DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

Im a single parent and also chronically ill. On my bad days my children had the usual freezer food and lots of screen time. On good days I’d do my best to do things differently, there was a lot of freezer beige food and screens however they are now both at sixth form college. Capable of cooking and preparing all kinds of meals so it didn’t harm them.
I also remember my childhood of being loved and slightly spoilt by my grandma, be happy you have the help and support and try and relax about it a bit,

I'm not of the opinion that grandparents looking after their own grandchildren are doing some supermassive favour, or even that their own children are supposed to be massively grateful for it (different culture, it's normal where I'm from, all grandparents do it).

However, you don't get to pick and choose. It's simple: you either accept their help, or you don't. Sure, you can make suggestions, but they're not obliged to accommodate it. If you deem their care unsuitable in any way - you take care of your child yourself.

The truth is, toddlers are massively boring, kids are much more interesting to spend time with once they're older. So I'd definitely stick one in front of the tv. There's a limited amount of mind-numbing 'play' I'd be prepared to tolerate.

As for food, I never in my life routinely ate shit like chicken nuggets or chips (or fed it to my kid). Because it tastes like absolute cardboardy crap and is nutritionally useless. But many other people do and it's their choice. Again, you can't demand anything from her.

As for 'she's fitter than me, is retired and has lots of time' - now that's entitled. It's not her fault you're disabled, she worked her share (if she's retired), raised her kids and doesn't owe you anything. If I'd say such to my mother, she'd tear me a new one, would tell me to shove my kid and don't show up again (and I wouldn't blame her, tbh).

@Chilliinitiative again sorry for your chronic illness. Are you able to share what it is, as we may be able to come with more constructive help.

On your MIL, I think you do have to take onboard the advice on here given by most. The relationship between her and your DC and you and her is massively more important than food and a bit of TV.

Honestly, I do think we worry too much about food nowadays. As long as varied and with veg (and fruit) across the week it's honestly nothing to worry about one bit. Worrying and feeling anxious is far more harmful, and kids do pick up on these things and can end up with food issues.

IME not allowing things is going to make dc see it else where and find ways of getting it in a sneaky way- I do not allow video games for example- my ds sneaks to his friends to play, my sister also did not allow her dc any chocolate and her 5 year old was caught stealing it out of other kids bags in school 😆
a little bit won’t hurt and the majority of the week your ds is getting home made food and plenty of activities- I’d let this one go

PFB is misogynistic, I’ve heard it all now 😆🤣😂

Kids ask for stuff they like, often repeatedly, and especially if you sometimes “give in”. My six year old asked for ice cream for breakfast this morning. You just say no!

It really isn't even gender specific as lots of Dads or even Grandparents of either gender can be PFB.
One of my 1st babies Grandparents was very very full on with giving me "advice" and generally stressing me out telling me what to do all the time, by baby 2 I barely heard a peep out of them!!

"the truth is, toddlers are massively boring" isn't the truth. It is your opinion. Thankfully many people in society don't feel that way or we wouldn't have childminders and nannies who go out of their way for working families. I absolutely love the wonder of toddlers. Literally teaching them everything and watching them see and try to make sense of all new experiences. It isn't correct to suggest that all parents find parenting toddlers boring.

YABVU

Then pay for childcare. Easy as

Prepare and bring your son food to your Mil if you are not happy with what she is giving your son. It will solve one of your proble.

Oh FFS! Kids getting to do/have things at their grandparents house that they don’t get with their parents is as old as time. So long as the child isn’t watching something unsuitable and isn’t eating UPF when in your care, there really isn’t a problem.

4-hours twice a week is a fair bit of your MILs time that you are taking up. If you feel strongly about disliking her style of care, pay for child care and free up her time 🙄

😂

you want the shortcuts to be for you to make your life easier but your mil… who watches your child for free shouldn’t have it easy.

if you don’t like it, pay a nursery to watch him.

I’m mother of a one year old and my mam watched my little one, feeds him pureed food and lets him sleep late on in the day. I suck it up, because I also need her help

Easy oven food is easy to cook and palatable for kids - so I can understand why she does it. Its also widely used by childminders and kids clubs in UK for same reasons. Even if you stopped Gran providing care for this reason and used childcare the outcome would be the same, except with a load of other kids instead of a quiet homely home. Same with the TV - lots of childcare uses this also.

