DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

👏👏👏👏

But, gently, OP, that’s your choice. There’s nothing actually stopping you from making 20% of your time easy.

I would look at things I could do for lazy dinners myself when I'm tired and let MIL do what she's doing.

Meals I do when I'm lazy are the below. I seek out the best quality versions of the ingredients I can find.

Jacket potato in the microwave with cheese and tuna.

Fish fingers (good quality ones), peas, potato

Baked beans and toast (tesco organic are non upf so I use these. Sourdough bread).

Sticks of carrot, cucumber, pepper and pitta with houmous and cheese.

Pizza (non upf eg crosta and mollica)

Let it go
Made me think of this

"I want my kids to be brought up like I was! by my mum!"

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. The WHO recommends no screen (that includes TV) time at all for children under 2 and there is also evidence that UPFs are really not a good idea, particularly for small children.

Unfortunately, given you have already tried sending food with him, she's obviously got some notion that children should be fed beige crap and is unlikely to change on that score.

Have you asked her to avoid TV when she has him, although if she won't listen to you re the food it's unlikely she would listen to you re the TV,

Basically, your choices are:

1. Have a conversation with her, telling her that you are really uncomfortable with the screen time and UPFs and ask her to change her approach. If she doesn't, you either suck it up or move him to full time childcare and ignore any tantrums from her.
2. Send him to full time childcare, telling her why and ignore any tantrums.
3. Suck up the current situation.

Personally, I would go for number 1, with a move to full time childcare if she didn't change her approach.

I'd let it go, it's twice a week. If not then move him to full time childcare.

WHO recommends none for under 2's and a maximum of a hour, but preferably less, screen time (that's all screens) for older (aged 2-4).

YABU. If you don’t like how your MIL cares for your child (for free) then pay for childcare like most others have to.

Why can’t you batch cook the food you want her to feed your DS (when you’re well)?

He's 2, it's entirely normal for a 2 year old to start getting more selective about food and more demanding about what they want to do with their time. You're holding MIL to a higher standard than you hold yourself. I also have a chronic illness. I can't expect everyone who spends time with DD to live up to extremely high standards to compensate for that.

There are 2 yos up and down the country eating chicken nuggets for tea 7 nights a week and watching TV for hours a day, and those are the ones struggling later on. Your 2 yo watching an hour or 2 twice a week and eating oven food even as many as 4 days some weeks is not going to kill him and the chances are he'll be indistinguishable from the 2 yos who ate only organic quinoa and watches only 15 minutes of black and white TV a week by the time he starts school.

It's 2 afternoons a week, I would let it go, it's not like he's coming to any harm it's just different parenting approaches.
If you decide this is something you can't put up with you'll need to find alternative childcare.

OP, I think it's reasonable that you're dissapointed that your DMIL doesn't engage more with your son - watching him watch TV is very hands off.

Can you try to get her on board with cutting out TV altogether for a few weeks, on the basis that he's getting a bit obsessed so you need to work together to redirect him? If she doesn't want to cut TV out, then you can reasonably stop using her for childcare, as she's not co-operating to solve a problem.

Maybe it is too much for her, and she could do the odd afternoon trip to the park.

I think if she agrees to cut the TV you could suck up the oven food - it's not ideal, but it's 2 meals out of 21 a week, so not a huge problem. About your son getting pickier with his food, my DS was the same at 3 - he ate everything up to then, nearly all home cooked from scratch, then started not liking different things, I kept most of them on his plate and he did get better after a year or so.

For the times when you want to make a quick oven dinner yourself, you can get good quality oven food - eg chicken gujons or fish fingers, which have decent ingredients, and serve them with some chopped up veggies. It's as easy as putting poor quality nuggets and wedges in the airfryer, but more nutritious, and less guilt inducing.

I think you're getting a really hard time here. You are lucky to have an MIL who takes your son two afternoons a week, but you don't have to be so grateful that you can't be concerned about how your MIL interacts with him and feeds him.

If you have been using these sorts of foods yourself to feed your child (and I don't see an issue with it from time to time so I'm not criticising), then it's likely that your child ASKS for these sorts of food at his grandmothers and it's become something he expects to be part of visiting her now.

