DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

There is lots of amazing educational content on CBeebies. I do sometimes wonder about people's expectations 🫠

Honestly you are massively overthinking this.

Your MIL doing a couple of easy meals and having CBeebies on doesn't prevent you from
accesaing those shortcuts when you need to and isn't going to stunt your sons development.

My best mate growing up lives on burgers, nuggets, pizza, sausages and the occasional spag Bol. Her mum always served every meal with a side of carrot sticks and apple slices. Friend is now in her 40s and a huge fan of fine dining restaurants.

My own daughter was a regular CBeebies viewer from a few weeks old - she had colic and I had had severe pnd and it was what kept us sane. She's now studying to become a human rights barrister.

Please try and unclench...this is not the end of the world.

I think you are being very hard on yourself but I also think you are being hard on MIL. You are hard on yourself because you think you are not a great mom because you are limited by your health issue. All moms are hard on themselves. Cut yourself some slack. At the same time, dont be hard on your MIL for taking advantage of the same shortcuts you would like to take advantage of (easy meals, a break while DS watches TV). You are the parent, so you assume the responsibility of raising your child, and a lot of that is a pain in the arse. Tedious, exhausting, thankless work. Which MIL already did, raising your husband. The fact that she is willing to do it again for her grandchild is a bonus for you and DH. She is entitled to shortcuts at her age, as she provides free care for a child she clearly loves ands enjoys. You must see the hypocrisy here, right? She is doing what you want to do and you resent her for it. Take a step back and be easier on yourself and MIL.

My child was brought up on chicken nuggets and chips and was the healthiest child in the class.

Curious to know how you measured this, @MoonHavana - quite apart from the fact that a bad diet in childhood is strongly indicated in health problems in adult life

Can't you reheat something your DH has made from scratch?

And pasta and sauce is quite straightforward

With him watching TV, can you have a TV time so you can just say yes. Like half an hour before dinner? So he asks for TV first thing, you say "yes, we can watch after we come home today"

It doesn't really matter that sometimes you feel shortcuts are ok for you but not her. I have had to get my family to babysit and it's crap that I come home to a pile of extra work, my child jacked up on sugar and some neon monstrosity blasting out the TV. But she is happy, they are happy and at least they've had a nice time together. This is not a hill to die on.

Kindly OP, you've said that even you yourself can't stick to your own high standards. I imagine it's "easier" for your MIL just like it's easier for you on hard days because being 61 and caring for a small child must be slightly more tiring than if she was in her 30's?

Get off your high horse.

But she is helping you out. She looks after your child two long afternoons a week

Again - you can't possibly accurately predict what you'd do as a grandparent

'He's already had his screen time limit today mil and he's had nuggets and chips once this week so he can't have those, don't worry though any of your leftovers will do, we've been told he needs to eat the same as the family eat' said with a big smile, and repeat, have your dh repeat, along with 'thank you so much for looking after him, he loves x game that he says you play with him' etc. Kill with kindness but just make the rules very clear.

She may or may not listen to you. Have some veggie fingers in the freezer instead of nuggets, and pesto pasta instead of chips. Just as easy but some variety!

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

Op, have you any idea how entitled this sentence is??

Your MIL is your child’s Grandparent! She is doing you a massive favour!
It is not her job to make your life easy, or to cook for your child.
She’s done her mothering years with her own children. If you want your child to eat a specific diet while she has your dc, then it’s up to you to provide that food.
Otherwise, keep your neb out and let her enjoy being a grandparent whilst she’s doing you this amazing, massive favour.

Your health is also not her fault. Lots of us manage chronic health conditions while also being a parent, a cook, a cleaner and a full time employee.

Given you don't even know what is wrong with OP your comment that "Lots of us manage chronic health conditions while also being a parent, a cook, a cleaner and a full time employee" a bit obnoxious. Not all health conditions are the same.

