DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

You will look back at this and laugh in a few years OP.

Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do

Did you and your husband talk about the effect of having a child on your lives? I don't know if your disability has only just been diagnosed but if not, did you not discuss the reality of looking after a child and having a job?
Having a toddler is extremely tiring, as you are finding. I am not sure why you expect someone older to find it easier and more enjoyable.

Resentment is so unreasonable. He is your child, and she is doing you a massive favour, for free.

If you don’t like it, go for formal childcare. Agree with the other PP; batch cook your scratch meals for your tricky days, if you have such an issue with oven food. You can’t tell her not to give it, so that you can give it.

I would repeat others and say do not do or say anything that would risk free childcare from a loving grandparent being taken away.

You just don’t seem to be getting it OP.

You are making yourself look a-bit of a prick to be honest and I’m embarrassed for you now.

It’s your child, not your mother in laws. Just pay for childcare instead.

I was just going to say there's significant nuance in this and a lot of debate in the academic world.

The main issue with screen time is 'opportunity cost' rather than inherently anything bad about the screen itself- that whilst watching TV the child is wasting time that they could be using to develop key skills. In the study you linked about 1 year olds I think most sensible parents would agree that 4 hours a day is a ludicrous amount for a baby and that it's unsurprising that would have an effect on development. One study you've shared combines data from children from 0-18- how helpful is that? Not very. Equally for a teenager who racks up lots of time of screens outside of school it's hardly surprising that on average they would be more likely to be obsessed and have problems with sleep.

Here's the nuance- what does all this data mean for your child in the context of your genetics, socio-economic background and parenting style?

I don't believe for one second that my 3 year old child, with two educated parents in a higher socioeconomic group, who every day has an activity like soft play, farm, forest school, playgroup, is then negatively impacted if we sit and watch Moana together in the afternoon.

There is also the question of the quality of programming and the presence of parents. Watching with a parent and discussing the programme can actually be helpful rather than harmful to their development!
It's again the difference between 2 hours of kids YouTube on a tablet and two hours of cosying up with a family member and watching a Disney film, having a dance and a sing song.

I think screen time can be demonised unfairly and it's just another rod for parents (Mainly mothers) backs who overall are doing their best.

You're being very judgmental for someone that's getting a favour / free childcare. Especially since you admit you need to take these same shortcuts yourself sometimes, so quite hypocritical. Your chronic health issues don't somehow make you more deserving of needing to do TV time and oven food, many parents and grandparents resort to this for many reasons. She's not endangering your child so I would absolutely let it go in this situation or pay for additional nursery if you feel strongly enough about it. We don't allow our toddler to watch anything on the iPad or eat chocolate at home but when my mum is with him I know she shows him stuff on the iPad and gives him chocolate and yes it means he asks for it more as a result of that but whatever, I just say no, deal with the consequences and move on rather than dictating to my mum how to spend time with him.

We're all miraculous and perfect grandparents when it's hypothetical, OP.

I also have a chronic condition so I'm speaking from a place of experience: you are being very unreasonable.

You can do a large amout to offset your challenging days by making food during good periods and freezing it in individual portions, choosing easy but heathy things like stir fries for your toddler and a million other accomodations the rest of us resort to when juggling health conditions and parenthood.

Ditto keeping small children entertained; DH worked awaty during the week for I had to work this out for myself, and it just takes some ingenuity and lateral thinking. A taxi to places they can have fun while you sit down, like library activity times or soft play; having a friend over alternate weeks in a reciprocal arrangement so they entertain themselves primarily and you get a break every other week; playing games outside where they run and you rest... it's amazing how many things a toddler with run to find or race to if you count the number of seconds aloud.

You have a chronic condition and a child. These are yours to manage. Life is tough some time and we just have to step up. Your inlaws are already helping you very much by providing regular childcare.

The 'cost' of two afternoons of free healthcare is beige oven food and telly. That's OK.

You really cant blame his request to watch tv on your MIL. Why not get rid of your TV ? At 20 months he won't ask for what he can't see.

Chronic illness or not you do sound ungrateful and definately hypocritical if you want to do this yourself but not want MIL to do the same.

Her state of health in comparison to yours isnt relevant. You are just looking to find faults.

His acceptance of a different foods will change over time too. Again, your MIL is not to blame for that.

It never stops being true - if you lend some people a fiver they expect you to iron it.

Maybe she struggles too. Just because she's a fit 60 year old doesn't mean that some things aren't a struggle. Maybe she thinks it's a treat for him to watch TV a couple of times a week.
YABVU. If you don't like what she does with him when she's providing childcare then you'll need to make an alternative arrangement.

You are complaining about her giving chicken nuggets and wanting the option to give chicken nuggets reserved for the times when you are struggling. That's just not on at all. You want her to provide healthy food and wholesome activities with no TV so that you can use the easy options when you aren't feeling well. You have absolutely no idea what it's like to be 60. You are saying you'd do this, that and the other when you're a grandma and only have them for a couple of afternoons. You have no idea what you will be capable of at that age. You might want to help out a struggling DIL but not actually be that capable any more and you're struggling already at your much younger age so you could well end up using the shortcuts too.

