DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

Fish fingers are pretty healthy as foods go
Oven chips can be made healthy if you make from scratch - you could put some in your MILs freezer.
Ditto chicken nuggets or you could buy breaded chicken fillets instead of the cheap nuggets.
Pizza is or can be made to be fairly healthy too.

So op needs to prepare food and take it with him then on those days. I'd be prepared for being told to sod off if they sit and tell her that she can no longer give oven food on her afternoon and have to cook from Scratch, it's nuggets and chips ffs

Give yourself some grace too. You're mum. You can be a bit slack, you can bung the tv on and do beige dinners when needed. You don't need to try to make up for mil not being a 'perfect' caregiver. Being a mum isn't about aiming for perfection, it's about developing a healthy and loving relationship with your child. A bit of tv and unhealthy food is no big deal. Making your child feel secure and loved, and being present is key. Getting a reasonable amount of nutrition and exercise but there's not some perfect formula to aim for. I think you need to be kinder to yourself and take mil out the equation.

I think this is the key, you see mil's role as balancing out where you struggle. Instead remove her from this. Let her be her perfectly imperfect self and do the same for yourself. Your son is safe, loved, fed, warm and gets enough attention to develop well. That's enough.

Yes.

One child had Free Willie continously. The other had George of the Jungle every single bloody day. But we also read books, we did colouring books, we chatted, we went for walks to look at wildlife, birds and flowers, we played with dolls and jigsaws. It's all about moderation. They both did exceptionally well at A levels and both still love to read books. Neither has continued to need any film on repeat since being a teenager.

EDIT - oh, reread 😂 Yes they asked for it but it's down to parents to say no. Same with sweets. You say no, you distract, you manage their expectations, hopes and wants.

At 2, mine probably watched 2+ hours a day (more for my youngest) on weekdays and substantially more at weekends.

I don't remember them asking for it to be on as it was usually on in the background anyway. They also spent a lot of time playing in the living room (with toys and doing role play), totally ignoring the TV, despite it being on at the time. Perhaps because I didn't make it a scarce resource so the fascination with it wasn't there? Plus, sometimes I had the TV on for me because children need to learn to play by themselves and having constant adult interaction means they don't learn to occupy themselves - meant I could be in the same room without being bored out of my mind playing with a toddler!

Twice a week for a few hours is not going to do him any harm. Make him a packed lunch/tea to take with him if you're not happy about the food she gives him. Generally I would say be grateful for the free childcare and don't complain.

OP pick your battles this is not one. Just let it go is he happy and safe with granny on the 2 afternoons is much more important than a couple of chicken nuggets and TV. He will learn more from the cuddles and love he get from you & grandma than any TV show btw

I think you are losing your point here. An average afternoon on cbeebies has alphablocks, number blocks, colour blocks , graces amazing machines, Andy's aquatic adventures, something special - all high quality educational programming. Yes there's some hey duggee and supertato but you just look like you're splitting hairs.

The true issue here is that you are ill and run ragged and you are projecting the resentment onto your MIL.

You need to stay in your lane and think about how you could adapt to make your days easier. And frankly, lose the shame about the 'shortcuts' or taking it easy. All too soon and your son will be in school so just enjoy him.

Don't feel guilty, it’ll all work out in the end. I had four kids in close succession and was exhausted, so yeah CBeebies and chicken nuggets made up a lot of their childhood. They’ve turned out absolutely brilliantly, 2 have good jobs, one’s at Russell group (🤣) uni and the other is about to go travelling. The years I spent worrying about if I was good enough for them and if I could’ve done better. But they were fine. They are fine. I was good enough.
As long as you are doing other stuff with him, reading books etc and giving him some healthy meals, the bad stuff doesn’t negate that.
Chill out, let him enjoy his time at Granny’s and let him watch a bit of tv, it won’t ruin him. I promise.

The all day, every day thing is just parenting! It’s up to you and your DH to do it, not MIL (and yes, I totally relate to the health condition factor)
I bet your son will look back on his time with MIL extremely fondly when he’s older. She’s making memories with him in her own way and I bet she sees your resentment which is so sad.
He’ll be round hers for a chippy tea and TV when he’s in his teens and he’ll love it!

Can I just point out - that as the Mum, I obviously look after my son every day, all week, every week etc.

Oh for goodness sake, @Chilliinitiative, you're his mother. That's your actual role.

You post about this like it wasn't entirely down to your choices. You chose to have a child. He didn't turn up out of the blue. You also choose to work, have some childcare and use free childcare from your inlaws. You also choose to not use television when he's with you and to get your knickers in a knot over chicken nuggets or fish fingers more than twice a week.

You have a chronic condition. So do I, so do millions of parents. We get on with it as best we can, spend our spoons as wisely as possible and don't criticise the devoted family members providing free childcare for how they do so.

When you're 61, look at your own energy levels and think back to this post. I expect you'd laugh rather hollowly.

I agree with this. At his friend's house DS gets unlimited Peppa Pig. At home he gets 'haha don't be silly, we don't watch TV in the morning!'.

