Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

[ThePond]

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

Ah right well that's good! It's hard living in close quarters at times, you just have to plan your me time and communicate it.

So 'hey guys I'm watching a film this evening so please anyone who wants showers etc get of sorted now I want peace from 7 til 10pm'.
Just tell them.

I can really understand this OP. I’m now a single parent following a divorce (also lived with exh before marriage). I couldn’t go back now to not having my own bedroom and my own space. I’m like a dog who needs a retreat!

So... what if a person doesn't happen to have anything to say at a given moment? Are they supposed to say 'I'm going now' just to have something to say? Seems a bit redundant.

I have actually had this conversation with my DH. He has a home office, kids all have their rooms. I’m the only one without their own space. It drives me nuts sometimes.

My DH recognises that sometimes when I’m watching tv in the open plan living room, I actually am having some me time and he goes off to his office to potter.

Just wanted to say that it’s not just you.

There’s also a real introvert v extrovert thing on this thread. Extroverts aren’t going to get it.

go in the living room or kitchen
also , very unreasonable. You have only 2 kids and 3 bedrooms and additional room in the loft. Not many people have this

I'm not so sure. We all want and need solitude from time to time. The practicalities of living with others mean this isn't easy. The op has said she hasn’t broached this with anyone. I think it is entirely possible and reasonable to just tell spouses, kids whatever that you're watching tv and want a bit of peace.

Yes this is true. I thought when the title said 'everyone has a room except me' it was going to be about someone in a 2 bed flat sleeping on a bed settee in the living room so the 3 kids had bedfooms.

Is that a big cupboard with a window downstairs? Could it be repurposed as your personal den? Or are you after something bigger?

If so, what about installing folding doors across the open plan bit to close it back off when you want to?

Based on the floor plan, am I to understand that the extent of your back garden area/yard would be if you were able to draw a line extending to the right of the galley kitchen and towards the downstairs bathroom? Is that it? Do you use that space for anything, do you sit out in it in the summer?

If you don't use it for anything (except for the bins) I'd seriously consider extending the house to use it. You paid for it, you might as well use it.
If you got planning permission, you could extend out that distance on the ground floor and upper floor and you could install an upstairs bathroom (rather than just have the downstairs bathroom) and the space it would release downstairs could be made into a lovely snug for you.

I totally get you @ThePond, I'm at the stage of life now where I don't need to be supervising the children all the time, so they often play or watch TV together, and now I am cherishing some alone time after all the years of having children glued to me.

My husband knows that when I have the bedroom door closed tight, that I'd like him to knock first. He's got his office that he can spend time in alone (it used to be a room for me but he took it over when he started WFH and my hobbies that I did in there have gone to pot as he's moved all of my things into hard to reach places now). So that is now his room, despite me asking for it to be a shared room that I can use when he's not using it.

Asking my DH to knock before entering the closed bedroom door does not mean my marriage is in trouble or I dislike my husband (are the people commenting these things actually for real??). It simply means that as a woman who has spent years childbearing and child-raising, I now deserve to have some peace and alone time. I still love all of my children and DH. But I'm a healthier person if I've had some alone time.

OP you are not a bad person for needing some space. As long as your DH is a reasonable man, please just talk to him about your need for some alone time at this stage in your life, and that you'd really appreciate if he closed the door behind him and respected your need to have some quiet alone time in there without being disturbed. Any normal person will respect this reasonable request.

It really won't cost much to install a shower over the bath, that's very easy, quick and inexpensive solution to the other issue.

Maybe the house is just too small for you all now, and it's you that's really feeling it most?

OP, I completely and totally get it. I am lucky - if I wander upstairs to the bedroom, DH might come in, but he instinctively understand that I don't want to be disturbed so he'll grab whatever he needs and leave again. And our bedroom, while messy (me, not him) is the nicest room in our house so it does feel like a sanctuary.

Having said that, a few other tips - definitely get a shower over the bath. I've never had a freestanding shower since I moved to England. You get perfectly good ones, very comfortable, great showers. This might not be an option for you but our ensuite in the loft actually has its own door. So there's a landing, then the door to the bedroom and door to the bathroom. Absolutely genius suggestion from my sister when we built the loft and it has been life changing to stop that feeling of everyone traipsing in and out of the bathroom.

A few years ago, with a not dissimilar lay out to you, we actually abandoned the dining room as a dining room. It's more or less open to the kitchen and it now has a small couch in there. I like to sit there sometimes with my ipad to watch something or to read a book - usually in the mornings when everyone is doing other things or later int he evening after dinner. we do still have a dining table but it's in the lounge and tucked out of the way.

