DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

So she has him 3 afternoons a week?

I'm 61, fit and healthy, have my grandchildren regularly (only a few hours every couple of weeks, and the occasional weekend - not a set routine) and, horror of horrors, we often watch some TV and meals are generally pasta, pizza or fish fingers.

We usually watch Bluey (I love Bluey), Disney films and Wallace and Grommit. We watch them together and know all the Disney songs. I did it with my DC when they were little too. It's lovely to snuggle up and watch Beauty and the Beast. However we also go to the park, do crafts, bake, read, play explorers or hotels (I'm sure your MIL does plenty of non screen activities too), and to be honest, it's knackering. I need a stiff drink and an early night after the DGC have been here, that's after the 45 mins it takes to tidy/clean all the mess we create while they're here.

My daughter and son-in-law are nothing but grateful for me having the kids. If they resented how the DGC were occupied, well then they're welcome to find alternative care. Most 60 year olds don't have the energy levels of a 40 year old - just wait until you go through menopause and see how you'd feel occupying a toddler 3 afternoons a week.

Try to a bit less uptight and a little more grateful. You'll all benefit if you can.

@OTannenbaumOTannenbaum and @ThejoyofNC Can I just point out - that as the Mum, I obviously look after my son every day, all week, every week etc. The hours I spend with my son far exceed the hours he spends with his DGM. Obviously this is how it should be, as I’m his Mum. My point is, that I spend lots of lots of hours looking after my son with no shortcuts, no screen time, no junk food etc. But especially with a chronic health condition, it would be nice if for a little bit of the time I spend with him, I could take the easy way. But I find that I can’t or I feel very guilty if I do, as those things have already been used by DMIL. So 100% of MILs time is easy. I’d like maybe 20% of my time to be easy. Does that make sense at all? Sorry if I’m not explaining it very well. My disability is a very big factor in this.

He will grow up with fine vocabulary and lots of current affairs interest. Look at it this way.

we don't own tv and discarded BBC license all together. Now our 11 year old is very sensitive to history and war topics

Kindly- you really need to chill out.

But I am obviously being unreasonable. My standards are obviously too high and I can’t expect them of anyone else.

///

Wow.

One day his grandparents won't be here. These days are precious. It's two afternoons FFS.

Why can't you just accept this free childcare on the basis it's given?

You sound nasty and judgmental and have no idea how much energy you will have to do "better" at 61.

“MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.”

This is just not fair. Your DS is your child and is primarily the responsibility of you and your DH, not your MIL. Of course MIL has more free time, she’s not a mother of a toddler! And I think you might be overestimating the energy and health of someone who is 61 and long out of the little children stage - I’m twenty years younger than that, still have primary age children myself and still would find four hours of looking after someone else’s two year old in my home by myself hard work. Child would definitely be watching a few episodes of Peppa pig at some point in the afternoon.

You also need to remember that it’s normal for toddlers to become more demanding about things like tv and fussier about food as they get a bit older. It’s a normal developmental stage and probably not caused by 30 minutes of CBeebies at Grandma’s house.

I don't think the actual time is as important as what is is and how it fits in the day.
If we are all ill it's on all day but thankfully as we are in good health generally that's not often.

We went to an aquarium and so on a lazy day later that week we watched finding Nemo and talked about all the different fish. After the film we then then got the craft box out and used glue to stick bits of tissue paper and shiny bits on paper fish. We played 'sharkbite' in the living room and chased each other.
If you didn't want to do a film you could do a similar thing with Tiddler on iPlayer.

My son really liked a nutcracker book he had. So we started playing the nutcracker music on Alexa in the living room when he was playing, ordered the story orchestra version and read it, and then that week we watched loads of videos of ballet on YouTube. He got quite keen on defeating the mouse king. We watched the gruffalos child where there is a 'big bad mouse' and read that too.

We went to the museum and the Egyptian bit had loads of interactive parts for kids- so when we got home I stuck the prince of Egypt film on. Nice nostalgia for me and DS got into it- we ended up watching it every day 5 days in a row and every day he learned more lyrics and noticed new elements in the story.

He probably watches more screen time than he is supposed to but it all feels very useful.
Maybe apart from sonic the hedgehog!

