Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

[ThePond]

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

the space under the stairs? Our version of that has been ripped out to store the washing machine, tumble dryer and dishwasher. The kitchen is tiny so I get why they did it - only room for a washing machine at best and then no cupboards.

Having some private physical space is a feminist issue.
A Room of One's Own

I meant not walking away and shutting yourself off without saying "I'm just shutting myself off for a bit". Be weird to just walk off and say nothing at all and go missing for an hour.

there are two really deep mains drains in that space unfortunately and it would make the bathroom windowless - both of which the architect took a really dim view of when we suggested it.

Just revert back to separate rooms, might cost 1/2k if you can save for that.

I hear you too.

I finally got fed up and took over our spare room, as we were fortunate to have one. We no longer need it for visiting parents, and I got fed up of keeping a room 'spare'.

There was grumbling, particularly from my DH as he had planned a man cave filled with man toys and hoped for a train set or similar. I said he already had a big office and could work out how to fit his stuff in there. I was fed up of having to my filing and taxes on the sofa or on the bed.

I've since been downgraded to a smaller non en-suite, our daughter took over that room, but even so people keep using my space as a dumping ground. And calling it 'spare'. It's not spare. I've renamed it 'my office'. It might have the tiniest desk and a small bed for when DH snores or long distance friends need to stay. But it's mine. And I mark my territory with my yet unfiled paperwork all over my bed.

We're moving house so I can have my own bedroom and I've never been happier - married woman with a kid who just prefers sleeping alone.

Get a shed.

I was going to say the same. Many of my friends have also carved out a room in the house (sometimes due to snoring/ incompatible sleeping patterns).

I think the world is divided into those who like some space and those who don't.

Are you working from home too? Can you go into the office more? It sounds like you need some time alone but it doesn't have to be in your house.

I feel your pain. I did up a downstairs room to be "my" room and it was commandeered by DS2 for tv.

Did up the kitchen and added a sofa now everyone joins me in there!! I need my own space!!!!

Now the adult DCs have their own homes I have the third bedroom as initially my office but, now retired, it’s my crafts room. I also had a summerhouse built last summer so I actually have two spaces that are generally all mine. I absolutely get where the OP is coming from.In my case it’s saved my sanity.

OP, it is perfectly reasonable to have a calm chat with husband first then kids.
Decide first what works for you.
Showers during the week, baths at weekends.
No showers after 8pm.
Tell husband how you feel that you are feeling the lack of down time and space.

Any good decent adult man should be able to understand this.

This is about basic consideration for you, just asking for a bit of space and privacy.

My husband will sometimes say that he is going up for a snooze.
I have done likewise.
Its a bit of time out in a busy home.

How about you have a safe word that the family know you are taking time out.

In our house, my bedroom door means I'm having time out.
Unless they are on fire, they know to let me be.

You need to do likewise.
Mind yourself.

Do you have two living rooms?
I don’t, live alone is that the answer, maybe?

I had this exact conversation with DH recently. I said I wanted even just a cupboard to sit in alone, I find sharing my personal space to be excruciating at times. I now tell dh I need some time alone so has the chance to take anything he might need from his room and gives me an hour. I then lock the door, he is fine with it and understands it's important for me.

I recently banned my kids from using the en suite, they have their bathroom with a shower over the bath and they were told they could grow up move out buy a house and then they can have an ensuite!! They protested a bit but it's worked out fine.

I still would rather a room to myself but it's the best I can do.

I'm suggesting getting rid of the downstairs bathroom and if you build a two storey extension (so ground floor and upstairs) what is now the back of the house would be reconfigured to have the bedrooms and a family bathroom upstairs and you would still be able to utilise the drains and possibly have the bathroom with windows too - just takes a bit of imagination. I'll try to draw it later and upload what I'm suggesting as I'm on my way out for dinner this evening

Also, plenty of houses have windowless bathrooms but they do have excellent extractor fans!

I hear you OP. Before we separated, I would get so annoyed at H commandeering not only the tiny third bedroom (only one child) but also taking over the lounge all weekend. At one point we were considering converting the garage, and he declared it would be his music room. I pointed out if it was his room, I wouldn't be putting my money into the building of it.

