Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

[ThePond]

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

Is your garden big enough for a summerhouse? They come in all sizes. I got an enormous one on Ebay for 1K and put insulation and wall panels in
I've moved since but it was the best thing ever, I had a woodburner, electricity and a reclining armchair. It got me through the menopause without killing anyone. 😂

I like my car for this reason. Its my own space. Sometimes when I get home I park up and sit there listening to music or whatever is on Radio 4. If my husband and the kids notice I am back, they come out onto the drive and look at me quizzically.

I’m not sure how relevant it is but his den thing isn’t just a cubicle that he works in anymore. It’s full of instruments and boys toys and he actively likes to be up there when he doesn’t strictly need to be. So I know he gets it, up to a point.
To be clear, I’m never denied any time alone and everyone gets along just fine. I’ve just recently come to want a haven like everyone else here has. And as this is currently impossible it’s unreasonable. Our bedroom is pleasant enough but he’s got piles of books and papers and bits and bobs on his side, and has every right to - it’s his bedroom. It’s not messy, it’s neatly organised, but it’s hardly feng shui. I’ve got stuff on my side too - cook books and odds and ends that I clear out sometimes. If I suddenly started advocating minimalism in our bedroom I’d actually be asking for something he a) never saw coming and b) something he’d struggle with. As I say, it’s not untidy, but everyone treats our bedroom as a second living room. Until very recently all four of us would sit in there to watch films or Friday night telly and it was lovely. The kids have withdrawn a bit as they’ve got older but they still like to watch 8 out of 10 cats or whatever with us every so often. I don’t think there is a solution without magicking another room because I’m not craving down time by myself - that’s freely available, but my own tiny bit of territory I think.

This would drive me nuts- I think agree with your husband after a certain time if he wants to watch stuff etc he needs to go downstairs or to his loft room. The kids can go to their rooms. We have two sitting rooms and a spare bedroom and my introversion still sees me hiding in my bed sometimes.

Isn’t he letting out the heat every time he leaves the door open?

We try to limit the heating to just mornings and evenings and really rely on closed doors to retain heat.

Is this your forever home @ThePond ?

If it is, I'd do everything in my power to reconfigure the layout so that it works for everyone in the family and not simply the majority of people.

If that means that you get a shower installed over the bath, then do that. At least that will curtail anyone walking in claiming they need to have a shower in the en suite.
Then I would try to work out the layout so that you can have a craft room (or snug or similar), enough for books, a sofa and a decent floor lamp with some electrical points so that you can plug in a laptop or television or whatever. Is there anywhere that this space could be found downstairs? Anywhere that you could set up a small room to become your study and you have a door to it? If there isn't space yet, you say you have a handkerchief of a back garden, could you use any of the space there and get it built on to the house (subject to planning permission).

The alternative would be to get a sign that you can hang outside your bedroom door saying Mum needs to be left alone for the next 1-2 hours.

I'm guessing that if it comes down to cost, your DH will go for the latter and not bat an eyelid about it and your marriage will be just fine!

If your

In your shoes I would get a shower over the bath, remove tv from your bedroom - communal viewing can be done downstairs, if you want to watch TV in bed you do it on a tablet - and invest in a “Please Do Not Disturb” sign. Explain the sign to your DH before using. If he’s decent he will get it.

TOTALLY get this. My MH has massively improved since I got my “own” office at home where I can leave stuff (not just work related stuff) out and it doesn’t get touched / annoy others.
is there anyway you can carve out a nice space for yourself, even a cosy little shed?

YANBU.

Fortunately, we have enough rooms for everyone to have their own space. I quite often close myself in a room with a bottle of wine and watch what I want, whilst DH is in another and the kids are gaming in their rooms.

Everyone needs time alone now and then. Close the door and hang a keep out sign off the handle... joking, not joking.

I could have written this OP. My kids have their own bedrooms, their private space decorated in their choice with their stuff.

DH has the study because he worked FT and I worked PT. Now we both work PT but he has the study still because it's been his for years now.

I have no space that is just mine. Nowhere my specific things that I can retreat to. I have half the master bedroom but DH is messy and leaves his crap absolutely everywhere and the kids are constantly in and out.