I understand you want the best for your young child. But be realistic. Its a bit off to expect 'the best' in home cooking and childrens entertainment from an older grandmother providing free childcare. Dont rock the boat. Accept that thats how it is a grans. You arent really entitled to expect her to change they way she provides the care as long as your child is cared for - which they are.

However you can change the way you do things - There are lots of solutions to decrease the amount of UPFs your child eats - batch cook home cooked foods when you are able to and freeze them for when needed. This is a better way to manage the situation.

My son wasn’t brought up on freezer food but as soon as he started childcare, he was refusing the food to begin with, but then he got use to it and you can’t really tell them what to feed the kids. It’s bound to happen at some point and you don’t really have a choice unless you choose to look after them yourself and not work. Even School Dinners are the same.

As for it only being 4 hours, either pack a lunch yourself, put up with it or pay someone else who will only do the same.

As for tv, for 4 hours you would think they would spend that time without the tv.

Yes I’m afraid to say I do think you’re being unreasonable. Our 3.5 yr old was at the childminder from the age of 6 months and was basically weaned on oven food and was watching American crap on TV with the other older kids which we were seriously concerned would rot her brain. Fast forward to today and she’s bright, active, healthy, eats a varied diet, can take it or leave TV and had the time of her life with the other kids at the childminder.

what I’m saying, is, I would have given my right arm for her to have the love of a grandparent especially a young one like you have to look after her but ultimately they do turn out ok and what you’re describing won’t do any long-lasting damage although it doesn’t feel like that at the time!

agree with others’ suggestions to bulk freeze and give it to your MIL if it’s such a concern. However problem will be if DS is now used to oven food that’s all he’s going to want when he’s with her :/

2 afternoons a week isn’t going to hurt your child Nor are chicken nuggets and chips. I think you’re being a bit over the top to be honest. Whilst with nanny then u should accept she will do things her way I have 10 grandchildren and feed them McDonald’s or KFC as a treat when with me. It’s not hurt them lol. You need to relax or reduce ur work hours so she doesn’t have to have ur son. Good childcare is hard to come by, especially being free

I struggle with the same as my little boy has too much tv/chocolate when at my Mums but she looks after him one full day a week for free so I let it slide as I’m grateful it’s one less nursery day to pay for. I do always send him with a healthy lunch and homemade dinner to balance it out and know she doesn’t let him watch any programs I have asked her not to (peppa for example) . Just have to pick your battles sometimes and if your child is safe and looked after it’s not worth risking that!

Don't like ... send him to nursery!

It’s hard work looking after a toddler when you’re a granny!
I’m only 54 and a child care practitioner and after having my grandson for hours we sometimes end up watching telly and eating chicken nuggets! It will have absolutely no bearing on the rest of his life apart from having happy memories spent with his grandparents! Don’t start dictating on these small issues or you might end up with a bigger one!

There are plenty of kids who have sensory issues, are neurodiverse or are just fussy and only eat beige food. It should be easy enough to give your little one a variety of fruit and chopped up cucumber etc. A daily multivitamin as well. I understand your frustration. Our in-laws have the kids 2 afternoons and they are given multiple treats. It was especially frustrating when they were babies/toddlers because they weren't even asking for sugar. 🙈 However we are so so lucky to have them. Kids are really hard work & we will take and appreciate any help we can get. My kids love TV but they also have plenty of times to play, craft, read and get out and about. With the first child you worry about everything. The second you'll be throwing them a McDonald's and an iPad before they can walk. 😂

But with screens from very young ages, the onset of MD will potentially be much earlier.

he doesn’t spend that much time with her I would let it go grandparents love to see the happiness and excitement from their grandkids and they love to give treats and allow things that are not allowed at home that’s what makes them grow up loving their grandparents not strict don’t do this and eat that all the time I would let it go .

Just as well my mother didn't have screens from very young age...

Pay for a babysitter if you want total control.

And if you do use MIL as a free childminder, send food with the child.