DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

Why does there have to be rigid timeframes....just watch something together....educational or a lovely Disney film.

He's in his Grannys , leave them be.

Hmm she totally could make him nutritious food but there’s nothing you can do to encourage it.

i agree with PP that you could do some batch cooking and take it over for his childcare days

Also - has anyones child asked for the TV on repeatedly? Sometimes he does it as soon as he wakes up it’s his waking words. Should I be concerned about that? He’s been asking all day today no matter what I try and do with him. Hence me posting.

Ha. Mine watched CBeebies all day long a lot of the time and they've turned out lovely 🤣

Thanks for the links.

From the BMJ one:

"There was weak evidence for associations of screentime with behaviour problems, anxiety, hyperactivity and inattention, poorer self-esteem, poorer well-being and poorer psychosocial health, metabolic syndrome, poorer cardiorespiratory fitness, poorer cognitive development and lower educational attainments and poor sleep outcomes."

So you don't want her to take shortcuts like tv and oven food so you can? Pay for nursery or keep him yourself

@Chilliinitiative

Why don't you freeze home cooked meals for him so on your bad days you can use these instead of chicken nugget meals?

YABU my mum was a health nut when younger and I wasn’t allowed to watch tv. It hasn’t helped me in the slightest- I struggle to regulate both junk food and screen time for myself and I’m no more healthy than my peers who lived on microwave meals and had the tv on all evening as kids.

Why can’t you batch cook and heat up something healthy when you have a bad day? As for the comments that you would happily entertain grandkids without a screen or oven meals, well obviously not because you can’t even do that now (not your fault but you can’t).

If it’s such a huge deal to you (and I really wouldn’t let it be because it makes little to no difference to how he will turn out) then put him in full time childcare. However this will probably affect his closeness to his grandparents so it won’t actually benefit him.

@Chilliinitiative I am so sorry that you have chronic ill health issues which make life very difficult some days on a regular basis, and I do understand that you think, if only you didn't have to work (i.e. when you retire) you would be able to be the ideal Grandparent when your DS has children.

Realistically though, in 30 years or so, with a chronic health condition and getting decades older, you are highly unlikely to be able to do what you have stated above, even although you may want to. You already have bad days, which is very sad, and hard for you, but it is your reality.

Your MIL sounds like she is doing what she can to help and you either need to pay someone else for those 2 afternoons, or let it go. She's brought up her child/children and I don't think, from your posts, that you actually understand, how tiring it will be for your MIL, even if she is relatively fit, hence the Resentment you are clearly feeling that she isn't doing more to help.

Let it go. Your DS will be fine in the long run.

Yes that's what kids do when they like something, wait until there older and you wake up to them already watching TV whilst your still asleep 😅 mine knows how to use my coffee machine now (DD8) so she insists I stay in bed whilst she makes my morning coffee - it takes her 30 minutes as she's sneaking in some morning tablet time 😅

Indeed! I'm in my 60s - the OP has no idea how much more quickly even seemingly fit and healthy women get tired post-menopause. Looking after a toddler at 60+ - I can't even imagine it!

YANBU at all, OP. I'm aware I'm in the minority here (but then I find extremely depressing the mumsnet consensus that you mention on your op).
Posted too soon! Just wanted to say that I think you should look for alternative childcare maybe for one of those afternoons.

Kids ask for things they like. We say no. It's normal.

Yeah this. I was on the fence until op said she wants to keep the easy way for herself 🙈

YABU. She’s doing you a favour, if you want to dictate then pay for a professional.

If you want everyone else to be strict so that you can be the one who does the TV and the chicken nuggets- pay for a professional.

Well the food thing is easy. You make him something fresh and give it to MIL to put in the oven so no need for MIL to do any cooking.

TV you have to leave really. You could send along some TV alternatives- some toys that he happily plays independently with for a while. MIL obviously isn’t keen to spend the whole time interacting with him.

There's no "normal"

Some people put a tv in their toddlers' bedroom.
My kids didn't watch tv at all ever when they were 2 - just because it's easier if they don't start and I don't find any program "educational". They have Playstation now, don't get me wrong, and that's not educational😂

You cannot compare what you do with YOUR child and what someone else does. Your house is set up for your child, it's a completely different environment.

YABU for the tone you are talking about your MIL and "Maybe I should cut myself some slack as well as MIL". You are the mother, of course you have ALL the hard work! (shared with dad)!

Lol normal. Mine wakes up asking for pizza

I bet he has a great time there. I was so grateful when my mum looked after my child and that the two of them together had a special time I didn't involve myself with the finer details, it was up to my mum how she filled the time and my child's stomach.

If this is once a week, sounds like a child's dream LOL

Keep saying no, and that TV is for Nanny's house. He'll get bored of asking - hopefully before you cave!

You are being unreasonable but it depends whether MIL and FIL want to look after your DC or if they’re doing it because it helps you out. Best way to find out is to say to them “this is how we’d like our child looked after and if you can’t do that then it’s fine but we will sort nursery / a childminder/ look after them ourselves instead“ And see how that goes down. You’ve got to be prepared to put your money where your mouth is though and if you aren’t able to do that then you’re not in a position to put any demands on them. They are doing you a massive favour and you should be grateful that your child is being looked after and developing a lovely bond with their grandparents.

If this is a big concern then you cut out TV at home completely or have a very set time for it that isn’t deviated from. He knows he gets TV time at Granny’s but he also knows that it’s always a no from Mummy.

So when you go out to weekend entertainment seeing families and kids doing bowling, what do you think they do? Spending few hours relaxing over not important life topics and eating crap food