Why are you seeing tv and oven food as shortcuts? I would class chips, chicken nuggets amd a side of veg that's been prepared at home as junk food. Your making your own life harder

Is it because he isn't offered it often?
I wonder if this is like the sweets and chocolate thing, children who aren't allowed them go onto binge as teens and adults because they can.

I do pay for childcare most of the week. Obviously MIL is saving us money by having him and I do appreciate that. I could pay more and put him in nursery full time. However there are always politics around this as MIL would definitely be offended and would miss her time with DS.

I think you just need to do this, to be honest. She can be as offended as she likes but if she’s sticking him in front of the TV then I wouldn’t entertain the “but I’ll miss our time” argument. It sounds like your husband has brought up the issues this is causing and she has brushed him off, so two more afternoons at nursery it is.

I get where you are coming from because I sometimes feel the same about my MIL. But I don't think you can really say or do much as she's not doing anything dangerous. Maybe if there's a particular programme you would like to avoid or sort of food?

Is your MIL the sort to take your son out when its nicer weather? Just wondering if the weather might be a factor at the moment.

I don't think you can dictate how they take care of him when he is in their care. As long as they aren't neglecting him or putting him at risk,which they aren't, then I think you have to let them manage however they see fit. It's tiring taking care of a 20 month old at any age but that triedness does increase as you get older.

I do see where you are coming from though as my sister has a chronic illness and my mum minds her kids 2 days a week. She is slightly younger than your mil but makes sure my nieces get homecooked meals for tea. Their afternoon meals are quick so things like sandwiches, wraps a jacket potato rather than nuggets and chips. This is partly because we had homecooked meals as children, usually leftovers the next day and so it's just the norm to my mum. She also appreciates that when dsis is struggling she will give the kids oven food so tries to avoid it when they are on her time.

FWIW, my lovely granny used to plonk me in front of Thundercats with a can of coke for weekends at a time. I've got a PhD now. Just anecdotal but this existential dread of the telly really doesn't make sense to me. If I were your MIL and you started on with all this I'd be pretty stunned by the ingratitude tbh.

Why make your life so difficult?

I agree with others comments regarding cooking your toddlers food and sending him with. meal for GP to simply reheat - at least granny wouldn't be cooking twice would she?
As for screen time - I hardly think TV falls into the screen time category, that is most referred to as tablets, PC's etc. If he is watching 30 minutes out of a 4 hours visit I dont see that you have much to complain about.
Alternatively, pay a qualified childminder.

OP, unless you are finding that your son is having health or behavioural issues connected to the food/screen time, I think you need to cut both your MIL and yourself some slack.

My DD is the same age as your DS. She has a lot more screen time than what you have described in your post (no tablet, just the TV, and a lot of the time she just likes it on in the background while she plays, she isn’t glued to it constantly) and I would actually be incredibly grateful if she would eat some oven food, and we’re having serious problems getting her to eat anything outside of a handful of foods.

I think with the rise of social media and the mountains of available information (both factual and not so factual) floating around on the web, there is so much pressure on parents these days to do this, don’t do that, etc etc. Unfortunately, Mumsnet is also very guilty of this. If you dare to allow screen time or allow your child a chicken nugget, there will be posters here down your throat, and so once again the pressure to be the ‘perfect parent’ appears.

I realised very quickly with my daughter that so many of these things that I ‘should’ be doing, simply do not work for her. At first, I found myself panicking, stressed all the time, because ‘it says she should have x and shouldn’t have y’, but then I realised that as long as she is healthy, happy, and we have a decent balance, it really, truly doesn’t matter.

2 days a week where your son has a higher than normal amount of screen time and chicken nuggets for dinner is absolutely fine. It’s not going to damage him or affect him in any significant way in the long term. And if you then need a ‘shortcut’ yourself, so it ends up being 3 or 4 days…who cares? It’s all about balance. If one week 4 days of ‘shortcuts’ are needed, just try to make sure that on the other 3, he eats healthy and spends lots of time out and about being active and away from the TV.

My daughter is currently ill and has been all week, so she’s had a lot less active time and a lot more screen time than normal. Do I feel bad about it? No, absolutely not, because I know it’s what she’s needed this week, and when she’s better we’ll be back to going out and about every day, running round the park, toddler classes and soft play. It all balances out. Don’t stress.

I think you are CHOOSING to make life difficult for yourself and in danger of martyring yourself entirely unnecessarily. That's your lookout but please don't make someone else have to martyr themselves too.

I didn't like the way my MIL looked after my daughter. Lots of TV, lots of treats, rarely went outside. But she is a kind, loving grandmother and a good source of support to me. It's also for a very brief time, they start school before you know it.

Let it go.

How about looking at it from your MIL's point of view .....
I have recently retired after bringing up a family and working.my fingers to the bone for years. I was really looking forward to having a well-deserved rest taking up some new hobbies and travelling, with the few precious active years I have left.

Unfortunately all my plans and dreams have been destroyed because I have been asked to look after my grandchild two days a week. I have agreed to make this sacrifice purely because of the deep love I have for my family and especially to help out my DIL who doesn't have the best of health.
However, since this arrangement began, she has done nothing but criticise, undermine and lecture me, AIBU to tell her to sod off and find alternative childcare?