DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

If you’re unhappy, then pay for childcare. 🙂

OP, it won't hurt him to watch TV two afternoons a week, I expect your mother in law does other things with her grandson. My mum looked after mine from babyhood until he started Kindergarten school at three something, two days a week. After that she had him in the holidays.

He would come home and talk about things he'd seen there, such as daytime soaps, Countdown (which is of course educational), and the odd film including a Carry On film in which a watch was left inside a patient so he had to be opened up again! He also watched the news and could impersonate Prince (as he was then), Charles. It was quite funny. We never minded, it didn't hurt him. My mum was widowed and would cook for herself at lunch time so he ate what she had once he got past a certain age. He also had a few sweets. She read and played with him, took him out etc, but when they were at home, the TV was on.

I've never had chicken nuggets and always cooked decent meals but sometimes we'd have burger or fish and chips, sausages, pizza or whatever. Occasionally is fine!

When your son gets to the age of having friends round you will probably opt for things like that because kids often don't like or mistrust things that their mum didn't cook. The same goes if you have lunch or a snack whilst out shopping, you're not going to go anywhere a la carte.

My child grew up fine and healthy. Yours probably will too.

I'm sure most of us ate a bit of junk food in our lives, especially when young, and more sweets than kids do nowadays, and we're still here.

Moderation in all things. Two afternoons of telly and junk food is not going to hurt your son, honestly, and please forgive yourself for the odd time when you take a soft option, it's normal. You all probably eat quite well on the whole.

As you have a mother-in-law, presumably you have a husband. If he is still living with you, he can take a turn doing your food, especially at weekends if he's home then.

I do hope things improve for you, healthwise but do stop worrying about this. Good luck.

It's not complex or nuanced really though is it? I'm sorry you have health problems, I do myself, so I understand but it's really not complicated. Gm gives ds a meal twice a week and watches some tv with him. That's all. Why is it a complex reality?

and, perhaps for her, the oven food means she gets to spend more time with her grandchild, who it sounds like she loves very much, rather than leaving him on his own while she cooks.I don't think that's unfair. a lot of grandparents LOVE every minute with their grandchildren, and yes, they do often have looser rules than the parents, but not usually damaging. if they're together, watching the TV and eating nuggets, that could be very precious and not worth losing to spend time in the kitchen, prepping and mixing and keeping an eye on something.

maybe you could suggest they cook together. that might not be an ideal option, because children in the kitchen can often make more mess and make a quick job into a long and very messy one. but on the other hand, it could become something they really enjoy doing together.

You're the mother. She is the fun grandparent. She's not doing anything on purpose. She'll be doing oven foods as it's quick and easy and wants to spend as much time as possible with your child, not cooking away in the kitchen.
Show some gratitude. You're very ungrateful

As an aside, I am surprised how many posters are saying they often have the TV on in the background while their DC are playing. I thought constant background noise from TV (or radio 4 or Mozart) was one of the things known to be bad for development because it is distracting and it makes it harder to pick out and learn language from parents and siblings (or the TV), because babies and toddlers tune out all the noise so don’t listen to speech and babies take longer to understand that words are for communicating rather than “noise”?

Yes.

You say thank you.

It's not snobby. Screens emit blue light which is bad for eyes. Our screen time is to blame for early macular denegeration. So you definitely don't want to expose children's delicate, developing eyes to it too much. Watching a play or reading a book doesn't expose eyes to blue light.

www.aao.org/eye-health/tips-prevention/screen-use-kids

I think you need to be easier and kinder on yourself. I have a son the same age. He doesn’t get a whole lot of screen time, but does watch something daily, and has done for months (buys me time to make food/sit!). The past few weeks, he’s asking for the TV more, which I think is an age thing. Since 19/20 months, he is definitely more interested in what he’s watching and has started to interact with the characters (like dancing along with Ms Rachel or showing us a dramatic moment in old school Thomas). They’re reaching the age where they understand everything, so it makes sense. I would definitely ask your DH to be a bit firmer with what types of shows DMIL puts on though - I don’t think that would be unreasonable at all.

With regard to the food - he’ll be fine. Seven days of breakfast, lunch, and dinner is 21 meals. So what if three or four of them are oven food? It’s all about moderation and it sounds like the rest of his meals are healthy. Just because she gives some oven food, it doesn’t mean you can’t too when you’re struggling. His narrowing appetite is probably also just an age thing. I doubt two-ish oven meals out of 21 would do anything there ☺️

OP, if you were paying for a trained, experienced and knowledgable child-carer or nanny your niggles would be legitimate.