It will just cement his good memories of his time with her and won't take away from his memories of his time with you.

Be a little kinder to her, just as you wish people could be a little kinder to you.
Getting older sucks, just as having a chronic illness does and energy levels can really plummet at times.
She probably needs a sit down for half an hour and while they might be watching tv, they might be bonding over her knowing the characters, talking about the show they watch etc..
My son loved Bing at that age and still remembers us snuggling up together to watch it even though he is a teen now.
I remember it too, it was a chance for a nice long cuddle and a laugh as there was usually something amusing in the episode.

While loads of tv isn't good for kids, there is a certain amount that your child will benefit from having some knowledge of when he is at an age to mix more with his own age group.
Being the only kid in the class who has no idea who Mr Tumble is (or whatever show is the one they all know in his year) doesn't help your kids social development either.

If she is spending three and a half hours entertaining him and half an hour sat in front of a completely suitable for children show I just don't see why you can't be glad about the three and a half hours instead of focusing on the one eighth of the time she does things that you'd rather she didn't, but aren't that bad.

Easy answer is to pay someone to look after your child.

How would this be better?

Because presumably if op paid a nursery /childminder she would be paying for her child to be educated/entertained?? So if she doesn't like him watching TV she needs to pay for someone to provide the service.

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

Not to sound harsh but you know you’ve got a chronic illness, you choose to have a child it’s no one else’s responsibility other than yours and your DH to juggle anything.
It’s unfair of you to resent your MIL just because you have to do those things and she doesn’t. She has done it all before when bringing her own DS up, why should she have to carry on doing that now she is retired. It’s lovely she wants to help so you either accept it or pay for extra days in nursery

My grandson is likely autistic and a very fussy eater. We are just happy when he eats a meal at this point.

However, if my son or daughter in law asked me to cook him healthier meals or brought something round for him to eat, I would do my best to accommodate it. I feel lucky when I get to spend time with him, it's a blessing so would happily go along with it.

I don't think it really matters though, OP. Your son will be fine.

They sound like lovely grandparents, my MIL has never offered to have my DD!

I agree, this isn't better.

Cultivating a lovely, close relationship with his granny is of huge value. Don't throw that away because you can't deal with some chicken nuggets. The food situation is in your control to change anyway. A little reminder to keep the tv in check and job done.

Not sure if anyone has already suggested this but the Little Dish ready meals are fab - low / no salt and sugar and at least 1/5 a day (the spag Bol and risotto are 2/5). You get them in Asda. You could also supplement with children’s gummy vitamins on days you can’t cook, just to give you peace of mind they’re definitely getting their vitamins. To be honest just be glad you’ve got a 2 year old who will eat what you give them, it’s a constant battle with mine - “oven food” is quite often all he’ll eat! I did a lot of reading into this and was reassured by what I found - the Instagram page Feeding Littles was helpful.

This!!!

So you are the only one allowed to give him TV time and oven food? I think you need to give your head a wobble. Its 2 afternoons a week! A bit of TV time with his nanny and a little kids TV when he is there will not damage him. You are lucky that she has him for you. She is doing you a massive favour having him and he probably loves the time he spends with her.

Let it go. If you can't then pay for childcare. Problem solved.

Instead of taking the meals to MIL why not make extra for you to just microwave when you’re having a tough day? So instead of you feeding him chicken nuggets and chips you heat up a healthy meal and he can have the nuggets at grandmas

I find this odd that if you’re not paying you can’t discuss childcare with the volunteer carer? If I was helping out by looking a friends child I would check on do and don’ts and follow them. No tv not a problem, home cooked meals I would ask them to provide if it didn’t fit with my cooking (I cook to different requirements) etc . @TheKeatingFive

A) I think you are being U given that, as you say, it's free childcare so you can't set the terms. Also at 61 I imagine it's bloody tiring looking after a 2 year old so of course she doesn't want battles, just an easy life and a happy grandchild.

B) I think you are being doubly U for wanting to take these shortcuts and cop-outs yourself when it suits you, but begrudge your PILs the chance to do the same when it suits them. It seems hypocritical. You are basically saying 'I don't want to have to do things the hard way all the time, but I want things done the hard way most of the time, so you should do things the hard way all of the time, so I can have an easier ride.