To consider not taking our 19 and 20 yr old on holiday this year

[Kinkyroots]

As the title says - kids are 19 and 20. Eldest works in a minimum wage job/zero hours contract, allegedly pursuing a career as a tattoo artist, although there doesn’t seem to be much going on in relation to this. Is just starting to pay keep again after a pause to help finance driving lessons, which have been stopped after losing confidence with the instructor.

Youngest started Uni in Sept, despite promises has not got a part time job. There has been freshers flu and whooping cough but after an initial flurry no more applications and no job. There has been part time job that they had before uni offered some hours over Christmas which they declined. They get minimum maintenance loan so we are obviously subsidising everything. They don’t party so that isn’t a huge issue, but there’s a £5500 hole at least we have to fill for accommodation.

Would DH and I be awful to book a summer holiday for this year without them? There are obviously 4 adults to pay for, and it is getting unmanageable. They haven’t contributed anything ever to holidays, and DH says enough is enough.

So - yes YABU to book a holiday without them

No - YANBU go for it, they need to learn to start paying their way

Please be gentle 😳

I voted YANBU but I understand your dilemma as I love family time together during the holidays (my oldest is nearly 19). Given their ages you know this might be the final year (or one of the last years) and that can feel a bit sad. I try to hold on to having our kids join us on holiday! BUT you shouldn’t do something which you can’t really afford, and especially if they didn’t seem to enjoy the family holiday the last 2 years. Honestly op, it sounds like your kids need to become a bit more financially indrpendent and understand money doesn’t grow on trees. In your case, I would be honest with them and I’d do one of the following;

• say you simply can’t afford to bring them on a holiday this year (explain why! Uni costs and they haven’t got jobs so all your money is going into financing them) but you would like to do something together, so want to plan a night away for the 4 of you, and you want a trip with just their dad.
• or: say you simply can’t afford to bring them but would like to go on a family holiday. But they will need to contribute if they want to come. Decide how much you are willing to pay for them and they will have to pay the rest themself. Eg you will pay the accommodation but they have to pay their own flight and you expect them to pay a meal /x number of meals.

Or you could just be blunt and say you can’t afford to bring them at all. You’re going in a holiday and they’re welcome to join if they pay themself. This (and my other /2nd option) gives them an incentive to get a job.
and if they don’t want to join, they can either get a job to finance a holiday with a friend or have a boring summer. Win win to making them more aware of finances I would say.

I’m a widow of nearly two years and the kids (18 and 22) and I are incredibly close, more so since the sudden and unexpected death of their dad. Both kids at college and uni but work hard at weekends and holidays so have quite a healthy savings balance. Both still come on holiday with me every summer and I pay flights and accommodation but they bring their own money for spending on going out, water sports, quad biking etc. There is no expectation from them that I pay but I do. However, if ever I needed financial help and asked them, I know both would give me their last penny..

@bendmeoverbackwards Family holidays with adult children can be lovely and if you’ve want to pay for everything, great.

People are just making that point that once they’re adults, you don’t have to provide an all-expenses paid family holiday if it doesn’t suit you, and they shouldn’t expect their parents to automatically pay for everything.
If you and your DH decide to go on a trip for two this year, that’s fine.

My DH now takes his parents on holiday!

@BruFord I am desperate for a holiday just with dh! Youngest has autism so some of our recent holidays haven’t been entirely stress free (although having tried self catering in Cornwall last summer, I realised about a decade too late that SC is the way to go!).

Dd3 is emotionally quite young and not very independent yet. We’ve been away for max 3 nights which was ok but would love a longer trip. And I feel bad putting the burden on the older 2 🤷‍♀️

My two are aged 23 and 20 and they still like to come on holiday with us and we enjoy spending some quality time together. IMO as long as you are going interesting places, they will always want to come along. However, I would appreciate at some point having them stay home and look after the dog. The dog care is really expensive!

They are 19 and 20. My parents went on holiday alone when I was 19 and I didn’t think once that I should be invited. They are adults now in the adult world. Go on holiday just the two of you, you both deserve alone adult/couple time xx

No - family holidays stop once leave school.

Hi op. I think if your hubby was planning a romantic get away for your belated anniversary or an upcoming one you wouldn't take your grown up kids with you . Im sure when you explain your hubby booked you both a trip as a surprise they wont bat an eyelid 😉😉😉🤣

If I had the money I'd pay.

But only where finances allow surely? & only if older DC are at least saving up/training to get a better job etc? I also love taking mine away with us (21 & 17) & they both still enjoy coming (they're not stupid it's a lovely free holiday after all 😆) but if/when money becomes tight then I'd expect them to contribute towards the holiday (older DD) or go on a cheaper family holiday or not come at all. We've also started going on our own mini break holidays - city breaks etc - just myself and DH & exploring places the DC aren't that interested in.