She is just a grandmother doing you both a favour. Babysitting and caring. But not educating as such or paying too much heed to his milestones. Just both enjoying each other’s relaxed company. She brought up your DH and he must have turned out alright or you wouldn’t have married him.
If it were mornings, I’d say she could maybe get him out at the park for fresh and exercise. If it were not the dead of winter, I’d say the same thing.
I bet she adores him and is forming a real healthy attachment with him which is a massive bonus.
I’d say you would do well to concentrate on the blessings that this arrangement provides to you all and, having already mentioned your niggles, leave it be for now until the better weather and then carefully make other suggestions.

I think you aren’t being unreasonable to notice and discuss your niggles with DH but I think you would be unreasonable to upset the apple cart.

Her feelings count too and as previous posters mentioned, you can provide the sort of food you want him to eat without too much trouble and you can also make sure he gets plenty of outings, fresh air and exercise during the rest of the week.
Make sure he has a varied supply of toys and books that he likes at MIL’s house and let her see how you engage and lead play with him, with those toys and books you provide so that she knows what to do. Praise MIL up if you notice something knew he has learned and let her know what you feel he needs practise with and what he is particularly enjoying for now eg singing and dancing together or having a favourite book read to him over and over again or pouring rice etc. Give her plenty of ideas without making her feel bad about things.

Good luck with your health struggles OP.

I think zero was the goal but realistically when home full time with a 2yr old I would do 2 x 20 mins in a week. I would sometimes manage a couple of weeks with none.

I think 2x4hrs of childcare and having to resort to TV is pretty poor.

With regards to the food I understand about saving the lazing meals for when you need them and to me 2 lots of oven junk a wek for a 2yr old is waaay too much. I would batch cook and freeze small portions or make packed lunches and send with him.

She's not childminding, she's plonking him in front of a TV and cracking on with her life. A bit of TV while preparing dinner is one thing, but this a lot.

Well, she is minding him... He's safe and looked after.

I’m late 40s and I’d struggle energy wise to entertain a toddler two afternoons a week. I’m fit and healthy but it’s a long time since I did that. You’re saying “MIL is retired, MIL doesn’t have a health condition like me, MIL should consider my health and not use up the short cuts I need for when my condition plays up” but you’ve shown no regard for her situation, her energy levels. She may be retired, but the energy levels of a 61 year old are not the same as someone of your age. Plus, when it’s been decades since you ran around after a 2 year old, the mind/body isn’t in that place anymore. It’s harder than you think. I say that as someone who works full time and can run 10k. I’m fit but I don’t have the energy to parent a toddler anymore.

MIL is offering you free childcare. Twice a week! You say you’re very grateful, but being grateful is more than just saying the words “I am grateful”. Because you don’t actually sound very grateful. You sound a bit judgemental about her time and energy levels (despite thinking she ought to be considering your health condition and your need for short cuts). Either put up with the way she wants to look after your child or pay someone else.

thanks. now I really want fish fingers and beans, and I don't think we have any fish fingers right now.

You don't want your unpaid childcare to take any easy options so that you can?

Absolutely agree with PP pointing out your total lack of empathy for DGM life stage and the fact your expectations of her mimic those of a co-parent with whom you’ve agreed mutual parenting choices.

I’d wind my neck in if I were you or you’ll end up with no free childcare at all and be back on here moaning about how DGM has stepped back 🙄 I’d be MORTIFIED to be so rude about my MIL when she was doing me a favour.

There are some super nutritious ready meals for kids now from places like Cook, Little Dish or Deliciously Ella. This might make it easier for you OP rather than you relying on oven food when you need a recharge day yourself.

Mmmm fish fingers chips and beans yes please.
“oven food” 😀😀😀

No parent is perfect. Some days we are better than others, but rest assured they will turn out fine in the end no matter what mistakes you make along the way. You care and that makes you a good mum, but also anxious to get it right.
You absolutely need to cut yourself some slack and allow some lazy days with tv and snacks etc, as long as it's not 247 everything will work out just fine x

M&S had a good kid's range when dd was little. The list of ingredients was basically same as I'd make

yes, it does sound like, at the core of this, is feeling bitter about the fact a 61 year old has better health than them.
and you know what. tough. that's life. my 65 year old mum is much more energetic and physically stronger than me, despite recently having and beating cancer a few years ago. I have a lot of chronic pain and fatigue issues. yes, I'm sad that I know at her age I'm likely to be struggling even more than I am now. but I don't resent her her health. I want her to be fit and healthy for as long as possible.

I grew up in the 70s on loads of junk food and tv, I turned out fine as did most of my generation 🤷🏽‍♀️

Look after your own child if you don't like what your mother is doing. There are worse things than watching tv and she isn't giving him cocaine for lunch.

OP says she has provided food she would prefer her DS to eat, but it sits in the fridge "forgotten." MIL is presumably not eating the beige food herself, so there's no reason not to give the food OP provides instead of cooking something special for him, or she could just give him some of whatever regular food she is eating.