DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

Seriously??? I am totally against fast food, my little one will be 3 in few weeks, he had chips, lets say about 5 times in this 3 years. As a mother yes, sometimes we do lasagna and mac and cheese, but this is only on rare occasions.

I hope this was under controlled laboratory conditions.

YABU and ungrateful

You pack your own food to school and while he is allowed to try some, why having it 2 times per week? Did you ever bother to read that children eat too much salt by the age of 1 and the consequences, dont you think this could be connected??? Maybe if us as parents would bother more, than our children would not have to eat so much crap in schools, but because it is easier for us to feed them that, they of course demand that for school meals too. And it depends as well what school they go to.

Aye think so too.

If I was able to have some respite I would be totally fine with this, especially a 30 month old baby. Grandparents are to spoil GC.

Nah I couldn't be arsed.

Go on ya girl ye, and good luck with it! 🙄

I am with you OP. At this age you are shaping his habits, routines and palate. He will know that at nanny's house he will eat nuggets and watch TV and he thinks he can have it anytime now. So I am afraid at home you will have to be more strict not offering tv and offering a variety of healthy food. I also think that you could definitely prepare meals for him to take and just drop a message before meal time to your MIL to remind her. It's sweet of her to help you out but I don't agree that just because it's free childcare you can't have a saying on what is going on. Clearly this situation serves both of you. U get someone to look after your son and she gets to spend quality time with him. Your husband could definitely have a word with her as I think grandmothers sometimes just do whatever they want regardless. My MIL couldn't even be bothered feeding my DD just because she has a coffee for lunch. She would forget her lunch pack in the car and give her cucumber and gummies or ice cream. This would be the only food she would have from 11am to 4pm. Needless to say I stopped leaving DD with her for the day. DD was also quite young, around 2-3 yo and fussy with food. MIL would definitely choose the easy way...

Hang on, she didn't say "fast food" - it's oven food afaik? I don't think she said the TV was on for the full 4 hours either?

Well you know what, my mother filled my children with the most unmentionable crap. I did protest but she wanted to spoil them, and she only saw them generally every other weekend. She bought them pretty much anything they wanted. We got there to a healthy lunch and then it was all downhill from then on.

I'm glad now she got the chance. She died when the eldest was just 9 and the youngest just 3. I'm so glad I didn't rain on her parade and she got to be the granny she wanted on her terms for the short time she got to be one - and it didn't do my kids any harm. The kids adored her.

That's absolute nonsense.

No adult eats the same as they did when they were 2!!!

Prep some healthy heat up meals that ds likes and mil can just heat up if that worries you and i would just suck up the concerns re the tv.

I am a grandma and sometimes looked after my grandkids when they were this age. Tbh I never liked nuggets and oven chips and always made them fresh food or frozen I had batch baked, im kinda old fashioned I suppose but there's times I can appreciate that these things would be easier to do. As far as tv, I used to love watching with them then do some arty crafty stuff as well.
I worked but from home and when I knew they were coming over I'd prepare for it the day before. I got complaints from one of their mums about them going home with flour, mud or paint on their clothes 😆 and other didn't care coz she knew they'd had fun. One moaned about the food or tv and the other didn't, so its a case of can't please everyone all the time. IMHO OP should be happy the child is safe and cared for.

Mayana1 · Today 21:11

And it depends as well what school they go to.

That quote could have come direct from the genteel lips of our Hyacinth. :)

Whatever do you mean? If you mean that at a "better class of school" the kids get better food, it simply isn't true.

Gosh people are so cruel here! Yes the MIL is doing you a favour and doesn’t owe you anything and it’s free and blah blah blah 🙄
I totally get where you’re coming from. My mum is 63, since she battled the cancer for 2 years she has way less energy than she did before she got ill but she never gives my children junk (more sweets than i would). She doesn’t look after them regularly but it’s just her mindset, I was never fed junk or given much tv when I was a child. She plays with them or initiates an activity and just leaves them to it. My MIL is the opposite, like my DP says, he was always fed the “beige food” as a child and this is what we also get served when we go to hers for dinner. She’s an amazing granny but she has the most unhealthy diet and my kids eat that when they’re there. She always plays with her GC though for the amount of time we’re there.
OP it sounds like you and your DH tried to make subtle suggestions but it didn’t work so you either send your DC with packed lunch to reheat or you need to accept you won’t change your MIL’s mindset.
Also you could provide a tablet with downloaded programmes on Netflix you find suitable for your child. There are great cbbc apps too with creative activities or just colouring apps that my 2 yo loves.
on YouTube your MIL would have to search for the things you suggested. I find YouTube the worst option for my children TBH.