You’re being unreasonable, it’s 2 afternoons a week for a Nan to spend with her grandchild. This isn’t paid childcare, she’s not a childminder or a teacher. 2 afternoons a week
with a bit of TV and food kids love as a treat with Nan during their special time together is fine, and sounds like a pretty normal and nice grandparent / grandparent relationship

One post that agrees with you out of all those that don't. I imagine you will use the one post to reinforce your view, and who can blame you? We all do that

But given that everyone else doesn't agree with your PoV - does anything change your mind a bit?

I do like the idea of the healthy toddler ready meals, that could be a game changer on your bad days. Add some steamed mixed veg if necessary.

But toddlers are notorious at turning into picky monsters after eating pretty much everything 😱

You are SO entitled it’s ridiculous 😂

There are plenty of quick and easy meals for you to make that aren't nuggets, you know. You could easily make Cheese Quesadillas, mini burgers, pasta, sausage rolls, rice dishes. The list is endless and Its super simple to add vegetables and change meats. You could also buy Quorn nuggets, or hidden vegetable nuggets to make it healthier.

YABU. Enjoy the activities you do with your child and let MIL enjoy what she does.

I don't know ehat it's like now but when DD was little we watched a lot of CBeebies together because it was educational and we interacted with it together. She had a varied diet including cook from scratch and convenience foods if necessary and she turned out fine, has a law degree and is training to be a Solicitor. As someone else has said don't turn down free childcare, especially with someone you are confident with

I don't have any advice for your actual question but also a disabled mum to a young child and we keep some Stocked frozen blocks in the freezer for when I'm not well and my husband is working. It means she can have a relatively healthy meal on her plate in only a few minutes. They do a children's range as well which I think is maybe blander flavours or smoother but ours loves strong flavours so has the adult ones with no issues too.

Grandmother here and I'm with you OP. I may bend the parents' rules (no screen time and no cakes, biscuits etc) but only very slightly. I consider it a privilege to look after my dgc (albeit free of charge) and know how quickly they grow up, so small sacrifice to keep to parents rules for a lot of pleasure, and in time happy memories and a closer relationship l.

@Cailleach1

…or you buy a bag of pre-chopped stir fry veg, open that bag and chuck the contents in a wok.

what’s up with that?

How about if they've been up since 5.30 am. Then it would be even more likely that the TV was on for at least 2 hours a day.

I absolutely need TV to “wind down”. I really struggle to sleep without watching a bit of TV in bed. There was a survey done a few years ago now, a big % of adults said they liked having TV on, even just in the background, especially if they lived alone. I no longer live alone but did for many years and it was a comfort to hear other voices.

Ive read all your posts OP but not the thread.

You are being unreasonable yes

Its irrelevant that you have a disability but relevant that she is providing free childcare. The relationship is far more valuable than chicken nugget free meals

Is your husband unhappy with the child care provided?

I do get why you’re not keen. I’m super strict on screen time, however we don’t have any help at all with our kids and I would really appreciate if we did and so probably wouldn’t feel I could make an issue of it if I’m honest.

Our freezer is full of leftover portions of cooked meals, can you and your partner make extra on your good days so on a bad day you can just reheat those?

With screen time if you do really hate it the best thing to do is probably never have it on at your home (if he’s used to it at your MIL’s that’s a different environment) and eventually then he will stop asking or expecting it. We have tonie boxes instead which are really popular with our kids. Or you could have a basket of special bits that can keep them occupied for longer like playdough or magnatiles that only come out when you’re having a bad day?

It makes sense, but it is unreasonable. It is you who are making an arbitrary decision about how much "easy" time per week is ok for your DS. You are the one choosing to fix it at a limit that is used up by your MIL.

You could choose to have some easy but nutritionally more sound meals ready to bung in the oven for your son, from extras made when you or your DH cook from scratch and frozen as little portions. You could choose to extend the total number of tv hours allowed per week. A few more hours a week of CBeebies if you feel the need won’t kill him (preferable to YouTube imo as no ads).

Me too, I have it on in the background in the say way people have a radio on