DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

"When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her". 🙄🙄. Let me guess...first child?

@Chilliinitiative I understand that you don't want your child fed chicken nuggets and chips. However, oven food has definite advantages when looking after a toddler as you don't have to stand at the stove whilst also looking after a toddler - it can be left unattended (whereas both the stove, and the toddler, can't). So if you want to change something then I'd suggest you bring oven food that you prefer she cooks instead. Sweet potato fries, a mini fish pie or shepherds pie etc?

Aren’t you a peach @thinktwice36

I'm not that poster... But is it?

Say they have been up at 7.30am, got dressed and breakfasted then gone to playgroup 9.30am-11.30am. Then to cafe for lunch and to the supermarket and post office with mum. Then at home they've come in at 2pm and played with toys and then put shopping away. Mum gets play doh out and they play together for a bit. TV goes on about 3pm and mum sits and has a cup of tea, chats to DC while they watch it- say they watch the gruffalo followed by the gruffalos child. Mum goes to prep tea about 4pm and DC potters about with toys and has Cbeebies on. TV goes off at 4.30pm for tea time and mum and DC eat together at the dinner table. They go back into the living room and put cbeebies back on until 6pm when it's time to go up for bath etc. Dad comes home during this and DC tells them about the day.

The TV has been on for over 2 hours but the child has done lots of developmentally appropriate activities and has lots of loving care, but towards the end of the day they are more tired and getting frustrated with their jigsaws etc.

(That is not a untypical day for my non napping child at the moment!)

Well, obviously they didn't NEED to. They enjoyed it. I liked (still like) having the TV on in the background. It's just how we chose to do things. It doesn't seem to have had any ill-effects on my now adult children.

M&S fishcakes are my go to lazy meal. Serve with frozen peas. Everyone loves them.

I think this guilt is your problem not what MIL is doing. She can take shortcuts AND you can take them too. They’re not mutually exclusive.

They might be the type to get up at 5am!

When you're well, batch cook so you;ve got something in you can heat up easily for your DS, then you'll know that most of the time, he's getting good quality food.

It's hard to imagine, unless you've been there, how much your energy levels go down as you get older (apart from for a lucky few). At 60, I was fit and well, and working, but I found my dgs absolutely exhausting. I love them dearly, but when they were toddlers, I struggled to cope sometimes. It's the mental as well as the physical stress. I suspect this is one reason why 60 year old humans can't get pregnant. They don't have the stamina for childcare.

As a reasonably fit and healthy 60 year old who nonetheless has seen her energy levels plummet since hitting the menopause I heartily agree with this. I am sorry OP, I understand that you have a cronic condition and I know how frustrating that can be but you have to take responsibility for your own decisions and be grateful for the help you are getting. If that help is not to your taste then you will have to rethink those decisions.

OP how many stay at mum homes have 4 hours of quality time EVERY day with their DC doing crafts, baking, playing games, reading books, going to the park etc? They will be doing chores, cooking, looking after other DC, going shopping. You are asking a lot of your MIL on her days when she is doing you a favour. More than most parents do. She is a babysitter, not an educator.

I do all those things with my DGC but it is exhausting and expensive! Their parents don’t expect it of me though… They do what they can to make my life easier because they are grateful for the help. They take responsibility for making sure their DC have balance in their lives, whether it is screen time or chicken nuggets. That’s their job as parents.

Any toddler who has ever watched TV or eaten chocolate cake (or chicken nuggets) will try their luck at some point and want cartoons and sweets for breakfast every morning 😂 Why do you think being a fussy eater with square eyes comes from your MIL and not your “shortcuts”?

I and other PPs have made plenty of suggestions of how to make your life and MIL’s easier.

Another suggestion… you could tactfully reduce MIL’s childcare to 1 afternoon a week under the excuse of nursery advising it as they start on preschool preparation activities now he is older. She might have more energy for activities if it is only once a week. The benefits of 4 hours bonding with his DGM, even if it involves watching some TV and eating chicken nuggets, will outweigh the negatives.

I understand you have a disability and it is hard, and I do get where you are coming from. My DH has a chronic health condition so I understand. I was raised on chicken dippers and unlimited 90's TV/ video games so I totally get the damage of that as well - I don't think it did me much good. In truth, your MIL probably could do a bit better. But will she? Probably not, by the sound of it. So you are in the situation you are in.

At the end of the day, I really don't think this is going to do your son any long term damage. Many kids have childhoods which are 100% crap food and loads of screen time, which isn't ideal, but also not that uncommon. Your son is getting a mostly good diet and spending lots of time away from screens. It's not perfect, but it's not that bad, and it's better than many.

It sounds like your DH is great and you also do everything you can, and your son is certainly getting better than the bare minimum. He is loved and it sounds like all in all you are giving him everything you can, and a good life, with a pretty good balance of healthy food and activities.

All the important bases are covered here, you are doing your best, and although yes perhaps your MIL could do more, he is not going to be harmed.

It's hard to aim for perfection - aim for what you can realistically achieve. You are doing well, OP.

2 afternoons a week? Don't complain about trivial things. It doesn't really matter how old she is the point is she is looking after a toddler which is tiring which means she's going to do what is easiest for her.
I'm only 37 but I had my children young and now I'm completely over the whole baby and toddler stage. My sister has recently become disabled and so I have been helping out more even though i really cannot be bothered. You best believe there are no such crafts and outings and what not because I just don't have the energy it's as simple as that. But im doing my sister a favour so she wouldn't dream of complaining

You know, I think I do get why this bothers you - especially if you've tried to raise it and she's ignored you. It's hard feeling undermined and I think parenting has changed a lot over the last generation or two - it feels like there's more pressure to "get it right" than there was on e.g. 90's parents (I ate a lot of Findus crispy pancakes and watched quite a bit of TV, which seemed fairly standard among my peers).

