DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

Well that's very easy to say. How do you think you'll cope with grandchildren, being disabled and having regular bad days and "tricky" days?

All right, fair enough. I’m being unreasonable. I will work on being more grateful.

I just had a brief look for the ones I've seen in Tesco and there is a brand called Little Dish and also Annabelle Karmel does some although they do have a little more sugar I think.

There are probably others too in other supermarkets, they are specially made for children so hopefully the nutrition should be pretty good. Hope this helps you :)

The meals my mum used to serve the dc when they were tiny is the stuff of legend in our house. They developed a taste for kix TV too (cbeebies on my watch).

It's not done them any harm over their lifetime, although ds is a teenager who isn't sporty or 6ft, so I'm tempted to blame her for that.

She saved us a small fortune in childcare though. And bonded the dc when they reminisce about their bizarre culinary experiences.

Honestly OP, you will look back in years to come and wonder why you worried so much about lots of different things. Your child is well cared for and loved, that's the most important thing x

Was your h raised on healthy meals or did his mum cook a child’s meal for him and eat an adult meal with her husband? Some people (including people on here) believe that kids meals should be the sort of thing that you get on kids menus and giving normal adult food is unrealistic.

Have a chat with your MIL to ask what art activities, books and LEGO/brick building activities she’d like to with her grandchild. Get her the things required and hopefully they’ll do some activities. For the food you could provide something to heat up. Yanbu.

Peter Rabbit and Shaun the Sheep are literally on CBeebies on iPlayer.

Don't beat yourself up, it's really hard to hand over the reins when it comes to your child when they're so young, especially to family. You want them to have a close relationship and bond, but also don't want loads of unhealthy habits creeping in/things that weren't viewed as a problem years ago but now are seen as less than ideal.

I am in the same boat at times. There are definitely things my parents have done that I'd rather they didn't, especially food-wise, and I have brought things up with them, but you just have to choose your battles wisely. But it's hard, so don't feel too down that you feel this way!!

I think your over thinking this, as long as your child is fed and happy with MIL that's all I would care about. Oven food itself isn't necessarily bad, maybe just ask to serve it with some veg. Kids go through stages with food amd this is only a few times a week and 1 meal out of 3 on those days. I wouldn't be concerned about the tv either as she probs enjoys watching those shows with her grandchild. Me and my DD love watching shows together and she enjoys watching things with her grandparents too.

I think you need to put yourself in her shoes.

She’s 61 and retired. However healthy you are it’s knackering looking after a child at that age. Additionally she’s probably not used so much to multitasking so trying to cook a spaghetti bolognaise from scratch whilst watching a toddler might be difficult. And 2, 3 even 4 oven food meals are fine if there’s a bit of variety and some veg on the side. Again from her perspective she probably sees that your DC eats it without a lot of complaint and is full, happy and well behaved afterwards.

As long as he’s not watching porn or slasher movies then the TV really isn’t an issue at all.

It’s less a matter of being grateful, more that it would be unreasonable to make your MIL’s life more difficult when she’s already helping you out. As others have said if you really feel this strongly a nursery would be a better choice.

You wouldn't blink an eye if it was once a week, but its dreadful if it's twice a week?

If it’s so important to you, get DH to say something less subtle and more direct, but DMIL will probably resent it.

Out of interest, how much TV do people think is normal for a 2 year old? A hour a day? Maybe I should cut myself some slack as well as MIL?

I really do know where you’re coming from OP, as I have a chronic illness and a young child. It’s hard and you do need to be able to use the shortcuts yourself, so yes you need other carers to keep them to a minimum.

That said, when a family member is looking after your son for free there is only so much you can do. I think it’s reasonable to talk to your MIL about it in a polite and friendly manner, but if she doesn’t respond then you will just have to make your own choice about your options. Maybe try suggesting specific outings to her.

As little as possible, as much as is necessary. Then you make up for it at other times.

"MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do."

Wow, this is one of the most entitled comments I've ever seen. You're juggling a job and being a mum because guess what, that's what you bloody well chose! Your MIL didn't get pregnant with your son did she. She's retired, presumably after working for many years. Do you resent that? I think you might have a very different perspective when you're 61. As for her being in good health - well, I'm naturally sorry you aren't but it's not a competition and at 61 she may not be fitting fit for much longer. I'm 67 and I know how rapidly health can decline. I think you need to "give your head a wobble" as they say on this site.

My first 2 year old got 20 mins a day, my third 2 year old got dawn to dusk.

It's all a matter of opinion, I prefer CBeebies to YouTube and it irks me when MIL puts on YouTube for the kids, so there's no winning really.

Wait wtf have I just read? You don’t want your MIL offering tv and nuggets because you want to be able to offer tv and nuggets and for her to do the hard parenting graft instead?
Unless you are paying MIL a professional wage YABVU!

Cbeebies is actually pretty good, it's hardly Nickelodeon or Milkshake. It tends to have far slower paced programmes.

If she was showing him CocoMelon or Blippi or something I'd have far more of an issue.

I never really set a limit e.g if the weather is bad and DD wasn't in the mood for crafts or playing then we'd snuggle and watch more tv on some days then others. She would watch at that age whilst I got dinner ready or did some chores it this would normally be split throughout the day, they don't always need to be doing an activity. When she was that age In the night garden was always a bedtime favourite before story time

Beggars can't be choosers as they say. If you don't want to cook for him at MILs, you or DH prep and freeze meals for when you are struggling. Or pay for childcare.

Children's TV can be educational and helpful for learning development. Eg. some programmes show other children interacting with each other, which if your DC is an only child can be beneficial. My DS learned to read at an early age helped along by the programme 'alphablocks'. Unless he is watching TV for hours, I dont see any harm at all.

This

And looking after DS and keeping him entertained with no screen I think could be pretty tough at age 61.

This... I'm feeling the OP is a little bit sanctimonious.

I remember Tots TV from when my siblings were little and it was utter shite. There's some really good stuff on CBeebies these days. I wouldn't watch the new Peter Rabbit if you paid me though.

Anyway, I voted YABU because:
It's only 2 afternoons a week.
Granny probably doesn't cook her own dinner at toddler teatime so it would be more work for her to give him what she normally eats, and/or she'd have to try and cook while looking after him.
Children do just get fussier around that age. It's a normal developmental stage, even if many Mumsnetters like to claim their DC always ate everything. So I doubt if it's two beige teas a week from Granny that is causing this.

Also, I do get that it's hard when you have a disability and are tired, but it's probably much easier for your child to separate 'how we do things at Granny's' from 'how we do things at home'. I limit screen time at home because I know my child and I know that if we sometimes watched more than two episodes of Hey Duggee (or whatever), he'd whine for it all the time because he knows it's possible. If he's at someone else's house who gets to watch more TV, that doesn't tend to cause problems. So it's more likely the fact that there's not a clear rule at home that's making him ask for more - I don't have a solution to that but I doubt that it's MIL driving it, especially if she tends to put on different stuff to you.