DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do

What comes across is your resentment which you need to work on. Don't get into a sickness competition with a 61 year old retiree. Also you mention helping a fiture DIL but given you struggle now is that realistic?

Why not focus on what you can control. If healthy meals are your focus and no screen time then do that when it's your childcare time. Plan for more healthy meals and freeze so you are not resorting fo UPFs.

However I think your issue is resentment which is causing you to be negative.

You're being really unreasonable. If you're that concerned put him in nursery or parent yourself.

His appetite for a range of food has also narrowed lately.

This is pretty normal at that age, probably nothing to do with the meals he has at Gran's.

Oh yeah.. my standards when way downhill 🤣

Honestly it will make zero difference to your child long-term.

I absolutely get you OP and you know, you are not unreasonable, you are absolutely right in your expectations.
Your MIL is not doing this only to help you - as I understand she wants to spend time with her grandchild. And he is not spending quality time with Granny as such as it seems he is spending a big chunk in front of TV.
At this age spending time with Grandma should be about play, walks, various experiences…I’m sure you won’t mind them doing egg and soldiers together, you are not demanding complicated food.
People who don’t understand why you use the shortcuts yourself but object her MIL using them don’t understand that it’s your necessity and it might come to the point when it will restrict your child opportunities so you want them to have as much as possible at this stage with healthy fit Granny who has free time as not working.

A few of my friends have grandkids if a similar age and look for them one or two afternoons or a day in one case. They all try to spend time playing and having fun, cooking them interesting food often together.

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

These were your choices. You chose to have DC and chose to work on top of having a chronic illness. Perhaps MIL is in good health but at 61, she'll have less energy than you think. That's just age. In any case, she served her sentence a long time ago. She's earned her free time.

Perhaps you'll be the 61 yr old MIL one day. What will you feed your GC when you're having a flare up?

Psychologymam · Today 15:14
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I wouldn’t want tv on tap and lots of fried foods

Doubt it’s fried food. Oven, most likely. Not the end of the world. Glass of milk and some fruit afterwards.

Send him with a dinner if you’re worried. The tv is probably just on in the background I’m sure there will be worse things to worry about.

You don't sound incredibly grateful at all. You sound like you think what she does isn't to a good enough standard and resentful. If you are grateful stop not picking at her. She wants to feed her grandson food she sees he enjoys and to treat him. She is following the age old description of a grandparents home which is where you get to do things you can't at your normal home and eat more fun foods.

Read your post again, OP and count your blessings.

My parents look after my nieces once a fortnight and in their 60s they really don’t have the energy or inclination to deal with fussy toddlers/kids.

My mum would spend ages preparing something “healthy” for the grandkids only for them to turn their noses up and say they want something different etc.

I happened to be visiting on one of these afternoons and she was in tears at one point and I said to her, you’re doing DB and SIL a massive favour and the world won’t end if they have pizza/nuggets/chips when they’re with their granny!

Perspective is what’s needed.

My MIL sat my DS in front of Baby TV or CeeBeebies when she minded him. He also got trips to the park and library when weather permitted. I’m not sure he was getting his five a day there either.
He’s now a strapping, sporty teenager who is absolutely nailing secondary school and getting fantastic grades.
Stop worrying.

Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do

so its not really about the food......

Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

Hold on, it's your child, not hers. She's done her bit.

She is doing you a massive favour, and it's good for your child to have a relationship with her anyway.

No you cannot say anything because you disagree with her parenting/ babysitting skills! You can give strict instructions to a nanny you employ, not a family member doing you a favour.

You could offer to bring food for your child, to "help out" but as you have already tried, you can't force it.

No, you cannot make any comment on how they spend a couple of hours together! How ridiculous. If you want something different, pay for different childcare.

@pizzaHeart THANK YOU! X

Why would you resent that your MIL has more free time and better health than you? Your child is not your MIL child. My Mum and MIL dont do any childcare for my child! I wish they would but they have done their child rearing and are always too busy apart from the odd babysitting. And i am grateful for that. It feels really entitled that you not only resent someone for having more free time than you, but you actually expect them to give up their free time for free, and quibble about how they do it. You are in great danger of your MIL telling you to bugger off!