I really wouldn’t stress about this. We feed our LO a lot of as you call them, oven foods, because it’s quick, easy, she likes them and you can still get good nutrition. Honestly if this will make your health and life easier I’d oven food most days. We serve with some fresh vege and she has fresh fruit every day. I eat terribly as a child (think white bread jam sandwiches and crisps, very little fruit or veg) and as I grew I eat healthier and expanded my tastes. I really wouldn’t stress for toddlers as long as they’re getting a good nutritional mix (ie carbs, fats, protein and enough vitamins)

But that is just being a parent OP. As the saying goes, you raise your kids so that you can then spoil your grandkids.

Grandparents are there for the fun stuff, they aren’t there to do the parenting, that is your job, 100% you & your partner.

Mine didn’t watch any TV at all at that age. I can understand why you’re irritated, but if it really winds you up, then don’t let her do your childcare. Yes, it is lazy of her, giving your DC crappy food. It’s also probably too high in salt for them and setting them up to crave such junk.

But, again, if you don’t want this, then use professional childcare. Your other alternative is to be firm with your MIL and ask that she only feeds DC what you provide.

He's your child though. You chose to have him in the circumstances. You are also choosing the standards you're applying to yourself.

Your MIL is doing you a favour. There's a limit to how much you can dictate how she does that. If you want more control, you'll need to pay a nursery or a childminder.

We also watch 2 hrs TV most days, it’s only way we’d get anything done

Why can't you prepare healthy meals and freeze them for the days when you are ill OP?

That way, he will only have 'easy' meals 2 afternoons a week.

OP in my last post I mentioned energy and remembering you have spoken of your chronic condition my comment in retrospect sounded flippant. I'm sorry that wasn't my intention.

But still, it's highly likely your MIL (who may have health conditions too) still finds those afternoons extremely tiring. It's not right to apply your unrealistically high standards to her.

SO PUT HIM IN CHILDCARE THEN!! if you don't like it op, it's either change to paid childcare or you need to get over it.

That's parenting OP. You can't demand other people do things that you and his dad can't manage.

@Chilliinitiative

Im a 60 year old grandmother , have three, eldest is 18, the youngest is three, and I can assure you that I dont have the energy now to be rolling around the floor playing games with the 3 year old and Im certainly not going to battle with him to eat a balanced diet if all he wants is plain pasta and grated cheese

As a generation X, tv was our babysitter. Just be grateful they havent gone out and bought the child its first tablet or phone

We watched TV when at other homes but didn’t have a TV at home so there was no asking, but in later years when we did have a TV I just said it went off in our house at a certain time and doesn’t come back on until morning.

I sympathise, OP. I think I would just not worry about the TV as I doubt it's on for the whole time. Regarding food, the issue is probably that your in-laws eat at a different time. Is there any easy non-processed foods you could suggest?

Relax a bit - mine watched kids tv when they were little - a long time ago, Postman Pat, Bertha, Thundercats etc. These are happy memories now! They also ate fish fingers, nuggets and Spaghetti Hoops from time to time. They are now pretty well rounded adults with their own teeth

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that this is 100% something your DH should raise with his DM. 2/7 main meals a week being junk is a significant amount, even if you're feeling great the whole week and everything else is better. There's lots of research that shows that healthy habits are learned young and from the family. If his DG is always modelling lots of TV and beige food to him, your DS will be learning that this is normal.

It only makes sense if you think it’s her job to look after your kid for you. It’s not - she’s doing you a favour so you don’t get to dictate what she does or feeds him unless she’s harming him. Your standards are self imposed. Oven food is what most children eat on a regular basis outside the crunchy Waitrose middle class bubble. You could still give him that when you’re not up for cooking dinner without laying into your MIL about what she does.

I think you're taking out your upset about your health condition on your MIL. A better way to look at it would be to be happy that you have family members who love your son enough to look after him. As long as he's happy there, that's all that matters.

If he ends up having oven food 3 times in a week then so be it, make up for it when and how you can. You've had a lot of good suggestions around freezing healthy meals etc for when you're not feeling up to cooking.

As far as TV is concerned, 30 minutes out of 4 hours seems reasonable to me. Even for a young person, chasing a toddler around is exhausting and she probably just needs a break.

I understand you're trying to be a good parent and do things by the book, but life can't be run that way. Give yourself some slack and you'll feel better.

But its not down to MIL to make your life 20% easier

Did she agree to be co -parent when you and DH decided to have a child?

There’s a lot of judgement towards someone who is doing you a MASSIVE favour. Lots of suggestions from you about what she should be doing better, but it’s fine for you to do it because youre “struggling”?

How about on your good days you batch cook?