DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

YABVU OP
Abit of TV and a few chicken nuggets and oven chips, sounds lovely.
I r very fortunate that MIL is involved and caring. Don't spoil that

A lot of carers use tv to get some calm and respite so absolutely I think that if I am caring for your child out of the kindness of my heart, it’s a bit off for you to tell me I can’t take a break for half an hour. Some kids are relentless and ultra high energy and it really is exhausting caring for them for several hours.

Unbelievable! I feel sorry for your MIL. I'd be very happy with the meals she's cooking.

In my opinion you are taking advantage of free child care and moaning about her "babysitting".

Give MIL back her life and find a person qualified to look after your child who will charge you money to deal with your complaints. Take it out of your child allowance money.

With food I don’t care as long as you provide whatever it is you want me to feed them and don’t expect me to slave over the stove making a gourmet meal.

It’s barely any time in the week. Send him with a packed tea or a Tupperware meal to be heated up if you don’t want her to cook for him.

Maybe I should cut myself some slack as well as MIL?

Yes you should! Honestly OP we all want to do the best for our children, but life can be challenging especially when you're juggling work, a chronic illness and being a mum; just because you can't do everything you want it doesn't mean it's causing your child harm. I'd let it go- 30 mins of tv and freezer food is fine.

YABU.

Just be grateful for two afternoon's of freely given in terms of love and finance, childcare from his grannie.

I am afraid if you were my DIL, I'd ask you straight whether you wanted me to look after him or not. If it came with yiur conditions, I'd let you know that I was taking up politics, bridge or getting a little job on those afternoons.

64 and not a grannie yet.

Also - with the screen time thing. We had a similar situation with my MIL but I just thought, she’s raised 4 successful adults and has decades more experience in raising children than me, so I’m prepared to concede a few things I’d do differently for free childcare. She was also really receptive to changing the TV to something we wanted him to watch - educational etc - rather than Cocomelon or something similar which we absolutely hate with a passion. I do think it’s a bit different with phones or tables though - if he was sat with an iPad in his hand for the whole 4 hours I can see why you’d be annoyed, but with TV, it can be a lot more interactive.

I think your MIL is getting the blame a little for things that are totally normal stage for an almost 2 year old. My 9 month old was regularly having very cultured meals but sadly at 4 he's become a lot more particular and it's quite natural for them to favour bland foods that are always the same. Some kids ask for tv all the time. They are just testing boundaries. I definitely did find it harder with just 1 boy on his own because I had to do a lot more entertaining and then towards 2 mine dropped his nap so a wee bit of tv in the afternoon gave him a bit of chillout time.

Also kids really do love time with grandparents, regardless of the task. Mine loved going to lidls with his gran and then watching escape to the country with a cup of tea! Whilst she may be fit and healthy my mum and MIL both say that they are much more tired in their 60s and a full day of on the go child rearing a toddler is too much for them.

I’m with you, OP. I think if you’re looking after someone else’s child it’s only good manners to respect the parents’ wishes.

@Chilliinitiative Sorry to hear about your chronic illness. Just wondering, is this related to anxiety? Only wondering because you worrying about nuggets / TV a couple of times per week when being looked after by granny is possibly slightly overreacting?

Also, don't underestimate her age. Women after menopause can often feel exhausted (speak from experience!) there is a reason people retire past 60! Plus for most people, a couple of nugget meals a week and a bit of TV is perfectly fine. Plus maybe she feels she is providing him with a bit of a 'chilled' environment and grandparents 'spoiling' kids is kind of par for the course, isn't it (within reason)?

I do think people who worry too much about food etc often end up having more colds/illnesses etc than other people.

I put it down to food anxiety. Any anxiety is bad for you - please get over this and move on and be grateful that your DC is having a relationship with his granny who is happy to have him 2 afternoons (more than most) free.

OP… I mean this so kindly but I think you are overcompensating slightly. Mum guilt is a horrible emotion and I think in trying to give your DS the best possible life and in tandem worrying that your disability will somehow limit the care you can give him so you are redirecting your worry at DGM over something very small.

