DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

Probably for the best that you don't leave your kids with their grandparents then.

You called me a fucking bitch. Tell me that isn't misogynistic

Well I at that age group and I am here to tell you that this is complete nonsense.

Using it against yourself is up to you, but don’t insult other women with it. It’s only ever directed at women who are new mums, and it’s used to patronise and undermine them as mums.

No I didn’t…

It's incredibly accurate though....!!!

It literally means precious first born so of course its only said about new mums, it wouldnt make sense otherwise would it?! But I've only ever known it said in a kind hearted way and never known anyone to be offended by it. If you are, il take that on board. But please don't insult me by saying you weren't implying fucking bitch because if you weren't what were you implying?

Mate, relax.

Chuck the TV in if it makes things a bit easier.

It just doesn't matter in the long run. As long as the oven food and TV are in the mix with other stuff then it will be OK.

If he is safe and loved with his grandparents then leave that alone as well. It will be OK.

I was like you 20 years ago, then I relaxed. He is now at uni, kids a genius, and plays a stupid amount of sport even though he ate oven food and watched TV.

Chill out. It will all be OK.

If you're going to insult me at least type it properly and own it instead of acting like a child and pretending that's not what you meant.

I don't think that it's okay for you to make your life easier sometimes by giving "oven food" and not allow her to do the same. I think you need to leave off her and either pay for childcare or give them food you've made for hem to warm up.

It’s never ever said in a kind hearted way. It’s said as an insult.

The vegetative state we get when watching stuff on telly or instant fixes of clickbait act like drugs on the brain with shots of delicious dopamine hits. This is why toddlers and teens go bizirk when suddenly denied the screen and they go cold turkey. This is why it's so easy to binge watch entire series of stuff as adults. We don't yet know the long term impact of all the babies on the bus watching rubbish on their mum's phone or kids gaming as a daily passtime. It's not snobbery. I look at all the California techie parents who draw red lines for their kids to avoid phones and screens; whilst getting us hooked to our screens!

Exactly.

OP you’re being utterly ridiculous.

Especially this bit - “These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling”. Can you actually hear yourself?

It's not only directed at "new mums" - it'd directed at mums of 1 who are spectacularly uptight in their views about rearing that child.

Most get it firmly squashed when faced with the rearing of a second child!

I don't know why you'd get your knickers in a twist over that!

We all start out with lofty expectations and the "my child never will....." shit and then reality bites!

2 afternoons a week with a bit of telly and some chicken nuggets is absolutely fine in my opinion. This wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

You're getting free childcare and seem so ungrateful. Batch cook some food. What's hard about that?

I beg to differ. To me it encapsulates the anxiety of being a first time Mum and that second time around we tend to be a little bit more chilled out, and to cut ourselves some slack. So in a roundabout way it's encouraging women to basically cut themselves some slack and to try not worry as much. That's what it means to me. I'm sorry if your experience of it is totally different. That's a shame.

It's what you meant though isn't it?

(though I thought you meant fuck buddy 😂)

It genuinely doesn't matter. Really.

What's funny to me is, as a child raised on deep-fat fried and microwaved foods, oven food was the more time consuming and healthier option. 😅

That is a reach and you know it. But whatever makes you feel better after being called out for patronising a concerned mum.

Oky doky

OP if it makes you feel any better my 2 year old called me Mummy Pig today. Parenting fail.

Personally I wouldn't look on 4 hours a week spent with grandparents as childcare really. I would consider it quality time with grandparents. And they have their own home and culture there, any of us lucky enough to have had time with our grandparents know that their homes were always different to ours. I don't think your little boy picking up on TV shows is bad per se, and I think you really do have to allow his grandmother to establish her own relationship with him and do things her way when she has him. I would leave her to it, it is very limited in time, only 4 hours, and he's full of it and talking about it because he's having a lovely time with her. So I'd be grateful for that and just let go.

You are obviously trying really hard to do all the right things. Part of doing the right thing is giving everyone, including yourself, a bit of grace.

The developmental benefit of a 3rd carer in his life for 8 hours a week vastly outweighs the chicken nuggets. Having a someone who loves your child that much, makes them feel safe and cherished if you can't be there is priceless.

Meanwhile, the fact that she forgets the home made food sounds like she is not happy being told how to babysit. I'd leave it alone.

The constant interest in tv, the narrowing in tastes, these are part of coming up to 2 years old, welcome!

It will blow your mind, but all the advice is based on averages and statistics.

I have 2 boys. My eldest watched HOURS of TV. Hours. He is also very bright, sociable, and at 19 is in his final year of uni, has a job, a girlfriend, and next year is starting his masters.

My youngest wasn't interested in TV for a long time, probably not until he was 4 or 5.

The pc and ipad are now his only real connection to the outside world. He is autistic, probably has the highest iq of anyone I've ever known (and I work with physicists and doctors), and I'm grateful every day that he can learn and have a life, if 2nd hand, through the screen.

There is only one thing you're doing wrong that you absolutely have to stop now. Do NOT push yourself when it's clearly not sensible. If you have a chronic condition, it will get worse, if gradually. You have to pace yourself, let go of perfect, and give yourself and the others a big clap on the back for the amazing team you are.

I was very ill when my eldest was small, I'm not as unwell now, but I also have a chronic condition that, in my 50s, is starting to impact me daily. You need to start making peace with the idea that you probably won't be that perfect active granny, but you can be that loved and wanted granny.

Uncrease your forehead, drop your shoulders, breathe. You have what you need to make this a very happy family.