DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

YABU if you are expecting her to cook for him twice a week. Why aren't you sending "approved" food with him that she can heat up just as easily as nuggets? Yes, she may well cook something for herself and her husband, but she probably doesn't want to eat when a toddler eats and doesn't want to cook twice in a day.

Also, why not send him with jigsaws or craft kits or a train track or whatever you want him to play with that day? Or pay for swimming classes or softplay sessions if you want him out of the house. The weather has been dreadful - the whole world watches too much tv in the winter.

I think you are asking a lot without providing and solutions.

If this is your concern why don’t you just keep a couple of healthy meals in the fridge or freezer which you can just reheat on the days when you have a ‘tricky day’? This seems like such a simple solution.

I had my granddaughter two days a week for ten hours a day from age 1, then twin boys as well two years later. They are now 16 and 14 and have turned out to be delightful kids, but it was exhausting as I was in my early sixties then. She was quite happy I took a few "shortcuts" although we spent a lot of quality time too, doing crafts, cooking and visiting NT places and local parks, etc. My daughter was very grateful and a big believer in "Grandmas's house/Grandma's rules" The whole family moved in with us seven years ago and we still take them to NT places, New Forest, etc. We have such fun, even though I have osteoporosis and a heart condition. I am a firm believer that they keep me young.

I totally get where you’re coming from. I was upset when I realised school would be giving my kids chips, beans, pizza, and chicken nuggets as they were go-to cheat meals when I was struggling. I never give them beans now as I want them to have a much more varied diet overall.
I’ve come to terms that I can’t control what others feed them when it’s free…

'as the Mum, I obviously look after my son every day, all week, every week etc. The hours I spend with my son far exceed the hours he spends with his DGM.'

however he also goes to Nursery for ? hours a week ?

as you say:

' I do pay for childcare most of the week. Obviously MIL is saving us money by having him and I do appreciate that. I could pay more and put him in nursery full time.'

Its sad to see that so many people think its ok. I am with you, OP.

Totally unreasonable.
Some childminders would do similar to this.

What? That a retired granny offering two afternoons of free childcare a week should be held to the same standard as an Ofted'd fee paying provision?

Hi I just wanted to say I live with chronic illness and I see you. I am much better nowadays (still disabled but a lesser degree) than I used to be but your post took me back to a few years ago when my health was much more limiting.

Whilst I worked very hard on gratitude and I am so thankful to be alive etc, it was simply very hard in ways I wouldn’t have imagined before I got ill. It is incredibly hard to parent every single day in ill health and truly affected so many aspects of our family life, there was no leeway, every day, every week was a juggle to such a high degree, pressures on finance and time and partners / relationships. There were so things i could not do as a mother and it can feel very hard as a parent not to be able to parent in the way you want to. I can hear in your post that desire for someone to help alleviate the situation, your strains, the pressure your family in under, in a way that supports you as parents in your values and desires. I wish you all the best and hope things get easier as your child grows older. My experience has been it has improved in time. I’ll try and think if I have any tips and if I do I’ll message them. I just wanted to say from my experiences I don’t feel you are being unreasonable.

Back when I was in that situation I’d have appreciated others to pick up things in ways I wanted and give me some slack for my bad days. I had to lower my parenting expectations a lot, and that included screen time, food (my son actually refused to eat certain freezer food for years once I was in improved health as he had been fed it so much by others when I was sick).

My children seem ok and part of my healing has been a lot of work on how guilty I feel, but it was the situation that caused the problem, not me (not sure if that makes sense) basically had to be compassionate with myself and others and let things go. I see your perspective and wish you had someone outside your immediate family who was fully supporting you in your desired way, but I can see that isn’t a widely held /reasonable expectation or view from the voting score (I haven’t read the full thread).
My DM ‘got it’ and cooked the children home cooked meals, portioned it out to be heated up and dropped them off every week so they would at least get a couple of nights of home cooking, but that’s because she also shared my value of that type of food for my children. (It was the pandemic so she couldn’t help in other ways) My in laws didn’t get it at all really, what we faced or how to help and we had to drop any expectations of them around grandparenting.

All TV is not created equal. CBeebies generally is good. Have you found kidstv123 on YouTube? My son started school knowing all his letter sounds because of the amount of it he watched while his two parents struggled to juggle everything. And the sound of the music is pleasant to adult ears, not grating like so many other channels. It's gentle, slow-moving images you want. Definitely cut yourself some slack. I would send food with him. Why not tell a white lie and say the health visitor advised the lunchboxes.

