DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

We don't know that mother-in-law doesn't do those things in addition to television, my mother did. Also she only looks after the child two half days a week.

This is so wholesome. What lovely memories.

Yes it is. It's marvellous!

As you're probably aware most children's programmes are education. When my DGS was tiny he loved Blaze and the monster machines which is heavily physics based. Now he's older, junior school age he loves all sorts of TV he knows about volcanoes, archaeology, weather and wildlife.

If managed correctly screen time isn't necessarily bad. I'd also write off the food and ensure that they eat healthily the rest of the week.

You prep the food and send him over with dinner and healthy snacks.
There hpuse there rules. If they watch TV then they shouldn't be expected ro change this habit.

My DB did the same when his DC were young. He would come to DM house and tell her what to do in her house. No TV turn it off. Not how about you stay home with your kids in your TV free life.
We don't let the kids watch TV but when they visit other homes then we have no say. Parents / in-laws / aunts etc etc. We just ask it is not anything inappropriate for a toddlers/kids. My DM watches her soaps and dramas and cooking shows.

OP you sound insufferable quite frankly.

As my dad says when he’s babysat “there’s a reason you don’t have babies in your 60’s!” Toddlers are hard work, entertaining them for 4 hours can be challenging.

The post doesn’t read that way at all. Good of you to think positively of her though.

Hi! Chronic illness mum of 2yo and 5yo!

I’d ask her to add frozen peas to the oven meal and a banana as a snack. If babysitting time overlaps her meal time ask her to share a bite. When you need to do easy meals get the healthiest stuff in your freezer you can and freeze some stuff as you cook. Ask your mum to freeze some of her specialties too for you to have as emergencies. You can check the brand of nuggets or fries she buys and buy a better brand if you want.

My mum is ill like me so her default grandma supper is jarred pasta sauce. I’m trying to get her to buy the no sugar one I use. If not, I’ll buy her 5-6 jars. She is good about adding a veg and when she’s well she does fish or curries.

My MIL makes home cooked food if she watches the kids, or feeds junk. And never a meal, just carbs and sweets. We try saying it’s okay to give x, but also please give a fruit or veg or something. So after a reminder she’ll slice a banana or cook a chicken drumstick then go back to the same. She will also show the worst trash on youtube. We’re getting her more markers and playdough, but we can’t really convince her. She’s also rarely doing childcare but lives in our basement apartment so sees them lots.

our kids have to deal with compromises due to our health. It is what it is

So basically you’re peeved because you want to feed chicken nuggets etc. yourself so expect your free childcare to do the ‘healthy’ stuff for you. 🤦‍♀️

I have never told my MIL a single thing when she looks after my kids - I don't even know what they do. Sometimes she tells me what they eat. Sometimes they sleep. Zero rules or restrictions from me.

Just grateful she looks after them. At the moment she has my son once a week for the whole day. I would not dream of telling her what to do, unless I caught wind of something unsafe.

Screen times and oven food, I wouldn't even think about bringing that up. So OTT. My son is 2.

He has screen time at home and occasionally oven food as well. It is what it is. He's a clever, healthy boy. 80/20 rule.

I would tell you to look after your own child if you don't like how I do it. she is doing you a favour she isn't a nanny.

This sums it up. OP wants to save the shortcuts for herself and expects others to do the heavy lifting.

Let it go. There are days in your future when chicken nuggets and 30 mins of tv will be a godsend to you. Look at the whole
picture. They sound loved and happy.

If you object pay a shedload for a nanny who
will offer organic delights..but know that chicken nuggets are not going away. They will be at parties and playdates.

Let it go, little ones don't stay small for long. It sounds like they will be eligible for nursery soon, where they will encounter frubes full of sugar and kids with crisps and you will wonder all day if their key worker likes them and remember that they were safe and loved at nannys and...you will miss these times.

If you don't like how a "melter" looks after your precious children in their own time and for free then you should keep them home and look after them yourself.

This. There was a thread the other day about toddlers picking up incorrect grammar and bad ‘accents’ from nursery workers. Lots of replies agreeing how frustrating it is. I thought that was peak mumsnet but this thread is certainly competition 🤣 Mumsnet is amazing.

Rather than making food she just wastes, make those meals and keep them on YOUR freezer, that way if you have a bad day, you can utilise a good meal rather than an oven one

This sounds like having your chicken nuggets and eating them too 😊 Honestly, choose your battles. There’s no evidence that screen time is bad for kids. And child minders/nurseries can be big on quick food. I wouldn’t be batch cooking, freezing and sending alternative fare to MIL’s either, as many have suggested. She’ll be insulted. Can you afford an ongoing schism? Use the valuable time with your DS instead…whether the telly’s on or not. He needs his gran, his mum, his dad. Love. The rest is just complications. If he had food sensitivities then fair enough, explain your terms. Otherwise be glad she’s there to help (do you work for that time, or rest? Either way are you taking her time for granted). Maybe she thinks her GS needs a treat and a more relaxed atmosphere than your ‘received’ opinion about what’s right and wrong re: (free) childcare. Loosen up a bit and enjoy your life.

Yeah, come back in thirty years and tell us that.

Mandaxx25 · Today 18:39
Nobody looks after our kids but myself and my husband so we don't have this problem but I do see exactly what you're saying. Just because she takes him for you doesn't mean you should just have to put up with her going against what you believe in. I don't understand why so many grandparents and aunties/uncles have to be this way. It's respect to do what the parent asks because they're raising their child a certain way and you're just being a pain in the arse about it.
Especially seeing as you have said feed him what you're eating so she's going out of her way to make a separate meal of junk. So if she just did that and gave him the dinner she's made everyone else, you'd be cutting your issue in half immediately and wouldn't have to try to bring balance when you're feeling really unwell. I would never go above a parents wishes no matter how many favours I was doing them. It's just a control thing when people act like this. There's no need for it. The TV thing I would overlook BUT only if he's watching things that are ok to watch. There's so much on TV now that really is not suitable for kids and people argue that it is but my kids wouldn't be watching such shite. She's just being a melter. If I had my nephew to mind I'd do what his mum and dad asked me to do because I love them and care about what they're doing to raise their son right. We won't always agree but I have my own kids and my own ways that are nobodies business. This sort of thing really does my head in.

I had to read this several times to ascertain whether this post is serious. For entitlement, it takes the biscuit. I have never read such bombastic, self-absorbed nonsense. FFS ...send food with the child! Send a bag of books, colouring stuff, or in your case, for your precious prodigies, Grundzüge der Relativitätstheorie in the original German.

Maybe mention the screen time and an alternative that is an education show. I would batch cook food for my child and ask her to warm it up, that way you know they are eating what you would like.

Having looked after our GC all day I can empathise with your MIL. It is absolutely shattering and couldnt wait for them to be picked up! A 20 month old needs supervision at mealtimes so difficult to enjoy a peaceful dinner. Do you sit as a family and eat together? We would eat after our GC went home and had a LARGE glass of wine.No matter how'fit' your MIL is she is no spring chicken. Also why point the finger are her? What about FIL ? As usual MIL can do nothing right but you're happy to make use of free childcare.

OP has made me realise how truly horrific my own diet must be as I'm genuinely perplexed at the idea that there is such a category as oven food, far less that it is a bad for you. 😳

Microwave food and ready meals - aware of that. But stuff that goes in the oven being inherently bad now too?

OVEN FOOOOODDD 😱😱😱

I'm with you OP, if your MIL has offered to look after your DS she could restrict tv to half hour, he is too young to watch too much tv and she could feed him decent food, or are they eating junk food themselves? I would be annoyed too.