a relationship with you.

I don’t know what caused or who instigated the estrangement but do not give any money over until your relationship is healed and if it can’t be healed without you giving over a big lump of cash, it isn’t worth healing.

No the OP isn't. If someone wanted to give money to her son they should have left it to him in their will.

But I see she's transferred it anyway.

If you are happy with your decision that’s good. It would be a good idea to ensure that your decision cannot be challenged. So invest your money in bonds, ISAs etc etc that do not have easy immediate access. If your son comes back asking for more (which seems likely) just say it’s impossible, because it’s tied up in long term investments to meet your future needs.
He’s a cheeky blighter, isn’t he.