DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

You won’t remember a thing few years ahead. Your kid will be just fine and even better with grandparents love. Just chill and look after yourself 🥰

You need to be more grateful

Tbh op I think you are being a little hard on MIL. You say you will do xyz with your grandchildren and make sure they have healthy food etc but and i mean this in the nicest way possible, you have admitted you cant 100% do that with your child due to illness so you may end up doing what she does when the time comes.

I have a disabled daughter and a chronic disability myself so I get the tough days but if hes 80% of the time with u and 20% with her then the good habits he has at home will stick. I think theres an aspect of guilt on your part and there really shouldnt be. All we can do is our best. Let his tv/" junk food" time be a treat at grandmas and if you have to have some easy time at home let it be healthy snacks and educational tv. But dont let this be the hill you die on. X

Kids get "spoilt rotten" at nanny's house, everybody knows that. Didn't you OP?
Maybe MIL wants to watch TV, stuff cooked in the oven? What's wrong with that 2 days out of 7? At least it's not deep fried stuff. It's not like it's every day, all day.
Will you be the same when he's at nursery or school, as long as he's happy, healthy, safe and loved chill out and be glad she's kind enough to care for him, a lot of mothers or MIL wouldn't be tied down twice a week count your blessings is my advice.

No childminder will love him more than nanny does.
As long as he has a varied diet he will be absolutely fine sometimes we need to choose our arguments.
Maybe suggest outings to the park instead of being indoors if there is one not far away I love doing this with my granddaughter .

Did you and your husband never watch tv as a child? Do you not watch it now? If so then fine be super strick about the TV. But really a couple of afternoons a week given the weather is awful is not that bad.
Sounds like you are stressing more then is needed .
Do you have just one child?

Yabu

But if the food bothers you a lot then get your DH to pre prepare healthy meals and stick them in his mums freezer or in a packed lunch when you send your child to them

@Chilliinitiative ask mil to try yakadee, roots & fruits and me too aswell as something special on bbc iPlayer educational and fun

OP- my child has learned a lot from TV, and can be a brilliant tool for education and communication, and there are recent studies that say TV can be advantageous to children. Cut yourself some slack.

Granny time is helping you out. Tv and easy food wouldn't bother me a couple of days a week. Do you always do enriching activities. As the child prob enjoys a bit of downtime watching cbeebies with granny :) Plus you say these things should be saved for when you need the tv help etc..but maybe Granny isn't wanting/able to do stuff all afternoon either.

Its all a balance, this quality time with the Grandparents is such a special time, if you feel really strongly about your child's diet then maybe provide the food?
When I returned to work after our first child, my DM and DF looked after him for a few days,they came to our house. I would leave a menu plan, I had all the food prepared.
I did this to help them, I am the youngest of 6 , had a fabulous childhood, so i trusted their choices whilst he was in their care.
I didn't work when I had our second, I can't remember what food they ate, probably tonnes of oven food, they watched all sorts of TV too.
Our eldest is 25, working full time, second DS is 22, finished a masters at Oxford, 1st class, now studying a PhD at Edinburgh ( no private school here) so try not to stress too much, your child is thriving I’m sure, surround them with love,
It all works out in the end….

Oh for goodness sake get a grip !

I mean I don't think a 1 year old should be having ANY screen time. And seems research consensus agrees no screen time before 2. It serves no purpose, zero long term benefits.
I wouldn't like it if my mil did this, I would bring it up, and put it very blunt.
Hi mil, we dont want DD having any screen time at all. Doctor's orders.
If she the doesn't want to do it, get paid childcare.. although I would have you know my Dss nursery did screen time as well. I had to move him to a forest kindergarten to stop the screen time. It's just too easy to plop them in front of a screen. ( Same goes for you though, I hear you are struggling, but kids will soon learn to do other things than watch tv).
Do think it's a tiny bit hypocritical of you to use it but then not want your mil to use it.
I feel fair enough to ask it of my mother in law as we don't own a tv and do zero screen time!

