DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

Just reading the responses and wow - never realised so many people would be ok with this!

My PIL are older and we would not consider leaving our toddler with them - but when we visit, I expect the toddler to continue to have a varied diet, and TV only when other kids are watching TV (we do not tend to have screens at home). If this was possible, I would love to be able to leave the toddler with PILs for a few hours, but would not be doing so if he is fed UPF and allowed screentime. Going for a walk or making some scrambled eggs and veg is minimal time and effort and yes, I would expect this of a grandparent.

Cbeebies is amazing so wholesome!
Yes agree some of the stuff on YouTube is like crack too stimulating / dopamine inducing and also too many adverts x

My mother had acute macular degeneration, early onset. She would be 80 now.

I guess she didn't get that from screens then...

How many small children do you get "watching a play"???

I stand by it, I'm sorry! Obviously it's not everyone by a long shot but when I was growing up most parents fed us kids processed food for tea, as a separate meal from the adults, and loads of juice and snacks all day. This was basically all my aunties and uncles and my friends' parents, as well as my own. Their Millennial/Gen Z kids have then had kids and are comparatively, generally, super uptight about nutrition and kids eating "grown up food", and it's a bit of an adjustment as the norms have shifted a lot. My mum always says that there just wasn't the emphasis on nutrition back then that there is now, at least not in her experience. We ate veg, sure, but the awareness of stuff like UPFs being bad wasn't there at all.

I don't think lots of TV and junky food is great when you only have a kid for two afternoons a week, I don't think that's particularly sanctimonious. However it is very kind too offer free childcare, and I do agree that's the most important thing. And 20 month olds for sure aren't always easy. I do think we current generation of newer parents can be too uptight about stuff like this, myself included, so meeting in the middle seems fair. But I don't think that means abandoning all standards either. Kids that age really shouldn't be watching screens at all, so the implied hours at a time here seems excessive.

It's really tricky and surrounded by politics when family are doing childcare. I get where you're coming from though but your MIL is going to take all the shortcuts, so you can only look to mitigate it if you feel guilty. Not ideal, it would be lovely if your MIL pulled all the stops out, but she isn't going to do that.

There's certainly educational TV shows that are worth looking at (numberblocks is very good) and would it be possible to make some homemade nuggets/fish fingers and freezing for when you're unwell? Hopefully you can then still use the TV and oven dinners but with no guilt.

I would also add that when you have one child, you have lots more time to think about providing the perfect nurturing environment, by the time I had my second, I was just trying to get to the end of the day! It all becomes a bit relative based on evolving circumstances.

I’m not your mate.
And I was just joking! Makes it all ok doesn’t it?

And calling me a fucking bitch is ok?
You might have starred it out but it's crystal clear what you meant.

I'm with you. Under 3s should not be having tv and there is no need to feed them junk! Can you use a childminder instead? Or get your husband to speak to her ?

The answer is to cook some food for your freezer on good days or ask your DH to cook a little more so you can defrost on your bad days. That way your DC only gets freezer food on days with MIL. Perhaps they don’t want to eat as early as your DC hence they don’t give him same as what they eat. Given they are doing you a favour and have tried speaking to them and no change, I don’t think there’s anything you can do.

Have you told her what to show him on youtube? My 2yr old nephew likes youtube and I definitely did not find what he was watching was better than Cbeebies. My kids both watched a bit too much TV, when I was home from work and needed to cook dinner, weekends when cleaning. Both are Oxbridge applicants now, I personally wouldn’t worry, let him enjoy the time with his grandparents, building a good relationship with them (including you both having a good relationship with them too) is more important than worrying about a few hours TV and chicken nuggets.

You clearly weren't joking.
But whatever.

Pay for the childcare then. Stop being given an inch and taking a mile,

Oh Lord! Home made fish fingers 😁
I remember doing this with my first, by the third child I was spooning in the chocolate pudding!
They also loved TV but fear not, it hasn't stopped them from all getting masters degrees.

Honestly OP, you are being ridiculous. Kids need downtime and a birds eye fish finger is probably nutritionally identical to a home made one.

As long as he's happy at Grannies house, I'd be happy.

What's "obnoxious" about a statement of fact?

We don't need to know the OP's condition. She's said that some days are tricky. Why not just take that on face value?

She has chosen to be a parent so presumably feels she can cope with it. It's not on her MIL to deal with it!!

The TV and beige food really aren't doing him any harm. You have to look at the bigger picture. Even when you have off days, he is still having healthier food the majority of the time. His grandmother treating him like this is not preventing you from doing it. You just have mummy guilt because you're part of the generation where anything that is not "natural" is neglect.

And I was the worst "PFB" in the history of "PFB"s hence why i was trying to make light of it. No idea why it's touched a nerve with you! I wasn't being mean to the OP

I don’t think I did?
And besides, you said it’s alright to be rude/ insulting if you say you’re joking, right?

This
You're getting free childcare and he's getting time with his granny. This isn't a hill to die on. As others have said, send food with him if you're fussy about what he has

As a 45 year old that would struggle with your aged child now that I’m used to older children, I’d say a ‘fit 61 year old’ would definitely find it difficult to keep up with that age group!!!

Well you didn't say you were joking at the time did you? Can you tell me why you find the term PFB so offensive?

PFB is the ultimate dismissive, patronising and misogynist comment that Mumsnetters use when they deem themselves to be oh-so-experienced and try to talk down to new mums, to put them in their place.

So would that mean a parent can't watch TV while breastfeeding for example. ? And TBH most toddlers I I know don't sit and watch TV for very long at all. Don't generally have a long attention span

YABU. Don't let a few chicken nuggets & tv come between your DC & grandparent. Honestly you've got a long road ahead...

@Wavescrashingonthebeach I don’t think it’s me that’s had a nerve touched judging by your reaction to a suggestion that you were patronising.

In YOUR OPINION.
How on earth is it misogynistic?
I've used it about myself loads in a good humoured kind of way.
I went through hell with my first and it was my way of making light of it.

This 100%
Rather someone liberal with love and laughter than a food Nazi.