The whole thing needs a rethink. If you're not happy with MIL's care then you will have to look for a childminder or other provider who will provide the healthy meals and no TV.
If you're struggling you need to find ways of dealing with this with DH, extra childcare etc.

@OhCrumbsWhereNow Thank you that is reassuring. When we do do TV that’s exactly what we opt for - Beatrix Potter, Tots TV, Wallace and Gromit etc. I have told MIL we prefer more educational or older programmes and that I don’t think the modern flashing animation and ultra fast moving plots are very good on CBeebies. But despite this she keeps showing them to DS I assume as it’s convenient on iplayer. I’ve said YouTube can have good stuff but she just keeps on with CBeebies.

Nailed it. Give your head a wobble op!

I am the MIL! I look after my grandchild once a week for a long day. We go to the park or softplay, we do crafts but we also watch kids TV and eat pizza/nuggets. However my son and his wife are very, very grateful. I am 62 and although quite fit and walk a lot/swim I find looking after a small child extremely exhausting. It is totally different from when my own children were small. I think you need to be more appreciative.

Looking at all your posts , i still don't see why you and dh can't cook extra portions when you both prepare meals usually, to freeze for when you're ill?

Also- and I will absolutely entertain them without screens as much as I can maybe that's what mil is doing?

I get you, and I used to have similar feelings about people giving my overweight primary age kids junk food, but I've put YABU too.
Agree with others that you should batch cook and freeze some healthy meals that he can have with them or for times you are in a bind at home. I'd also look for shortcuts like pre chopped carrot sticks, hummous, baby tomatoes etc.

I think you could give MIL a break with the food part of it since he might be kicking back and refusing to eat what she makes. Start meal prepping and get a chest freezer for when you are unwell for quick and easy healthy from scratch meals and double down on the good foods you make him. But definitely have husband say something about the screens. Just tell them at home you limit to less than one hour due to pediatrician's advice. He is quite young so she needs to understand this. Also must be age appropriate shows. She is a young and fit grandma...she needs to make more of an effort but she is also doing you a favor....

Perhaps suggest outings like "x said he wanted to go to x today. Can you take him?"

Well, OP, you've asked for opinions, and the overwhelming consensus is that you are being unreasonable.

What's your thoughts on this? Are you reflecting on whether you are, in fact, unreasonable and will work on improving your mindset on this, or will you just push back against opinions (that you asked for) and single out the rare postssaying YANBU?

why cant you freeze something on a day when you're feeling better? make a pasta pesto meal? an omelet with some frozen veg in? easy and not chicken nuggets?

The obsession about the TV is just silly and kind of snobby. I feel for the MIL. She sounds really helpful and generous with her time. If I was retired I’d be off round the world and no one would be getting free childcare from me

Agreed, I have small portions of homemade chilli and rice in the freezer for example, as a 'ready meal' for my youngest who can be quite restrictive in his eating. I can stack it full of veg etc but have it on the table in less than 5 mins when needed.

The other meal that always went down well with all of mine was what they called snacks plates, so the equivalent of a sandwich but deconstructed. So a couple of bits of bread and butter (we make our own in a bread maker) some ham or whatever, cubes of cheese, cucumber, tomato, apple, strawberry etc, perhaps some multigrain crackers etc. So very limited prep but easy to prepare and eat.

But honestly, batch cooking small portions or whatever you want him to eat can be there as your back up.

Home made nuggets etc are also easy to make and freeze.

This ++++ My three all watched loads of TV ,one in particular lived on chicken nuggets for months when he was going through a tricky stage with food!
All three successful,healthy eaters and Mr Chicken Nuggets has recently run 2 marathons and is earning a fortune for a tech company in London.
It really doesn’t matter, also remember my darling Mum used to give them a shove in the oven meal on Friday afternoons when I was at work…was I bothered?Nope

Your MIL has obviously done a fantastic job of raising her son well.

I'm sure she's doing a great job taking care of her grandson too 2 afternoons a week.

She parented her son. Now its time for her to be a grandparent and do the fun things too. And you and your DH can do the actual parenting.

Be grateful.

Realistically your choices are

use formal childcare but be warned that nurseries do use oven food

pick him up before mealtime

suck it up

Lots of people have happy memories of being snuggly and watching tv with extended family. They also see feeding junk like nuggets as a form of affection and almost “right” for people who aren’t parents and have to consider things like weight and teeth brushing. I’m not saying that it’s a good way to look after kids but I can see why a caregiver would want to avoid being the one trying to convince a child to eat their broccoli.

2 meals a week won’t be the reason why fussiness is appearing. There are lots of cases of kids who previously ate all their vegetables becoming fussy.

Is your MIL house proud and not a fan of going out? Is it possible that warmer weather might mean more outdoor activity which is the easiest way to entertain a toddler ime

This is absurd. Are you actually claiming that reading with a child and dumping them in front of the TV are of equal value to their development?

OP, I have more sympathy than most in this thread. Your MIL shouldn't have agreed to look after your son if she wasn't prepared to attempt to do a decent job of it.