However, I agree with the majority that, given the big favour she's doing you, you are probably going to have to come to terms with it. It won't cause long term harm.

I have a fussy toddler; when we visit my in-laws, I bring some portions of frozen homemade meals that I've had stashed away. That way I can guarantee she'll have something decent to eat and not just fill up on bread and pastries if she rejects their (very nice!) cooking. I'd suggest you try similar, bunging something in the microwave will be even easier than chips and nuggets .

I think you may be agonising too much about this. How lovely for your son to have this time with his GM. It is capital in his emotional bank, and will pay dividends throughout his life. Ok, oven chips and chicken nuggets/fishfingers aren’t the most nutritious meals out there. But it is better than a mars bar and a coke with crisps.

Would he take a stir fry with noodles, I wonder? Easiest ‘from scratch’ meal on the planet. Cut up onions, peppers, garlic, tomatoes, protein of choice. Add or omit anything of choice. Fry meat/fish first, then do the veg. Dunk the noodles in simmering water for 3 or 4 minutes.

The air fryer is brilliant for one pot meals. Do the chicken legs/meat first, then add small chopped potatoes to roast, with any veg of choice. This is as quick as putting nuggets and oven chips on, turning them over etc. And it’s real food.

I think the benefits of an interested GM really outweigh any concerns with your ds’s care. He’s a lucky little boy.

This. And also unnecessarily hung up about a bit of TV and chicken nuggets.

and yet, you can't always do that for your own child now. are things going to improve when you're 60? or, more likely, you will struggle a lot more by then.

I get it. I have chronic pain and fatigue issues. my lovely husband does the bulk of stuff. I love to cook, but I have a bar stool in the kitchen because my back seizes up a lot, and that's the right height for me to prep and cook. even then, sometimes it hurts so much I throw up. so he's had to take on a lot of the cooking as well. and as he's not an enthusiastic cook like I am, that's often convenience food. I'm just grateful that on my bad days, he takes that load off my shoulders. and tell you what, that man makes the BEST omelettes, scrambled eggs or fried eggs ever. they're always done JUST perfectly.

@Chilliinitiative

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

I'm a bit astounded by this comment. You're taking about your mother in law being kind enough to provide free childcare but you resent the fact that you have to juggle a job, be a mum and sort out food when YOU chose to being a child into the world? Youve said that your mother in law is in her 60s and retired, so I think she's probably done her share of juggling work and children in the past and is entitled to have some time for herself now! It won't hurt your child to eat chicken nuggets and watch TV a couple of times a week!

She does sound a bit useless (she can't manage to entertain a kid for a few hours and feed them some proper food?) but it's just how a lot of people of that generation parented, in my experience. Especially the things about making separate "kid" and "adult meals". She is doing you a favour, though, so I think you could say that you're trying to limit his screen time and feed him fresh food as much as possible (or even better, your partner can raise this) but you can't necessarily expect her to change.

Wallace and Gromit is wayyyyyy too scary for a two year old.

Some of the stuff on cbeebies is actually pretty good.

There's also a huge difference between leaving your child alone to watch tv and sitting and watching tv with them.

Would he take a stir fry with noodles, I wonder? Easiest ‘from scratch’ meal on the planet. Cut up onions, peppers, garlic, tomatoes, protein of choice. Add or omit anything of choice. Fry meat/fish first, then do the veg. Dunk the noodles in simmering water for 3 or 4 minutes.

@Cailleach1 Lol at that being easy. It actually takes quite a lot of planning to buy all those ingredients, and time and effort to do all the chopping and washing up. Stir fry is also not something you just leave to cook, you have to stand over it constantly.

It's quite a leap from bunging some frozen chicken nuggets in the oven.

Something like pesto/ tomato pasta would be a much easier mid point, but I think the point is that the MIL simply does not want to cook like this.

It makes sense but it's unreasonable. You talk as if you're talking about your child's other parent who has as much responsibility as you do. She is not the parent and when she does childcare it's as a favour. She doesn't owe it. She didn't choose to have a child with you to raise together. Surely that's fair, that the person who is doing the favour gets it easier.

I'd stop being so hard on yourself about TV as well. Your chronic illness means there are some things that just aren't the way you'd like. I'm not the parent I thought I'd be before I had kids either.

My DS has more than recommended TV time but often he's not watching it when it's on, or he watches for a bit then uses his toys to recreate scenes and then make his own stories up from there.

Also I think (anecdotally - from my own experience) that the main issue with screen time is actually personal devices like tablets and phones, especially endless scrolling. I don't think TV is the same. My DS talks about what's on TV while he watches it. As adults in our house we chat while watching TV too.

When we scroll Mumsnet or Facebook on our phones we're like little zombies, completely oblivious to what's around us and not socialising. We've all noticed and now try to limit our 'scrolling time' on our phones so that we can better connect with each other in the evenings.

Doing nothing but watching TV would be bad but I really think it's a far better type of screen time than other things. I wouldn't let DS have a tablet for that reason. Someone else might disagree. They might do 30 minutes of tablet time a day but would be horrified by the amount of Peppa Pig on my TV. You have to weigh things up and choose for yourself.

Your son is very lucky to have family members around who love him, and it's great that he gets than time with his Granny, who he will likely grow up to be very close to.

Have you considered unplugging the tv so it appears broken to ds? You can magically fix it when it’s ok to watch tv but obviously don’t let him see you plug it in again. If he watches on a tablet then don’t charge it so it looks like it’s broken. He will talk about the tv being broken but he won’t be watching it.