DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

This. Either prepare food to take or Let It Go. Its tiring looking after a toddler, let him watch some tv with granny. How often do YOU sit with him? Or do you park him and do something else? No one will love him like his nanny 😍

Yes, I considered a lot of CBeebies quite educational when my children were young.

I believe there is an evolutionary reason why 61 year old women (I'm one) don't generally have their own toddlers to look after, unless they're the rare maniac who thinks post menopause IVF is a good idea.

Get/make some prepared meals to send with him and know that a few hours in front of C Beebies is not abusive, it is designed for tots, weird as it is, it is not Reservoir Dogs. I am told I stood transfixed and as unto stone in front of very limited 60s childrens telly (probably Camberwick Green or Bill and Ben) while Mum crammed my arms into a coat so we could go for a health giving walk in the park. We all survived.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to wish that your child is entertained without TV and also given healthy food, in an ideal world that would be happening. However there isn't much you can do. It sounds like you have hinted as much as you can but I hasn't been taken on board. Unfortunately if you aren't paying for childcare you can't really say much about it.

My mum looked after my niece one day a week when she was younger. She used to fall asleep watching ‘In the night garden’ every time! She is now 18, very well adjusted and about to go to uni.
is she happy there? Does she feel safe? Is she well looked after? Do they have fun and laugh a bit? For me, these things are so important and if it’s alongside “paw patrol” and some chicken nuggets, she’ll probably have great memories of her childhood! I’d much rather a chilled loving grandparent who serves chicken nuggets than a stressed out, cross and dismissive one who serves freshly cooked all-organic food!

But won't DC miss time with his grandparents? Being in childcare is noisy and intense, so he probably enjoys the change of pace and being with people who love and spoil him

Why do you think 100% of MIL time is easy? She voluntarily looks after someone else’s child. She could be watching her own tv shows or meeting her own friends or doing something for her own self care. That would be easy. Going out of her way to feed an entertain someone else child is not the easy option for her. And why so condescending about tv? Many kids tv shows have clear messages about how to be kind and that other people are important and have feelings too and that your behaviour can impact on their feelings and that you should be grateful when other people go out of their way to help you out. Perhaps you could try watching them some time?

Overall, gently I think YABU OP. Most 2 year olds can’t pay attention/sit still for TV for more than an hour afaik (my 2 year old certainly can’t- we’ve never made it through a whole film yet), so I doubt he’s watching TV the whole 4 hours. Maybe he needs to take more of his favourite toys over with him? My DS can insist on playing the same pretend game with me for what seems like forever with his toys - sometimes I ask if he wants to watch a bit of TV out of desperation🤣 so I can get something else done!

And the chicken nugget/chips thing - tbh even if he’s having it 3 or 4 times a week (because you need a rest due to disability - I get it as I have similar issues too ) it’s not ideal but it’s really not the end of world. We just have to do the best that we can when we’ve got disabilities - and even if it gets to the point that only 2 of his 3 meals a day are freshly cooked/made, I think he’ll survive 😀. Try not to be so hard on yourself (or your MIL). Will he at least eat any veg or beans with the chicken nuggets and chips? Or could you suggest your MIL gives him a toddlers ready meal instead sometimes that contains some veg as well?

My 2 year old knows that after In the night garden/the goodnight song and his beaker of milk that it's bedtime. I love CBeebies.

Why do you resent that your mother in law is retired. She's done her graft raising your husband surely? She's helping you guys and enjoying time with her grandbaby, it's not the end of the world if he happens to watch some ceebeebees

Pay for a proper nanny or thank her.

You'd help your son's wife in the future would you?

It's helped with mine that we've always had clear rules (e.g., never after dinner for example) and then she doesn't ask because she knows the answer.

