To consider not taking our 19 and 20 yr old on holiday this year

[Kinkyroots]

As the title says - kids are 19 and 20. Eldest works in a minimum wage job/zero hours contract, allegedly pursuing a career as a tattoo artist, although there doesn’t seem to be much going on in relation to this. Is just starting to pay keep again after a pause to help finance driving lessons, which have been stopped after losing confidence with the instructor.

Youngest started Uni in Sept, despite promises has not got a part time job. There has been freshers flu and whooping cough but after an initial flurry no more applications and no job. There has been part time job that they had before uni offered some hours over Christmas which they declined. They get minimum maintenance loan so we are obviously subsidising everything. They don’t party so that isn’t a huge issue, but there’s a £5500 hole at least we have to fill for accommodation.

Would DH and I be awful to book a summer holiday for this year without them? There are obviously 4 adults to pay for, and it is getting unmanageable. They haven’t contributed anything ever to holidays, and DH says enough is enough.

So - yes YABU to book a holiday without them

No - YANBU go for it, they need to learn to start paying their way

Please be gentle 😳

I didn't at 20 but I have a completely different relationship with my own 20 yr old and will happily holiday together

I've just booked a holiday cottage for June with 21 and 19 year old dc. 21 y.o. is autistic, lives at home and would otherwise never get a holiday. 19 year old has plenty of friends/other offers but still likes to spend time with us - and long may that continue tbh. I expect every year to be the last, but so far it hasn't been.

sorry for the me-rail, meant to add that OP is not being unreasonable at all. If it's getting on your wick paying for everything, don't!

Don’t you finally want a couples holiday anyway ? You’ve earned it

Your DC seem to have very little idea of how hard you work and how much everything costs you.
You are not doing them any favours if you keep allowing these behaviours.
I am all for supporting kids through Uni, treats, helping them to get on any ladder they choose if you
can afford it.
Your DC should want to do their own thing, earn some money, and move towards independence.
If they are spending £40 on a food run with you as a taxi service they have no motivation to do anything differently.
You and your DH should have your holiday, it’s important to have a break.
I am not hard-hearted at all, but to be prepared for the real world the sooner you learn to have some independence the better. Parents can always be on-hand to support, but at 19 and 20 you should be working even if you are studying.
A memory: saving up from my summer supermarket job to go on a cheap crappy holiday. The place was horrible, we didn’t have much spending money…
it was brilliant!

It is fine to not take them.

I think at that age it's normal for them to go on holiday separately from the family. Every few years it's nice to get together for a family holiday and you may wish to pay for that while they are still establishing themselves.
But not every year.

I’ve pressed the wrong button 🤯

Even if they paid their own way, it is not unreasonable to expect over 18 yr old adults to pay for their trip, if they want to accompany you.

I have made contributions to DSS’s and DSD travel arrangements, if they needed a little help but it should be the exception and not expected.

You wouldn’t be doing them any favours by letting them think luxuries like holidays just fall out of other people’s wallets. You’ll end up with horribly spoiled entitled adult children who’ll be universally disliked and have no friends. And who’d want that for they child 😬

Of course it's not unreasonable. I wouldn't have batted an eyelid if my parents went away without me and my sibling when I was that age. In fact I think they did IIRC

You don't have an unlimited stream of money coming in and your children are grown up. They'll manage fine without a free holiday. They can sort out something cheap and fun with their friends.

You wouldn’t be doing them any favours by letting them think luxuries like holidays just fall out of other people’s wallets.

Exactly, @SezFrankly Of course parents like to treat their adult children sometimes, but always paying for their holidays shouldn't be an expectation.

There has to be a point when you stop funding holidays and when the become adults at 18 is the perfect time either bite the bullet and stop or you will find yourself still funding them at 30.

What a rediculous generalisation.
Mine are not entitled in the slightest. They know exactly where every penny comes from and know how lucky they are to have what we have.
Nor "should" every student be working, Mine are busy enough with their course, their extra curriculum activities, their volunteering and any free time they have spent with friends. Ive no interest in making them manage a job as well. Time enough for that,.

They need to be working over the summer to earn some money. It's really that simple.

I started going with friends/boyfriend from 18 onwards so I think this is normal and fine. That said, dc have announced they want to carry on with family holidays until they’re 30! They’re 13-16 at the moment so hoping that’ll change.

I don't think anyone should go on holiday - you all need to stay and sort your children out. Some serious conversations about the dead-end tattoo artist career and you have to FORCE them both to get a part-time job, and the one who is not at uni has to be worked on, so he/she will go to uni to get a useful degree or go to college to get a useful degree with progression to a job immediately after graduation. All that nonsense - 'they will figure for themselves' is just nonsense, they never will. How can you even think about going on holiday if your dc are on course to a financial disaster?

totally fine to leave them behind. If they were making a real effort to find their financial feet (I'd be a bit more lenient with the uni student) AND really wanted to come then I'd be feeling charitable but in this case no. I didnt go on holiday with my parents once at uni.I think I went away with them the summer between a levels and uni but not since, I didn't want to. Went away with mates though!

I must be doing something wrong. My 3 dds are 23, 21 and nearly 18 and still enjoy/expect to come on holiday with us.

They’ve done short breaks with friends plus the usual inter-railing and Camp America but longer holidays with us and so far we’ve paid for them.

Older two have graduated are now working but not earning a huge amount yet.

How do you tell them they’re no longer invited?

@Doteycat that’s nice for your dc but the reality is that for many uni students they simply wouldn’t be able to afford to study without a job.

Im fully aware of this.
But that is not the same as "all students should be working"

We do not take our uni age kids on holiday (haven't since younger one was 16, except the odd week skiing, the last of which was very hard work). We expect them to go on their own holidays if they can afford it, or build their CVs with jobs, internships, courses etc. And we make sure our main holiday is not appealing to them! Though they have not shown desire to come as they have their own interests and plans.

Do your own thing OP. And make sure the expectation is there that they do theirs.

Go in term time without them. Much cheaper.

My parents stopped paying for me at 18. I think I did go away with them a couple of years after that, but I paid for everything, obviously.

Totally justifiable. My friend now has two kids at uni and has already told both of them that they need to get jobs - eldest this year and youngest next year as she's in her first year. She'll bankroll them through their first year and will pay their accommodation every year, but once they're into their second year and beyond any other spends are on them. They have the choice to get a job over the summer to earn enough for the next year, or get a part time job while they're at Uni (or both if they want even more money).

They have the option of going on holiday with them, but they'll have to contribute something themselves if they want to go.

Unless you're very wealthy, you have to draw the line somewhere. For you, that line is holidays.

"Sorry kids - with covering your costs at home and at Uni, we just can't cover 4 people for a holiday any more. If you want to come you'd each need to pay us £X"

We're paying for our 3 children plus eldest girlfriend, both 18. I might be selfish but I just want family holidays to continue for as long as possible and they all want to come! Very expensive but I'd rather sacrifice something else as they couldn't afford to come otherwise.