Also, for me, the kitchen is sort of my space - I have complete control over it which is half the battle. So yes, others are using it, but I decide what is there, how it is set up etc etc. And I can kick people out whenever I want to! Of course, that works as I'm also chief cook and meal planner (by choice) so even if DH is doing chores at the same time as I'm cooking dinner it's hanging up washing or changing bedding or sorting DC.

Oh God - I get you OP!

My DH WFH virtually full time since lockdown. My DCs are probably older than yours - one graduated in the summer and is back home until he can get a grad job (probably September!), the other is still at uni, but the holidays are long.
DH virtually never goes out - no friends or hobbies.

I WFH but have always done so since the DCs were young. There is no office - I do freelance consultancy.

Some days it seems as though they have all actually planned things - as soon as 1 decides to actually go and do something, the next one comes into the room.
I have nowhere to do my hobbies, or do admin, or just sit and read.

I honestly can't remember the last time I spent any time alone, relaxing or doing what I want. Some days it really is unbearable.

Put the living room wall back. Put a shower in the bathroom.

You've already said the kids are in their rooms, your H is in his attic, you can have the living room to yourself.

Put a shower in the bathroom so your bedroom is your own too.

Might sound a bit mad but are there any allotments available?

Plant some autumn fruiting raspberries (minimal work: plant, harvest fruit in autumn, prune down to just above ground level, rinse and repeat).

Our allotment was my personal space. Over the years DH has got involved but now I have a polytunnel and the DCs are leaving home so I also have a sewing room.

My DCs have shown zero interest in coming to the allotment except very occasionally to pick strawberries.

I think this might be more about your bedroom being like Piccadilly Circus and the open plan downstairs than you not having a private space. As PPs have said it's normal not to. But you need a bit more cosiness/hygge going on somewhere maybe.

We have a lot of doors in our house. I think open plan is overrated, especially when you have older kids. It might be OTT but consider putting the wall back between living and dining, and having a kitchen diner and separate living room. But also it's completely reasonable to talk to the family about giving you peace and space in your room. The kitchen is too small as it stands to give you any rest and privacy from whatever is going on in the living room.

See if there's a way to reimagine the dining room. Do you actually eat at the table frequently (some families don't) or could you get an extendable/drop leaf table and get yourself some space?

Is part of the issue being exposed when the door is open - what do you want to do in the space that's yours? For example I'm mostly at a computer so all I would need is a desk positioned in a way that I was facing the room, rather than people being able to creep up behind me. But maybe it's a sofa or a comfy chair you need. Personally I'd take over the dining room or look into the teeny tiny garden things you can get.

I was going to suggest this, put the living room wall back up, the front room becomes a snug and the back room is the kitchen dining area.

I don't think my DH has ever barged into our bedroom, he knocks if I'm in there during the day (non sleeping times). Bar the toddler who shares a room with us non of the kids come in either.

Space is important, just put some boundaries in place.

load of bollocks

Im so lucky op, we have a garage, DH has that as his space. We have done it up as a play room, has a bar, snooker table etc and he spends hours down there building his models, making "stuff" Also has the tumble drier and the dog stuff :)

And thats great, but a room of my own? Im very fortunate, we have a large hot press, probably the size of a box room. So Ive commandeered that. I still have the linen in there, but I also have my desk, my nail stuff, my yarn - and no bugger is allowed in there

I think its important to have "own space", a space where you can have your own bits about you as you like, a space where you dont have to consider anyone else but yourself

Me and DH are semi retired, we spend loads of time together, we also like to have our own space

https://www.next.co.uk/style/st578948/355406
Above or similar to suit your garden/budget. Nice project y to sort it out to your taste. Good electric shower in the bathroom. Tv in the living room and get proper schedule in place for the kids.

I would find out when you’re starting to feel annoyed.

Is it as soon as you come home from work or in the evening?

Before he WFH was there a gap between you being home and him coming home?

If he’s working all day and then spending a lot of time in his study, then I’m wondering how often this is happening.

I think putting a shower in the bathroom would really help. Then the kids won't be coming in and out of your bedroom and it will make a huge difference.

I'm a similar age and my DH also WFH full-time. I found I really needed the house to myself from time to time and so DH now goes to a co-work space one day a week, and this is my day to "breathe" a bit (well, for the hours the kids are at school). It's the one day I WFH myself. It was very hard for me to ask him to leave the house, it felt totally unreasonable and he did initially feel resentful to be kicked out of his own house.

But with a lot of discussion he's come to realise I need it, as I was really unhappy never having the house to myself. Going out for a few hours alone isn't the same, oddly.

(I'd echo the people on here who suggested putting a shower above the bath too. And maybe remove the TV from the bedroom and have a no-devices-upstairs policy? And a policy of: if the door is closed I need a bit of time to myself?) He sounds like a reasonable man who can put himself in your shoes.