DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

@Chilliinitiative , I think you need to cut yourself and your MIL a bit of slack. A bit of TV combined with other activities and a stimulating life won’t hurt. my 2 and 5 year old probably have watched way too much. However, I feel because they were allowed it, they are now not really bothered with it. They would rather draw and play with other toys.

In terms of the food, it’s two afternoons a week and grandparents are notorious for wanting to treat their grandkids and that’s lovely. My MIL takes my DD out about once a month and it’s all chips and ice cream (and they have a lovely time!).

This is why free family led childcare only works if you have a good and trusting relationship. I have not yet let my in laws look after my child as I know they would not look after them in the way I would like and It would be difficult to say anything if they are helping me out. My own parents look after them regularly but listen to any requests I have (not really any tbh!) and check with me about things like TV time, treat foods etc therefore I know I can have an open and honest conversation about how I'd prefer my child is cared for. I think you either have to send your child with food you want them to have and just suck it up re screen time or find alternative childcare arrangements if you're not happy.

Do you have a link for the Royal College stuff please? I have googled but can't find much? I am interested in this topic as my kids definitely get lots of screen time!

It's not a competition between you and your MIL! Give the woman a break - she is doing you a huge favour!

You have to find a way that works for you and that may mean relaxing the rigidity of your attitude to accommodate your disability.

PFB

You won't be saying all this if you have a second one 😂

Joking aside, yes telly and junk food isn't ideal but it's only for a brief period. I wouldn't worry too much

Take a meal over for your child when he’s going to grandmas and a box of activities. Or pay for childcare.

@Chilliinitiative look for Little Dish, Annabel Karmal or Cook frozen meals (those are more expensive but fresh and handmade, then frozen - I buy myself for when I'm struggling with mental health and haven't managed to batch cook - the regular portions, not the kid's!).

Whenever anyone bleats “PFB” I always think patronising f…. b….

It's on all day in our house but I monitor the content. No developmental delays or behaviour issues in my two. Please please cut yourself some slack.
I understand life can be really hard- I've been really ill myself and trying to look after kids is exhausting at the best of times never mind when dealing with pain or fatigue! X

Sorry mate it was a joke chill out.
I think the phrase you implied was alot nastier!
Edit: and i literally explicity stated it was a joke so no room for misunderstanding.

I was just about to say the same thing. Also, until you get there yourself OP, you have no idea how tiring a little one can be at that age. I often used to look after my grandchildren when I was in my mid 40's, and while I did take them out to the park or for a walk or whatever, I still had to put them in front of the TV some times. The older you get, the more tiring young children are I'm afraid. You sound very ungrateful too!

I think the OP would be massively biting off her nose to spite her face!!

OP not RTFT but I mean this kindly.

When DD1 was 18-20 months old, I was heavily pg with DD2. I teach P/T so after working and DD1 being at nursery, I was pretty much done in. Every afternoon we used to watch Countdown together with a drink (and probably a biscuit). One week my DF was staying and watched with us as we had our cuppa/milk and biscuit. DF said "DD1 knows her letters". I was like "what? she's only a baby". DF said "she does, honestly". DD1 was shouting the 1st letter of her name at the TV - like J for Jane (except that's not her name). She knew lots of the letters and all the single digit numbers. She also adored Carol Vorderman.

DD1 is now 25. She's on the home straight of a PhD at Cambridge in a STEM subject. It didn't matter much what she watched - she absorbed everything like a sponge. She went through months of eating pasta and cheese with veg sneaked in, yet she's now running serious distances and is a vegan. What toddlers do and eat doesn't define them or you.

Your DC is spending time with GP. It really doesn't matter what they watch as long as it's not rude or inappropriate. My kids loved Dora the bloody Explorer and knew more Spanish than I did from watching it. Does it bother me? No, It doesn't matter that they are eating nuggets and chips one day per week. At least they are being fed.

I know it's not what you planned, but in the great scheme of things, it's not a big deal. Pick your battles, and this isn't one of them.