There’s an online brand of freezer food in portions called Stocked, comes in bars so 1 bar would be toddler meal, several would be an adult. My children didn’t like the particular ones I tried but it may be worth a go. Like batch cooking but without doing it yourself.

Just to add to my earlier post, I had very strong views about what I wanted my daughter to eat, drink, play with, and watch when she was very young. I went back to work on a very part time and short term basis so I didn't have to repay my maternity pay and my mum looked after her for two days a week. my mum had done ok bringing me and my brother up, and I trusted her implicitly. I took the view that if she was kind enough to look after my daughter, it was none of my business what she did with her or fed her during those two day. She loved looking after my daughter, and if she hadn't have been prepared to have her then I wouldn't have gone back to work, so she saved me a fortune.

This isn't at all a dig at you as a working mum - I'm one too - but you're not with him 'every day, all week' - you said you pay for childcare for most of the week and then obviously he has this time with MIL. I think if you actually were with him all day every day you'd have already found you'd have relaxed some of your self-imposed rules.

Kids aren't harmed from TV and chicken nuggets.
He's fed, warm, loved and a lot of kids TV is educational, a lot different from ipad games

It's much sadder that anyone thinks the OP is being reasonable.

If you think it's sad to value family relationships over the odd chicken nugget I'm ok with you being sad.

I mean obviously YABU and your child will be fine as countless kids are with an hour or so of TV and the odd fish finger. It would be a shame to put him in extra childcare when grandparent relationships are so important.

Practical solutions to actually make her life easier: Does he have toys there? Can you spend 20 quid on toys at a charity shop so he has a big bucket of toys there that are a novelty? Is she happy taking him out? Could you pay for soft play or another activity for them to do? 20 months is a hard age to look after as they are not that independent. With my parents who do a day of childcare for me I always pay for them to do something and get lunch out but they do put the TV on after as they are understandably knackered!

You literally have no idea how you will feel or want you will want to do when you become a grandparent. I guarantee you.

I see what you mean. But I can also emphasise with MIl on this. If she has him for two afternoons, she'd probably like to spend all of that time with him rather than standing over a hob cooking a variety of food for him. I would say if you want fresh food, you'd need to provide it. My MIL looks after my chn and we pay for this, and still will not cook any meals. We get up early and cook so that food we want is readily available. In fairness my 2 year old is a LOT so cooking whilst he's there is very difficult. We usually cook Bolognese, or curry, chilli etc something that MIL just has to warm the accompaniment ( we put it in the pan ready).
I think you need to be explicit in your requests: and it would be fair to have one rule for all, so either no oven food or only cook oven food once, or provide meals. I understand chronic illness, but it also feels unfair to say do as I say it as I do. I think with the TV specify an amount of maximum time and provide other things he likes to do. I think specifying what programmes he can and can't watch may be a little much.
It's hard having family help there's lots of nuances to manage (it's also hard in childcare to balance too!) I hope you manage to find your feet with this xxx

Thank you very much for all the posts. Lots of differing opinions and advice I’m taking in board. @Sofflespop in particular, thank you so much. It’s made me cry to be so well understood. Thank you for being so kind. I’m so glad your health is better now than it used to be.

that sounds pretty snobby, to be honest.

Honestly I think your mindset is a bit ‘precious first baby’ plus only having experience of parenting one very young child. Believe me when they are older nobody can tell (or cares one little bit) which teenager only ate 100% homemade organic food and had zero screen time and just did enriching Montessori activities and which one had a few oven cooked meals a week and a bit of cbeebies. It honestly is not going to make the slightest bit of difference and there are no medals.

Yes, of course you're being unreasonable (as you have admitted), so unreasonable that it's hard to take your posts seriously. I understand you have a chronic illness, which must make everyday life particularly difficult. However, it takes a great degree of entitlement to expect your MIL not to do what you yourself have admitted to doing. That is the very definition of "do as I say, not as I do." It's ridiculous to say that you have higher standards than your MIL. 🙄 And on top of that, you actually resent your MIL when she is caring for your child twice a week, asking nothing in return. It's absurd for you to say that you will definitely look after any future grandchildren, as that is something you can't possibly know. When you're in your 60s, you may find you feel quite differently.

In an ideal world, screen time should be strictly limited for all children and they should all have a highly nutritious diet. In reality, as you know, shortcuts sometimes happen. The most important thing is that your MIL and your child are developing a strong emotional bond. That will be important for him throughout his life, far more significant than watching TV a couple of afternoons a week and eating a few chicken nuggets as a toddler.