DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

Just be pleased you’re getting free safe childcare. If he watches children’s tv so what? You can’t make rules like this for family. Just let them enjoy the 4 hours they have

But nuggets aren't the only "quick and easy meal". So it doesn't matter if he has that 2x a week. You can give him other quick things.

Eg micro scrambled egg, wholemeal toast and beans.

Micro jacket potato cheese and cucumber sticks.

Frozen veg and lentil soup and a buttered roll.

I absolutely agree with every word and I’m 65, currently looking after 3 for the night and they’re having a fun time with me. Not many rules here, that’s the great thing about being Nana

You should be grateful and thankful that your MIL is providing free and loving childcare. Many other parents do not have this level of support so maybe you should appreciate what she does for you. The way you critisise her is completely unreasonable

Seriously??? I am totally against fast food, my little one will be 3 in few weeks, he had chips, lets say about 5 times in this 3 years. As a mother yes, sometimes we do lasagna and mac and cheese, but this is only on rare occasions. No I do not want him to eat that 2 times per week and mother in law should be much wiser and try to feed him healthy. My mom grows her own veggies and the only fast food in her house is Pizza 2-3 times per year. That is the environment I grew up in and I am passing it to my little one. I do love fast food though, but I know how bad it is for my child, so I am not letting him having it. And limited screen time to educational shows that he actually learns from. Yes the op is YANBU. She is the right to decide what her child will eat and suggest how much screen time is allowed and what shows to watch.

What I’m hearing from the post is u and dh don’t feel heard or respected by mil . You said earlier She didn’t like the subject being brought up. This will grow and boundaries will be broken. We have grandchildren and know we aren’t parents. We ask and understand why things are important it’s about her and not respecting she’s not the parent. She can’t be spending much time with the child if they are watching lots of tv and hen being fed fast food. Use ur free nursery hours when you can and remember you are both important to the child but treating the relationship respectfully with communication will gain results..

I do think you are overthinking all of this and suggest you see it as a slight interruption in your level of care. He is clearly safe, and looked after at Grandmas so really no worries. Concentrate a bit more on your own well being. Take care.

So 2 days of junk per week you find alright? What are you feeding your children with though? McDc every day?

My MIL did stuff with my kids that drove me nuts. But, it's GP time. They get to do all the rubbish, bad-for-them things because they hand them back. It's only twice a week. If you're really concerned, you could maybe batch-cook and send frozen portions for her to defrost and heat up?

I am a 60 year old grandmother and I can tell you that retired (early) or not you do not have the energy you had when you were 30! I live with one of my daughters/she lives with me etc and 3 grandsons 5,7 and 14 and do a huge amount of child care and cooking. And am exhausted!
I also do not get the snobbery around “oven food” when I was a young mum in the 1990,s /2000’s everyone railed about microwave meals and for my own mothers generation in the 1970,s it was “TV dinners” all deemed the work of the devil! Nonetheless we all had these from time to time and survived it🙄 You should just be thankful that you are getting this help as you pointed out nobody is entitled to help from grandparents or wider family!
my eldest grandson only liked beige food when he was a toddler but at 14 he will now happily eat spicy food (my preferred cuisines) garlic pepper etc and will always try new things, this despite the odd ready made pizza and garlic bread 😱
Also perhaps your MIL rightly sees herself as having earned the right to take things a bit easier at 61 and to enjoy her grandchild in a way that only a grandparent can.

Sorry but I must say, get a grip.

Mayana1 · Today 20:11

Soonenough · Yesterday 14:19
She's not letting him watch Squid Games is she and two times a week of chicken nuggets and chips won't make a long term difference. Or you can prepare food on your good days and send it with him and freeze some for your own off days . Do not sacrifice good free childcare over these issues . Nobody else will love your child like his grandmother.
Seriously??? I am totally against fast food, my little one will be 3 in few weeks, he had chips, lets say about 5 times in this 3 years. As a mother yes, sometimes we do lasagna and mac and cheese, but this is only on rare occasions. No I do not want him to eat that 2 times per week and mother in law should be much wiser and try to feed him healthy. My mom grows her own veggies and the only fast food in her house is Pizza 2-3 times per year. That is the environment I grew up in and I am passing it to my little one. I do love fast food though, but I know how bad it is for my child, so I am not letting him having it. And limited screen time to educational shows that he actually learns from. Yes the op is YANBU.

OMG! Talk about precious! One day you will look back at what you wrote and shudder at how you come across.
A little "junk food" never hurt anyone, if the child's parents are feeding them properly on the other days. My own DC grew up happy, healthy, highly intelligent in both IQ and EQ.

She is the right to decide what her child will eat and suggest how much screen time is allowed and what shows to watch.