I’d be asking if they would want to holiday with you if they could afford to pay?
It’s my view ‘kids’ of that age should be holidaying with their friends. They’ll only want to go with you all the time you’re paying 🙂

Been reading with interest. For lots of reasons we think we’ll continue to offer to take our DC with us on holidays until they are working/mortgaged, but would give them a years notice that ‘this’ is the last holiday we can afford to subsidise when we get to that stage. Like others, I feel including them through university and for a year or two afterwards at our expense (so long as DH and I are working) is something that we personally benefit from because we get a couple of weeks of their company. If we required them to pay halves it would restrict the quality of holiday we go on or effectively price them out, so we’d more likely transition from the luxury AI model that we’ve done to date with renting apartments/villas etc to which, as the years pass, they can contribute a bit to.

This year we are doing Rome and Amalfi Coast, booking hotels/3 rooms ourselves at half the cost of a package deal. Next year we’ll book a villa/apartment and gradually work towards a model where they can chip in to accommodation costs or groceries/bar bills and/or bring BFs/GFs. I am hoping that even though they will likely want to save up and go on hols with friends next year and do back packing/hosteling they might still want to spend a week with us.

When the kids were young we took the ILaws with us to villa hols several times too, so I hope my kids will want to do that occasionally as they get older.

My eldest 2 are 18 and 20 and we are going to France this year without them. Last year we went to Devon for a week without them. They don’t even want to come tbh. I think their 2 year old brother and sister are a bit much for them!

If I could afford it, I'd pay to take them on holiday. They can't afford a holiday, they're your kids, I'd pay if I could. Yes they need to learn how to stand on their own two feet, but I'd be withdrawing everyday financial support, not holidays. Just me though.

If I was struggling to make ends meet, I wouldn't.

YANBU but I would have a conversation with them about it, so no one has any surprises.

FWIW we usually go SC, and so DS can come along or not, for all or part of the time. The decision is usually made last minute (by him) 🙄

Obviously for many holiday bookings this is not possible.

We've got DS18 at 6th form, DD20 living at home and working and DS22 at uni. We've booked an inexpensive self catering place in the UK and said anyone who wants to can join us (including DDs boyfriend) and it's our treat. The accommodation is basic and it's not costing too much. We did the same last year and they all came and enjoyed it.

That didn't stop us doing other trips last year including DH and me together. DD and I also went to France and she paid for herself. We've got separate trips planned this year too but I'm pleased DC still want to join a family holiday.

Do you enjoy their company? My kids are younger, so I’m not speaking from experience, but right now I’m definitely of the mindset that this phase of life is so short and that I want to hang out with my kids for as long as possible, and that it will be them that decides they don’t want to holiday with me long long long before I decide I don’t want them on (some) of my holidays.

It’s nuts nowadays this. I don’t remember any mates going on holiday with their parents after the age of 16. Not one. When did this become a thing?

Me too. Exactly this. 100%. Memories and family time is most important to me.

What sort of holiday was it?

It depends if you can afford it and you enjoy being with them on holiday (and vice versa). I have been prepared for the last few years for my eldest dd (19) to not want to come on holiday with us, but she still enjoys it. She goes away with her mates and to festivals too but she still loves our family holiday (me Dh and 3 DDs). We hire villas and we do day trips and some days chilling by our pool or the beach. It’s super relaxing and I love having her there. So as long as she wants to be there she is welcome.

so the question remains do you want them with you, would they want to come and can you afford it. 😊I love our family holidays but if you would prefer or want to enjoy a holiday with just your dh then that’s your prerogative too.

This is lovely that you are all so close. Sorry for your loss.

I am a single parent and my DS is a 19 year old Uni student. He sounds just like your two. He works hard at Uni, has 2 jobs and decent savings. I have just booked a cruise for DS and I - the cruise was his choice of holiday. I have paid, but he will definitely pay for lunches and drinks when we get off the cruise for day trips. We still enjoy going away together.

He is off Uni at the moment, after completing a load of assignments and assessments in the last 10 days. Today, he has emptied and filled the dishwasher, been to the supermarket, ironed a load of clothes and has just made me a brew. I have no issue with still treating him to a holiday with me because he is lovely and doesn’t try and take advantage of me at all. He is always grateful for anything I give him.

For you maybe. A bit sad if they don’t want to spend time with you. Or you with them.

Me too! Stoped going away with my parents and siblings at 17 my DD is 19 and still wanting to holiday with us (she does holidays with friends and boyfriend too), but she is very welcome as long as she (or any of mine) want to holiday with us. And I love it.