Does it have to be a room with a closing door. Can you take a corner of the living room or dining room? Get a chaise and a screen. Have a talk with your family that when you put the screen in front of the chaise, it is your time to decompress and recharge.

I understand what you mean about sometimes needing somewhere you can be alone. I’m also perimenopausal and I find that I need more time to myself than I did before. I work in a profession that requires a lot of interaction with people. I also have a lot of talkative teenagers and a very talkative DH. I love them all more than life, but sometimes I need a bit of time to myself.

We don’t have any spare rooms in our current house. Everyone is also sharing bedrooms, but they are pretty good sized bedrooms. I’ve created spaces for each of us to retreat to when we need alone time. My space is a chaise in the corner. Everyone knows that when I go there, usually for about 20-30 minutes a few times a week, that I am decompressing and they leave me alone.

We've discussed this.. love my husband to bits but hate sharing me sleeping space!

I love sharing with DH and struggle to sleep without him, however recently he has begun to snore and the spare bed is winking at me 😆

Could you put the walls back in downstairs soits not open plan anymore?

That's why I won't buy and open plan house. I love the versatility of a dining room being whatever room you need most. Would you want to put that wall back in?

Get one of those fire door things that shits the door automatically. That way when husband leaves it open it will just shut itself. Maybe consider some floor to ceiling built in storage to hide the clutter? I've got a wall of Kallax units that hold sooo much but look so tidy as it's all hidden in smart boxes. There is even a hack where people use kallax to divide a room. You could section off a corner of the bedroom or living room to hide in.

You could look into a better loft ladder so you can hide up there when husband not using it. I once had one that was like a mini staircase that folded down nothing like a ladder but fit in a normal loft hatch opening. It was very steep though.

How old are your teens? Maybe you don't have long until one of them is off at uni or moved out so you can use their empty room for some space.

Ultimately I think you should talk to your husband. Phrase it all about how you feel and make sure you say you love him. Don't let him feel rejected.

I think you'd be surprised how much difference keeping the teens out will make as a start, by putting the shower above the bath as many have said. Your bedroom probably feels like an open house and you're focusing on your husband because he's there the most, but cut the access down to you two as step one.

Why don't you book yourself into a cheap hotel every now and then to just have a glass or wine and read some magazines and a night's sleep on your own. I know a few friends who ask for hotel vouchers as their birthday or Christmas presents....the gift of time and space. Even just a Travelodge etc....works a treat for feel refreshed .

This is the type of thing I'm suggesting (sincere apologies to all architects out there - this isn't as easy a thing to draw as I thought)

So downstairs gets extended from the existing kitchen wall all the way outside across the width of the property. Your new kitchen space will encompass the footprint of the old downstairs WC/Bathroom. You install partition walls between the new kitchen and what will become your craft space/den. The living and dining rooms remain as is.

Upstairs, the master bedroom remains as is.
As you're extending at the back, the second bedroom now moves to be over the downstairs craft space and Bed 3 moves over the new kitchen. That leaves you with space at the top of the stairs which could house the bathroom or you could use space over the dining room as the new family bathroom. You could also switch Bedroom 3 with the new space that has been made by moving Bedroom 2 further back and then where I have shown Bed 3 in the image would be the new bathroom (with window) and you would have an electric over the bath shower (or you could have a smaller bath and a shower cubicle - depending on space).
I've also indicated that you could have a hotpress/storage area at the top of the stairs.

All of this though would depend on planning permission and how much you could afford to do and it is a very vague drawing by someone who has zero knowledge of plumbing or electrics/gas lines. But it does show that if you look at the floor plan of your house as a blank canvas, you really could do anything you want with the house you have.

Or you could move to a bigger home - that's always an option, maybe???

You need a summerhouse! There are often free/cheap ones on marketplace if you have transport.
I have a tiny one, painted it and decked it out with goodies and plants, just how I like it.
I spend loads of time there just chilling, reading, having quiet time.