DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

2+ hours a day for a 2 year old? You're joking, right? That's an insane amount. 😳

I'm not convinced this is really about your mother in law.

You have an image in your mind of how to bring up your child. Due to your disability this is not always possible. I would also like to point out that parents without disabilities are not always the parent they want to be. Most of us set out to be Mary Poppins but have moments of Liz from motherland.

Your child will happier with happy parents. Not everyday will be a good one. Children and adults need downtime. Trust me, although we want to promote a healthy lifestyle, when your child is an adult they will only really remember being happy, loved and safe as a child.

If you’re not happy with the childcare you are receiving….for free…then find alternative.

I think you need to take a step back and realise your child is fed, and loved, and played with, and entertained, and he has grandparents that want to be involved in his life.

She's not putting him in harms way, she's just treating him because that's what grandparents do. They've done the parenting bit and now they want to do the fun bonding bit with their grandchildren while they're in the winter of their lives.

If she was not chopping his grapes up or was strapping him in a chair in front of the tv while she goes off to do her own thing then I'd say wow that's neglectful but this really is not a hill to die on.

My ex mil used to have ds1 for 1 day a week and he was probably fed on junk and watched a lot of tv. I never said anything because she was helping out but it did annoy me at the time.

My dc are now 9 and 6 and now we are out of the toddler stages I can fully appreciate my ex mil's perspective. She is the grandparent not the parent and didn't have the same level of knowledge and confidence with him as we did because she wasn't with him all the time. It wasn't as intuitive for her as it was for us. I watched my friend's 2 year old for a couple of hours recently and had to keep reminding myself that she needed watching at all times! And it really hasn't been that long since my children were that age.

It's our responsibility to do the parenting. Grandparents are babysitters. Maybe the reason your mil feeds your child chicken dippers is because she worries about her ability to watch him whilst cooking something more elaborate. Or because she wants to spend quality time with him rather than in the kitchen. Or she knows he will eat it and doesn't have to worry about returning a hungry child to you.

I'd take Liz over MP any day of the week.

Not used these myself, as my child is older, but friends buy the Annabel Karmel ones from supermarkets - still essentially a ready meal but they look less beige. Might be a good thing to stash in your freezer for when you’re having a tough day x

you are explaining it well, but you are having it completely wrong.

100% of MILs time is easy yes? So? It's irrelevant, that's how it should be.

Stop comparing and look at it the right way: He's at MIL, that means YOU are having an easy time when it's there. Period.

It's great to have ambition and want to be a good mum, that's a lovely attitude, but don't become a martyr. You are unwell, then yes, cut corners. It's pointless to try to be SuperMum. The less stressed you are about it all, the better.

it would be nice if for a little bit of the time I spend with him, I could take the easy way.
what's stopping you? Maybe re-asses your expectations and your ideas of being an ideal mum. Your kid will be happy to potter around and come and get a cuddle with you when he feels like one, he has no idea that's not part of your ideal vision.

The food is easy to solve, look at all the advice above (dad, batch cook, freezer and so on)

The BMJ link says that high screen tIme is moderately ASSOCIATED WITH other concerning things, not that it CAUSES - there’s a world of difference.

I don't really understand the moral panic about TV. It's just stories. Good quality advert free children's TV like CBeebies teaches them all kinds of things.

No, of course I'm not joking. An hour in the morning over breakfast, an hour in the evening to wind down after a full day at nursery.

You can think it's an insane amount if you want. I'll ask DS and DD whether they think it had any damaging effects when I take them back to their respective unis this weekend.

Good to see you are going to work on being more grateful because you really need to.

Agree with this. MIL is probably just giving him something different, and something to look forward to that he doesn't often get at home. My GPs used to do the same for me and I loved it!
Op your son has a loving Granny who wants to spend time with him. She is worth her weight in gold and your son will benefit.
My dc are older now but looking back, many of the parenting rules that I thought were absolutely non negotiable have been completely debunked. By the time op is a granny, everything will be different again

Plenty of people leave the TV on in the background.

I’m also disabled, and I don’t begrudge my parents giving DD fish fingers and alphabites when they look after her, even though I too rely on freezer food. They’re doing me a massive favour. If she’s fed warm and loved, having freezer food several times a week is fine. I send a healthy snack box with fruit and veg in with hoummus and yogurt. She has low UPF breakfasts and so on. I think you need to let it go. her giving freezer food doesn’t mean you can’t. Alternatively I batch cook so I essentially have homemade ready meals. We also do easy teas like homemade baked beans, cheese and tomato pasta with the Jamie Oliver seven veg sauce that I batch, egg and soldiers, and so on. You’ve got this.

Thank you very much to the posters who have taken the time to actually read my posts and appreciate the complex realities and nuances. Some of you have made me very emotional and given me some really good advice.

And @Crazycatlady79 wait until you hear about the weeks DD spent in a hospital bed - that was 12 hours a day!

I think OP I would put him in full time childcare so you can have those shortcuts that are so vital to you..
There's no other way around it if she won't feed them your prepared food or cut down on TV.
I found with my toddler what stopped the constant asking for TV was cutting it out completely for a while and then we reintroduced it less often and it stopped that.

M&S do kids ready meals too.

But you don't even need these, just really easy options like pasta/pesto/sweetcorn or a jacket potato and cheese.

In fairness, why would kids even need to watch one hour tv in the morning?
You don't need tv to "wind down" either.

My kids didn't watch tv at that age, and didn't miss it - neither did I, and I am the least involved parent 😂

But even nurseries have tv and let kids watch them at some point...

Unless you are able to spend every hour looking after your child then I think you have to allow for these little differences, it's not all day every day it's 2 short afternoons a week and nothing she is doing will actually be detrimental or harmful to your son.

Are you anticipating not being ‘chronically ill’ when you become a grandparent then?

It doesn’t have to be chicken nuggets on the nights you’re unable to cook though. What about jacket potato with beans or something on, that’s easy to make. Or simply beans on toast. Or sausage and sweet potato chips….bot grwt admittedly but you’re getting some variety. Or why not have a kids ready meal in the fridge, just in case, there’s a range called Little Dish that aren’t horrendous and have veggie in, we keep one in the fridge as an emergency for if we’re late finishing work, it takes less then 2 minutes to cook and I usually do some frozen sweetcorn or peas with it. Or pre-make a few meal that you can quickly heat up if need. There are plenty of quick and easy alternatives to an oven tea.