Id bloody love to have free childcare provided by a loving granny 2 days a week.

You don't know how lucky you are.

“MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.”

im sorry who chose to have this kid? You or your MIL? Your MIL is using up her retirement to look after the kid YOU chose to birth, not her.

honest to god the entitlement!! I would tell you to ram your childcare where the sun doesn’t shine…

Agree with this. Seems a sensible way forward.

Someone asked for the screen time recommendations earlier in this thread:

The WHO recommends NO screen time for under 2s and no more than one hour of screen time a day for those aged 2 to 4.

They also recommend not having the TV on in the background. The recommendations have varied over the years (eg when my oldest was a toddler, I think it said no screens under 3yrs) but they’ve remained largely the same with a few tweaks.

Agree with the consensus, YABVU. Either move to a different childcare arrangement (that you most for) or send healthy meals (how about the little dish ready meals or something like that for a healthier cheat day) but do not complain, she is doing nothing wrong.

"How a lot of people of that generation parented" - bloody hell!!!

Talk about a fucking generalisation!!!!

And she doesn't "sound a bit useless" either!! How sanctimonious!

I wish I'd had an arrangement like yours OP. The only help we had from my mum, was one afternoon a week for a very temporary period, and I had to pay her! And she begrudged doing that!!!

However, I do appreciate how hard it must be for you to combine parenting with work and a chronic illness. I suppose you have to decide what's more important to you, adherance to your principles or maintaining the current status quo?

I agree - it's not "complex or nuanced" AT ALL!

Whilst I don’t think there’s anything you can do OP apart from suck it up as she’s close family and providing free childcare I completely get it. My MIL is the same, she doesn’t engage with the kids at all when she has them twice a week after school and just feeds them crap even though she cooks a homecooked meal at home everyday. I just don’t get it tbh, why offer and say you want to look after grandkids if you clearly can’t cba to actually do it. So I completely get your frustrations

I would 100% rather CBeebies than YouTube. It is much easier to control content on player than it is once they realise how much absolute shite there is on kids YouTube.

I’m in the mindset of let it go as well. The afternoon slot is often pretty hard going with a toddler. Half an hour of tv isn’t necessarily a bad thing to unwind. If he’s in nursery do you even need to worry about dinners the other evenings? That was one of the main perks of nursery for mine- they came back fed and ready for bath and bed.

I think as you say these posts ultimately all come back to the same point, if the child care is free then you do not necessarily have a lot of control over what goes on. It sounds really tricky for you to not always be able to parent in the way you want in terms of screen time and food quality but I actually don’t think it’s reasonable to expect your MIL to compensate for this during her time with your child. I don’t mean this to sound uncaring but I just don’t think you can say ‘please don’t give him nuggets/let him watch TV etc, so I can on tricky days’. I feel that is asking too much of unpaid child care. I suppose you could tell a small white lie and say you are no longer allowing these things and could she please follow suit? With regards to your toddler asking for TV frequently this I feel is more likely to be because he sometimes get it at home. He’s basically trying his luck. I would usually suggest set screen times (I work with young children) but obviously realise this may not work with your health problems. It sounds hard and I think some people’s suggestions of batch cooking etc sound good. Also don’t beat yourself up if he sometimes spends more time watching TV than ideal, he still does lots of other lovely things and will be ok.

Maybe he’s asking for it because you’re making it seem like such a prize. I get it, I worried about screen time a lot when my first was young. We gradually increased how much he had, probably when I was pregnant wifi my second! And guess what, it’s done him no harm.

My second has had a lot more TV time by default because it’s on for his brother. He’s never asked for it once, he doesn’t see it as a novelty, and he doesn’t really sit and watch it (he is 20 months). Again doesn’t seem to be harming him in any way.

In the nicest possible way you need to relax a bit on this all. Parenting isn’t a competition. There isn’t a legal amount or a quota of screen time and cheat meals, you don’t need to argue over this with MIL, her using them doesn’t mean she’s used all yours.