Yes there are some (neglected) children out there who never see a vegetable and spend their lives being plonked in front of the TV and ignored all day. But there is also a huge number of toddlers/kids who are loved dearly and regularly fed oven food and given a few hours of TV (sometimes even more) and have lovely lives with lovely families. It sounds like your DS falls into the latter category. If you fed him oven food for a whole week he’d be fine. Try and not put so much pressure on yourself to be “perfect”. You are perfect to him. You do not need to “save” up TV and oven food for your off days. Try giving them to him for a week and you’ll see he’s fine. Things ebb and flow. Release a bit of pressure from yourself because you are putting extra stress on yourself and DGM that you really don’t need to.

I think you will look back on this thread in a few years time and cringe

As long as the parents appreciate that if those wishes make it too difficult, offers will dry up.

Gosh?! Is this all you have to worry about? Be grateful for what she does for your son. My child was brought up on chicken nuggets and chips and was the healthiest child in the class. Think of all the horrible things they will consume as they grow up.

I managed to look after my grandchild on my own for 8.5 hours per day, 2 days a week from 18 months old to when she started school when I was older than OP's MIL. I did not give her junk food and I limited the amount of TV she watched, in accordance with her parents' wishes.

I think OP is unreasonable to expect her child to watch no TV when he is with his grandparents, but watching TV for the whole of the time he is with them would be unreasonable. I'm not sure why they give him oven food like chicken nuggets and chip when they are cooking proper meals for themselves and OP says he would eat that.

As kids from toddlers until we left home my siblings and I watched an average of 5-6 hours tv every day. We are all now well rounded professionals with happy healthy lives. In fact two of us are PhDs in the humanities/arts and we often say that our over exposure to one art form (tv) made us really good at ‘reading’ other forms too. Yes we did family activities and read books but my parents worked full time and oven meals and screen time was the default during the week.

Would she take offence to you suggesting some activities he enjoys at home that are non screen related ie - he loves puzzles at the moment MIL, here are some to use here.

On the days she has him perhaps have some healthy before bed snacks for him to add in the good stuff. Ie cucumber, carrot sticks and similar.

Mine grew up before the tablet and YouTube era. However they would watch cbeebies bedtime hour and an hour of quiet time around lunch time most days. These would be when I got my jobs done (or a cuppa on a bad day!). I think TV is better than tablet and Internet use for toddlers.

OP, do you own a freezer? Why does a 'shortcut' meal, when you need to use one, have to be chicken nuggets or similar? Why can't you batch cook some extra portions on a good day and freeze them for a rainy (healthwise) day? Ditto your husband - you're both obviously competent and motivated cooks, but not everyone has time or energy to cook from scratch, every day, and you have health problems which means planning ahead makes even more sense for you.

Also, eggs are a wonder food - scrambled, omelette, throw some spinach leaves, bit of cheese and baby tomatoes in, and most 2 year olds will happily eat it. It's not junk, it's cooked from scratch and takes a minute. It seems you are setting yourself very high standards, which you will fall short on. You could think ahead and lower your bar slightly, and no-one will be worse off!

As for your MIL - well, honestly, she is doing you a huge favour, and she is building a relationship with her GC as well. I would not imperil that by criticising her methods. Her son turned out OK, didn't he?? It is also winter, and perhaps as the weather improves, your MIL will find it easier to get out in the garden/park with GC and be less reliant upon TV.

Why can’t you batch cook on your good days and freeze for you to give him when you are having a not-so-good day? Then it’s still only 2 meals a week that are not homemade.

You don't know that. You're not in your 60s and you will find your energy levels nose-dive as you get older and pass through menopause plus your own medical issues may well affect you

As parents, we're younger, have more energy and live with our kids so are used to their noise and energy and nuttiness 😆. And not every one is cut out to be gran of the year, or even of the afternoon

Ah I bet you do her head in.

DS loves going to his Granny for the TV & chips!

Mum also brings him out, to the shops, the park.

She takes him when I’m sick & babysits overnight.

DS loves his grandparents, and they do it their way.

If it makes anyone feel better about screen time, I was raised in front of the TV (it's how I learned to speak English) got top grades at GCSE and A Level, went to a top uni, have a very good career I enjoy. I barely have time for TV now 😂

OP, I know it seems like a big deal but please don't worry. If you are really concerned about screen time then maybe suggest MIL puts on something educational like number blocks.

YABVVVVU I really hope you don't say any of these to your mother in law, who I would be incredibly grateful for, nuggets, TV and all.