Nobody looks after our kids but myself and my husband so we don't have this problem but I do see exactly what you're saying. Just because she takes him for you doesn't mean you should just have to put up with her going against what you believe in. I don't understand why so many grandparents and aunties/uncles have to be this way. It's respect to do what the parent asks because they're raising their child a certain way and you're just being a pain in the arse about it.
Especially seeing as you have said feed him what you're eating so she's going out of her way to make a separate meal of junk. So if she just did that and gave him the dinner she's made everyone else, you'd be cutting your issue in half immediately and wouldn't have to try to bring balance when you're feeling really unwell. I would never go above a parents wishes no matter how many favours I was doing them. It's just a control thing when people act like this. There's no need for it. The TV thing I would overlook BUT only if he's watching things that are ok to watch. There's so much on TV now that really is not suitable for kids and people argue that it is but my kids wouldn't be watching such shite. She's just being a melter. If I had my nephew to mind I'd do what his mum and dad asked me to do because I love them and care about what they're doing to raise their son right. We won't always agree but I have my own kids and my own ways that are nobodies business. This sort of thing really does my head in.

You can't hold you MIL to higher standards than you as the mother deliver. If you want him to have healthy food batch cook and freeze when you are well and send some to MIL. A couple of afternoons of TV really isn't going to do any harm. A lot of preschool TV programs are educational anyway.
I think you are probably feeling guilty for not being able to do all you want to when you are unwell and are projecting this on MIL. There is no need to feel guilty. I don't remember adult led activities when I was a child, I did well in education and I am healthy. I think expectations on parenting are way too high these days.

You need to lighten up a bit otherwise school days are going to be a nightmare for you.

I look after my DGC 1 day a week 2.1/2 years old. They did ask me to put the TV on the other day and at the moment they are not interested in the new toys or books that they had for Christmas which is rather a shame, I was looking forward to reading something new! They go to nursery the rest of the week so they are getting plenty of the correct kind of stimulation and interaction.

Sometimes I just have to give in and switch the TV on especially if I am asked very very nicely, which I was last time. Unfortunately they have specific programmes that they seem to want to watch eg Wheels on the Bus and YouTube has many of these. I try to avoid CocoMelon and some of the other American ones.

Hoping now they've been back at nursery for a week we can ditch the TV again or limit the amount of time

I think at 20 months it is hard to be constantly doing something with them, I am sure she will do more with him as he gets older. Tbf I have had a similar discussion re mil and our kids who are older who seem to sit on tablets all day when they are round there in the holidays, they never take them out, even summer hols. We are now taking more time off between us to cover holidays so this is not a big issue any more.
Re the food I am grateful if someone else feeds my kids and I would never comment on what they feed them, it helps me out hugely.

OP I understand what you are saying & concerns re food & TV time. I get it.

But, respectfully I think you are really lucky that your MiL is happy to offer those 2 afternoons. As someone who didnt get any help from my own healthy 60s In Laws who lived locally (or my Mum as she was elderly & ill by the time we had our children), I think you should try to look at the plus points & be grateful. You should also consider your MiL POV. Dont forget you are getting:

1. Free child care thats freely offered.

(I could count on 1 hand the number of times my In Laws ever babysat. And we were told they didnt want to do any after school when I was expecting my first son).

1. Developing the close family relationship & bond between your child & your MiL.

(Be grateful she WANTS to help you & have that relationship. My In Laws didnt - 25 years on I still cant get my head around the concept of 'the wrong grandchildren').

1. MiL

(Yes shes fit but its still tiring with a toddler especially when you are now years away from having small children yourself. At the time as a mum in my 30s I took 2 toddlers in my stride too. Now, my children are grown up it would definitely be an eye opener to have toddlers again.

Nb she doesnt HAVE to help by having your child 2 afternoons a week. She is doing you a favour. Grandparents dont have to compulsory help out and it shouldnt be taken for granted. Its just really lovely to see grandparents who do. Your MiL may not be doing things your way, but she is still helping & taking interest in your child.