There is a child who used to be in one of my kids junior classes who was expressly forbidden from eating anything remotely processed or sweet by his parents. He has made quite the name for himself through the years due to his behaviour while attending whole class birthday parties. He used to, what I can only describe as gorge, on all foods within reach and then invariably puke. His pain in the arse mother always used to think it’s because her little monster simply wasn’t used to anything sweet 🙄when in fact her blanket ban on everything led him to display unregulated and disordered eating when faced with anything remotely frivolous.

It’s all about balance.

I totally get your anxiety as a mum of a young child. We also have similar values around screen time and quality food. You obviously want to set your little one up with good habits, however it’s easy to get very hung up on this when the reality is that this is unavoidable.
Our sons went to nursery 4 times a week so we were constantly unhappy with the quality of food there and they also use screens at the end of the day when they are tidying up. I also feel that this should be reserved for my time and not time I’m paying for. We now have one at primary school and oh my goodness the food is awful (pizza and chips every week, chicken nuggets every Friday, puddings everyday ).
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that this will continue as your child gets older and it’s unavoidable that they won’t be exposed to it. Children are very good from a young age at understanding that things are different depending on their environments, so despite these challenges in other settings we have continued to offer our usual options at home and they continue to eat them if they choose to. In some ways I try to reassure myself that this is helping to reduce a food hierarchy in their mind and learn to make balanced choices as they grow. That said, I have no idea why as a population we don’t have a better understanding of nutrition and see the link between our diet and the endless health issues we have these days! Your mother in law should know better, especially if she’s clearly not eating that food herself.

however your mother in law is doing you a huge favour with this childcare and so it depends how important it is to you to kick up a fuss. I would either ask your partner to be more direct with his mother - offer to provide some homemade meals that you’ve batch cooked and can be easily reheated or politely ask that baby eats the same food as them. On the TV front, I would be surprised if your child is actively watching more than 30 mins at a time. There are a lot of people in that age group who have the TV permanently on for background noise. My 2.5 year old has 30 mins at the weekend and wouldn’t last just longer than that. You could build up a box of things - arts and crafts, blocks and other activities which you can take to mother in laws to ensure he has other options than TV.

Get a life and thank your lucky stars for free childcare.

I am a similar age to your MIL and I get tired !!
mind you I’m still an unpaid carer for a family member and I have a large house to run by myself with no help at all plus pets to care for .
I think I’d be delighted to look after a grandchild regularly but I’d still need for the child to have some downtime watching TV .
I would probably make something simple and healthy for them to eat but it could not be complicated as I’d need to be watching the child , not cooking and taking my eye off them

So pay for childcare. Can just imagine the conversations your parents in law have about you !

Well then you realise even the paid childcare doesn’t do everything how you’d ideally like, so you need to adapt and make the best of what you’ve got.

Wtf? Seriously do you hear yourself? UNGRATEFUL & UTTERLY RIDICULOUS

I’d be very grateful for having help from relatives who are happy to look after their beloved grandchildren for free if I were you! They are invaluable! Also related to said children! Some people have to leave them with fully trained nursery workers who don’t give screen time but not one to one like grandparents for a fortune!! £70 ish a day depending on nursery, just sayin

Ps Little Dish - great brand for microwave meals. Perhaps get some for MIL to stash.

Plus anything Julia Donaldson is also my preferred go to TV programme for that age. They generally all last only 30 mins. Suggest those as options.

My grandparents let me eat all the sweets I wanted, watch tv with any meal that wasn't a full family sit down and generally spoilt me.

I'm fine, I knew I wouldn't get away with controlling the tv or eating 2 chocolate bars at home. Grandparents tend to indulge. I'd not worry when all in all she seems to be pretty great and your DS is happy healthy and loved.

You & OP are being utterly ungrateful & ridiculous. Cop ON!

When some one is offering free childcare, you kind of have to go with what they are offering. By all means make a fuss, but you might find the the offer withdrawn.