If you don’t like it pay a professional. They are doing you a huge favour.
Maybe they are knackered and haven’t got the energy to cook more? Why don’t you send them with food?

Its winter so maybe they don’t want to be running around in the snow and ice.

My niece is two and has learnt so much from having some screen time.

I'd also just be appreciative that she looks after him, feeds him and keeps him entertained... whatever that may look like.

Its not the hill to die on.

Then save the preprepared home cooked meals you tried sending to MIL that she didn’t use for days when you are struggling. If your DH is preparing several fresh meals a week, it’s no more effort to make an extra portion to freeze. Ask here for no effort healthy food ideas that YOU can serve when you are unwell.

You could also ask here for things to do instead of TV when you need a rest eg doctors or vets where you, the patient, lies on the sofa was one of my favourites or “beauty treatments” or hairdressers 😂

If you want her to do activities with him, it might be helpful to send (non messy) things to do with him or pay for a class or day out. Craft and cooking activities with DGC have cost me a small fortune and it probably takes me more time to come up with the ideas than the activity does 😂 It would probably be cheaper for me to pay for childcare than taking them on a day out! Even “free” things like museums end up costing money for transport, drinks and snacks.

This!

My kids also watched way too much TV (and way, way more than the OP's child is) and ate freezer food 4 times a week at their grandparents, not to mention a vast amount of cake at their other grandparents when they were little. DD watched so many Disney films on DVD over and over again when she was small that she could have chosen that as her specialist subject on Mastermind by the time she was 9!

I'm pleased to report that they are both fit, healthy, definitely not overweight, and currently both at university.

OP: nothing your MIL is doing is going to be in the slightest bit detrimental. If you're that worried about freezer food, batch cook when you are well enough and freeze it for when you aren't. Job done.

Hello. I’m sorry, this sounds tricky but I wouldn’t worry too much. My DM did exactly the same thing when my DD was young. She didn’t want me preparing food because she felt I had enough on as was working and from her point of view she did just as she did when I was growing up and I turned out ok! My DD now 11 is healthy and has screen time but does lots of other things too. I think when a relative is looking after your child, you have to give them some space and while what your MIL is doing may not be ideal (and I think most people would agree fresh meals and no tv would be great if possible) its not something that is going to be seriously harmful for your DC. The best thing your DC gets from this arrangement is spending time with their grandma. This doesn’t mean they have to be playing all the time. My DD has a really lovely relationship with my DM as compared to my niece who didn’t have the same set up. Maybe your MIL is not sure where to go out or does not feel confident? Maybe suggest eg DC loves going to x park and it’s a lovely day…
Re your own health, that sounds difficult. If your DH is making meals from scratch then he can cook double the quantity. Or a roast chicken can stretch across a few meals. Things like eggs on toast or jacket potato with something and fruit are pretty healthy meals.
None of us do everything we’d like to with our kids, we can only try our best. Your child is loved and fed.

Have you been watching to much motherland
This sounds very much like Julia with her mum .
Remember how that went
Marion stopping doing any childcare at all ...

You say you wouldn't mind TV once a week, but it's only happening twice a week. You can limit his TV time when he's at home to compensate.
About the 'shortcut' food, could you not plan some easy healthy options for the times when you don't feel up to cooking? Eg, hummus with pitta bread and sliced tomatoes, or a heated up tin of spinach with a softly fried egg on top, or even baked beans on wholemeal toast, with fruit to follow? Then MIL could feed him what she has in and can manage. Though fit, she probably finds caring for a small child more tiring at her age that you would on your better days, and may need to conserve her energy too.

Relax.

I had a child who wouldn't eat at that age to the extent the hospital told me that ketchup definitely counted as 'vegetable' and if all DD wanted was crisps and chocolate at least they were high calorie and she was swallowing something! I'd have been thrilled if chicken nuggets had even got a look in.

DD is now 5ft 7, slim, healthy and eats actual food - although a rather obscure diet.

On the TV side, you could meet her halfway. I hated CBeebies and programmes that had too much noise and endless topic changes, used to give me migraines, so I bought a load of DVDs - things like Beatrix Potter animations, then Roald Dahl films, 5 Children & It, Narnia, Secret Garden.

DD loved them all and had a phenomenal vocabulary because she was listening to programmes with good language and stories.