And I do really sympathise with your illness OP. I have a chronic degenerative condition myself. Luckily mine has only really taken more serious effect in my 50s. I cant imagine how Id have coped back then if I was like am now. So you have my admiration how you are doing this).

1. Your child

Obviously I dont know your child, but perhaps by the time your MiL has them, your dc might be tired & actually need some down time rather than a schedule of organised activities. I agree about TV etc etc. But that strict perception can often change over time & quite alot when youve had baby number 2 & you are juggling time & attention. Plus once they are older and have play dates & sleep overs you will find what you allow for TV, food & games may be very different from other people do.

1. Individuality

And that brings me to my last point. We all have our own ideas of how to bring children up, what we want to teach them, what rules we have. But at the end of the day that is individual to those particular parents. You need to enforce your rules and values at your home so your dc has the correct grounding there & let you MiL develop her own unique relationship with your child.

Two afternoons a week where food & TV are more lax wont hurt. Look at the plus points and notvthe negatives.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · Yesterday 20:16

BrotherViolence · Yesterday 16:47
She does sound a bit useless (she can't manage to entertain a kid for a few hours and feed them some proper food?) but it's just how a lot of people of that generation parented, in my experience. Especially the things about making separate "kid" and "adult meals". She is doing you a favour, though, so I think you could say that you're trying to limit his screen time and feed him fresh food as much as possible (or even better, your partner can raise this) but you can't necessarily expect her to change.

"How a lot of people of that generation parented" - bloody hell!!!
Talk about a fucking generalisation!!!!
And she doesn't "sound a bit useless" either!! How sanctimonious!

THIS!!

Unbelievable!!

How DARE you call an older woman who is doing you such a favour "useless"!! And "how that generation parented"!

Oh, but then, after staying with my DD and family abroad, taking the DGC out for a long walk to the playground, and for icecream, DGD couldnt wait to get home to mother to announce, joyfully, that "Granny took us to the pub!"

Oh dear dear, the way we oldies parent...

This is brilliant! So mumsnet

OP - I stuck my baby in front of CBeebies and Ms Rachel as a newborn. She learnt to talk at 7 months and could count to 10 at a year (despite me never ever counting with her).

I entirely credit the TV for her learning, she couldn't have got it from anywhere else. I even started to try phonics with her recently (she's 2 now) and she'd learnt every letter sound already, I presume from Alpha blocks.

My siblings were also stuck in front of CBeebies all day as kids and both went to Oxbridge.

Kids TV is often pretty educational, I really wouldn't worry about it.

I recall spending a great deal of time with my grandmother. We did and made all kinds of amazing things.
i realised when i was a parent she was simply including me in her day to day tasks, sewing, weeding, cooking even laundry! I had the best life when i was with her, learned many things and always wanted to return.
Your MIL is missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime!

I get it’s frustrating when dgp’s don’t listen to your wishes when looking after our kids. When mine were little we had instances of them giving them dummies even though we’d decided not to, cutting my son’s hair (first hair cut done by fil with a set of kitchen scissors!) and being given far far too many sweets and biscuits despite our constant requests not to.

It was frustrating at the time for sure and my poor dh had to listen to my moaning on about it but in hindsight now the kids are teens no damage was done. Neither of them had a dummy, my sons hair grew back and we laughed about it afterwards and despite free reign with the biscuits and sweets neither kid ended up obese!

Both my in laws died at 61 cutting short the time my kids had with them, cut your mil some slack and let her enjoy the time she has with your little one. Batch cook healthy meals for when you’re not well so your son doesn’t have to eat oven food at home.
Showing an increased interest in watching tv and a fondness for chicken dippers is pretty normal at 2.

YABU.

You have a MIL that looks after your son twice a week.

God, my parents look after mine and let them eat ridiculous things for breakfast and chocolate for snacks. They have the tv on in the background all day and naps are in the car because they cannot get their heads around staying in between 11-2 to get some downtime for nap time. It's not ideal but I don't really mind because it's only twice a week and they're having the best time ever and not missing me while I'm at work 😂.