She also has the right to bugger right off and find paid childcare. Pay the piper and call the tune.

I don't understand why everyone is being so mean and aggressive. I think instead of telling your MIL not to do certain things so you can do them instead when you're struggling (which is fair btw!), maybe just make it more general. Eg "we're trying to limit processed food, would you mind giving him scrambled eggs/sandwich/whatever else instead of chips more often". Or make a super easy packed lunch for him. Batch cook soup to heat up? Or "we're trying to limit screen time, do you think it would be possible to limit it to half hour / one or two shows per stay". Nothing wrong with polite requests.

I’ve read the thread and while I appreciate that life is sometimes hard for you, I think the level of control you are trying to exert is not at all normal however.

Life is about balance. And raising a healthy child, one who is able for life and all its challenges, is predominantly based on love, nurturing and security.

It sounds like you are doing a good job. It also sounds like your child’s grandmother is doing a good job. You can’t simply dictate terms and not just because she is doing you a favour but because she is his grandmother and it is HER home. If your child was being mistreated or was unhappy there that’s one things but their time is THEIR time and I think it obnoxious to try and control that.

The time your child spends with her should
afford you a valuable lesson for life going forward as your child grows older. Because I can guarantee you that you trying to dictate food and activities at birthday parties or play dates in the future will really really not go down well with others.

You are obviously doing your best and that’s fine but you will have to let go of this level of rigidity @Chilliinitiative or you’re in for a world of heartache.

Well you are going to have a world of hurt ahead of you if you are going to be so rigid, starting from when he goes to school. Are you going to stop him from going to parties, or forbid him to have school meals?

You won't always be able to control what your child eats, and sometimes it's the children who have been most rigidly controlled who are the ones that go mad eating crap when they have the opportunity.

Not every activity has to be about learning either. It's ok sometimes to just have fun!

OK as a Mum with a youngish (8) child and several serious health concerns I can see why you want to make your own life easier on the rough days.

BUT I am also a grandparent to a 2yo. And sometimes we do amazing crafts, loads of activities etc etc and sometimes dgc just wants to snuggle on the sofa and be cuddled even if we have the best things planned. Sometimes we eat great meals and sometimes not.

It is very easy to say what you will you in the future but in reality being a grandparent can be exhausting and bloody hard work and as a grandparent you are the "get out space". It is the place where they get to bend the rules a bit or a lot..... it isn't home.

Relax! Your son will be fine. Variety is important and he is building an amazing relationship with his grandparents. Enjoy the free childcare and appreciate the positives.

Maybe because the OP is so utterly unreasonable, and also because she has said she has already asked her MIL to do things differently to no avail.

I'm still staggered she's resentful of her MIL's time in retirement!!!

I'm still staggered she's resentful of her MIL's time in retirement!!!

This!!!

With regard to screen time, I am older than your MIL and one of my children woke up every day at around 5.30 am from being about 18 months to going to school. My husband worked away a lot and I lived hours away from my parents so mostly everything fell on me. He would never go back to sleep and so we were regularly downstairs at 5.30 and I would lie on the sofa with one eye closed and he would watch Thomas or Pingu until the blessed moment came at 6am when Sesame St started!
So my young child probably watched 2 hours of tv every day before the day even started...however he managed a 2.1 degree from Bristol Uni, is gainfully employed, is the most adventurous eater in the family etc etc. Try not to worry too much and do what you have to do to get by.

I would feel the same way. Whether or not mumsnet agrees. If she has been pressured into helping out then sure ok, maybe she needs a break. But if she has volunteered, she shouldn’t have if she can’t whip up a basic meal and go to the park once in a while.

DroopyEyelids · Today 20:30

I would feel the same way. Whether or not mumsnet agrees. If she has been pressured into helping out then sure ok, maybe she needs a break. But if she has volunteered, she shouldn’t have if she can’t whip up a basic meal and go to the park once in a while.

Did she jump or was she pushed?

You are being precious. Four year olds are exhausting. Unless she’s taking him out for an adventure the time will see long. All the questions and endless chatter and lack of focus. She may not want to set up arts and crafts in her home or get in hands and knees to play.

oven meals aren’t The end of the world. Tv time is not terrible in moderation. My kids are adults now and survived both of these just fine. I think if anything trying to stop them completely leads to obsessions later on. We had friends come over to play when ours were little who wanted to sit glued to a computer game or screen the whole time because it was limited so much at home.

It's not 2 days of eating only junk food is it?

I don't think you understand the difference in being your current age and 61.

YABU it’s a few hours a week and his grandmothers care one to one is soo much better than private daycare plus he’ll get nuggets n fishfingers etc there !!!
let it go and be grateful