I just want a sanctuary!

I think you need to install a shower in the main bathroom and DH could make his loft space more appealing, so that he can go there if he wants to but the main thing here is communication!
He doesn't even know you're irritated that he comes into the bedroom, so how does he know not to do that?!
You don't need an elaborate flounce off to the bedroom, just a quiet, 'Just going upstairs for a bit of quiet. See you in a bit'.

You need one of those fancy sheds everyone bought early in Covid. Dominator Insulated Garden Office 4.5m x 2.5m | Dunster House

Why can’t he watch TV downstairs or in his man cave? The only time I watch TV in bed is if I’m ill and watching on my iPad. We don’t have any TV’s in the bedrooms.

I feel for you OP. I hate feeling cooped up with no privacy and find hotel bedrooms quite restrictive for that reason.

We moved out of a city to somewhere very rural so that we could afford a much bigger house and garden and I highly recommend it. We all have our own hobby rooms inc. the teenager which is handy as he plays bass guitar with a loud amplifier. Nearest neighbour is about half a mile away. Our bedrooms are just for sleeping in.

I don't know but I feel your pain! I Like to relax sometimes, watch tv in peace, maybe fall asleep and have a nap.. everyone is in and out the room all the time for something, sets the dog off jumping round every time, leaving doors wide open so the noise comes in, or closing them completely so the dog suddenly decided he wants out.. drives me insane. I had thought of a garden hide out myself to be fair, but don't really want to spend the money 🫣

Can you draw us a floor plan please? I bet there is something that can be done.

My house is a 3 bed semi ex local authority, reasonable size double, slightly stingy double, box room. Open plan ground floor. Two tiny gardens. Loft full of crossing structural beams apart from one bit in the centre that’s now an odd box structure - looks quite alien 🙂 not enough landing space for a loft conversion - we had loads of architects round and they all said it wasn’t feasible. Ho hum. I guess I just have to stop moaning. Maybe buy a camper van.

I have also felt this irritation, and forgive me but I haven’t read everyone’s responses, have you looked into HRT?
it definitely helped me not want to poke my husband in the eye.

How old are the kids?

You need to to do two things.

A. Sort out a shower for above the bath, and
B. Talk to your husband.

If he has no idea that you have an issue, he can't help solve the issue.

We have a similar situation in our house. DD has her own room, I have the "office" because I work from home and also game on my computer, play the piano etc, and it has various geeky posters etc in there that I like and DP doesn't. DP has the bedroom.

I get a quarter of a wardrobe and a bedside table in there, and she graciously let's me sleep in it ;) , but it's very much her space. It's full of her stuff, it's decorated to her tastes, and it's where she escapes to if she wants some space.

And yes, really it's "ours", but if the doors shut I always knock gently, and if I get a bugger off or no response then I leave her to it. I don't feel rejected or annoyed or anything like that because I get that people need peace and quiet sometimes.

Admittedly she's always had occasional debilitating migraines, so maybe the letting her have her space has come from that, and had that not been an issue we'd have had an actual conversation about it.

But right now, you need to have the conversation, because you've built up an issue in your head that may not even be an issue. Have the conversation, and go from there.

This isn’t our house but it’s a previously identical one in our street. Ours is open plan downstairs
but the galley kitchen remains.

Sorry but I don't think it is the ensuite, the teens, the disturbances when you want any me time that is the problem. You just don't seem to like your dh.

So rather than trying to think how to politely keep him out why don't you try to spend more tome together and see if you can learn to enjoy his company again.
So, watch tv together. Chill together?

@ThePond I understand what you mean much better since your recent posts. No solutions for you, but glad you could vent on mumsnet and maybe someone can use your floor plan and come up with some ideas for you ❤️

It must be the hysterical womb 🙄

I adore my husband and we do everything together. I’m sorry I didn’t explain myself well enough for that to come across. I’m mainly worried about this situation because I don’t enjoy feeling irritated with him. He’s a lovely, kind man.

Oh what bollocks.

Everyone needs time alone occasionally, no matter how much they love their partner. Solitude is good for the soul.