When you’ve said “100% of MIL’s time is easy”, I’m wondering if you’re struggling a bit to put yourself in her shoes. I found it effing exhausting looking after my niece and nephew when they were little; honestly more exhausting than looking after my own kids. It’s a different dynamic and your MIL is in a different stage of life.
I hear that it’s tough for you with your condition and i imagine it must be really frustrating and demoralising at times. And mother guilt is REAL!! I feel it.
At the same time, that doesn’t mean that it’s all super easy for your MIL; it’s bloody tiring looking after other people kids!

Let it go. I can only assume you only have one child so are coming across a bit precious. If ur doing all these activities with him I’m sure a little bit of tv and nuggets won’t hurt

The mother-child relationship is very different from the grandmother-grandchild relationship, and rightly so.

It won't be difficult for a child to understand that what happens at grandma's house doesn't happen at home.

It sounds like you're resentful and disappointed and upset at your MIL that in the 2 afternoons a week she gives you a break from your son, she's not being the mother to your son that you are. She's being his grandmother. She doesn't "owe" you this time, and she shouldn't be a stand-in/replacement mother. She should be his grandma, and SHE gets to decide what that is. If you don't like it, don't send him to her, that's YOUR right.

I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your disability. It's not your MIL's job to parent your child for you, the way you tell her to, because of it. It would be nice (although I'm sure I'd feel extremely jealous if she did it as well as or better than I did!), but you can't expect it. It's for her to offer, not for you to demand. And she's not awful for choosing to be the grandmother instead. She'd probably be a stand-in mother if you were her daughter, but you're not.

Your DS will be fine for a while with chicken nuggets and CBeebies. It could be a lot worse, and I'm afraid that's the way you'll have to look at things given your circumstances.

She is minding the child free of charge and keeping him safe. How do you know she isn't doing a "decent job" of it? Presumably she is loving and kind, as well as building a lovely bond. A few chicken nuggets and a bit of Cbeebies is nothing in comparison. I doubt at his age he even sits down to watch it.

Your "sympathy" is entirely misplaced.

I'd fussy eaters grown up to eat most things and one who insisted on watching Barney on repeat now a qualified professional.

But I am obviously being unreasonable. My standards are obviously too high and I can’t expect them of anyone else

You sound terribly ungrateful and with the statement above a bit of a passive aggressive martyr tbh.

Lucky little boy to get different experiences and lots of ppl who love him. The narrowing of diet might be a phase completely unrelated to the nuggets and chips.
It all goes so quickly-you'd have a happier head space if you let go a little.

She's retired. She deserves a rest and easy life after years of working and bringing up children. You can't compare her life to yours. She's retired and done her bit. She's allowed to take the easy way out.
My DM lets my DD watch TV too, but I don't care really, because she's doing me a massive favour.

Buy healthy frozen meals for her to make with him - you can find them in the supermarket. Brands like Kristy's, or the specific ones for kids (name escapes me).

Find other childcare if you want and probably pay for it.

Can you batch cook and freeze healthy meals? Not all oven meals are unhealthy, you could chuck some salmon in the oven and give that with peas and carrots.
or precook some healthy pizza dough, freeze it etc

annabel karmel ready meals?

Lovely post.
Can't believe half these posts.
If I was asked to look after my grandkids, I'd follow the instructions to the letter.
My grandmother used to look after me a lot.
She'd cooked nutritious food (farming family).
We did all sorts - baking, Scap booking , walks in nature, singing etc loads
Yes we did watch some tv, but back then it was only on for kids for about 2 hours and we did spend 5 full days a week with her.
Gm was a similar age and some what older by the time I got ti secondary.
There was some of the happiest moments of my childhood with her.
If your mil can't follow these simple instructions at this stage , I would be very concern about the future going forward.... is she respectful in other ways.
Doesn't matter what your rules are , you are the mum (and dad has your back )

I think you can't control what mil does annoying as it is.
I used little dish ranges if I was poorly or similar. Also used to freeze down toddler portions of spag bol/curry with rice etc so I could just microwave them