Everyone has a room of their own except me and it’s bothering me.

[ThePond]

I can’t change it but it’s getting me down. 3 bedroom house. Two kids. Husband now permanently working from home since they shut the local office so he’s fashioned a sort of den in the loft
out of plaster board to work in which he’s actually made quite comfy after a few years. I hate ladders and will only go up there if it’s essential so I rarely see it but it’s not at all bad with a desk and a nice chair in front of the little window up there.
Kids have their own rooms.
Our bedroom is like Piccadilly Circus. The en-suite has the only shower (bathroom has bath) so everyone wants to use it, which is fine and doesn’t bother me that much but it’s frustrating occasionally to not be able to change clothes when I want because a teenager is having an everything shower that could last into next week.

My major problem is that I can never just be on my own. I can’t ban my husband from his own bedroom and if I shut the door he will just barge in whenever the need takes him and then leave again leaving it open. He likes to watch telly stretched out in bed (I do too sometimes) but if I decide I want lights out I have to ask him to stop doing something rather than just call it a night and leave him downstairs to his own devices.

its always been this way and was only a mild irritant but I’m now perimenopausal and I often find myself desperately wanting to just be alone. I find it irrationally irritating now that he will just walk in through a shut door without thought, despite the fact it’s his bedroom and he has every right to. If he shut the door on me and told me to keep out I’d be unhappy about that so I’ve never said anything. If I said “I need a bit of space for an hour” he’d kiss me and say see you later . That’s not the point. I want to excuse myself without fanfare, shut a door and come out when I want, the way the kids can. The way he can in the loft. Everyone in this house has somewhere to go but me.

AIBU to tell him a shut marital bedroom door effectively means he can’t come in? Is that a horrid thing to say to a spouse?

I think you need to create some rules around your bedroom space.

• Perhaps in the first instance, remove the television and say to your husband if he wants to watch television for long period. He could be downstairs or in his den.
• Say you want the bedroom as a place of quiet and that when you are in it and the door is shut could he knock in the first instance and not just barge in, and leave quietly closing the door nicely
• Similarly, you need to explain these rules to the teenagers as well as give them specific times they can use the shower room, otherwise they must use the bath, and also give them limits on their showers given the intrusion into your quiet space.
• Would they all tolerate you sitting down around the family Table and you nicely explain explaining to them how you’re feeling at the moment and the changes you propose?
• Could the second bathroom have a showerhead fitted?

'think you need to create some rules around your bedroom space'

Yes. It is absolutely fine and normal to want private time, space and peace. In the absence of extensions, sheds, understairs cupboard conversions we just need fo communicate our requests. 'Have your showers before 7 as I'm then watching a film/listening to music and do not want disturbing'. It's what parents up and down the country do.

I think part of the issue is that when children are small they, by necessity, need to be near you all the time and generally, although not always, it is the mother who is the go to person. Always there, always willing to pick them up, dust them off. When you are younger you have all the oxytocin to power you through this. With menopause the levels decrease. Not only that but it is at a time where teenagers tend to withdraw slightly into their own space. Your dh perhaps always withdrew slightly but with the unpredictable teenage rages he withdraws even more. You are left with a less active role at times so sometimes you are on the sofa alone as they have all retreated. Other times they are all on top of you expecting you to be the same as you always have been.

They may feel a little offended at first because they have been used to having mum on demand. They probably don't even realise the luxury they all have of having a space to escape to. I would start with Dh and having an extra TV in his den.

That doesn't sound very private!!

Although you said that the architect took a dim view of a windowless bathroom, think again. It would be a shower room and it may shorten the period of time your DC spend there. Moreover, I know plenty of people who live in flat that have windowless showers.

Hi @ThePond - I’m not married so difficult for me to fully comment but I do remember the anger and frustration of the perimenopause - it comes from no where!. It’s not your fault and it’s not your husband’s fault.

In addition to the many practical suggestions on this thread - I think it’s important that you look at how you’re looking after yourself and that your husband understands how you’re feeling. When you and your husband have some time, and aren’t tense, can you explain how menopause is making you feel and how this anger is frothing up and how angry you feel with him at times. 18 months after my last period I literally thought I might kill someone!!… if I’d had to share a room not sure how I would have coped!!!
HRT helped me, exercise, meditation etc. I’m much more patient and calm now. Can you explain this to your husband? Perhaps a visit to GP too?
and then try and implement some of the great ideas on here but with his full understanding and appreciation of why you’re doing them.

Perimenopause is a rough time for all of us, but your description of what is happening in your own home doesn’t seem to be due to that.
i wouldn’t definitively lay down some house rules about respecting a closed door. I would also put in a shower over the bathtub and get some sort of device which limits the time on use.
Perhaps your husband can watch tv in the living room? I guess that situation depends on the time he wants to watch it.
If this is the way you’ve always done things it will be hard to put change into place. Lock the door when you’re changing.
good luck!

If everyone is in their own rooms then the lounge is free..? And surely during the day kids are at school DH is working or maybe you go out to work 5 days, sorry if missed that. That’s where I get my space, or if kids are on holidays I get out for a walk with a podcast between showers 🌦️

I completely get where you are coming from & peri menopausal too. Time alone keeps me sane but can be challenging & you want to do it naturally without any issue-as at the time you need it the last thing you want is any further issues trying to get it. Try bringing it up when together and explain that recently you have felt the need for this. I find thinking of yourself as another person helps as then you don’t feel as guilty discussing it. Some people need the gym, a holiday, to buy something new, to smoke, have a drink or see a friend and sometimes we need some time alone and may need this more at certain times of life. A “bath” can sometimes work with the locked door and taking some reading in there. We all need to respect reasonable human needs including our own, and sometimes it takes a little discussion and effort to get there.

The kids could also bucket "shower" if you can't get one installed. We did that for years until I was 18 and we moved properties. Was all I ever knew and did the job and leas water wastage.

Any chance you could put some folding doors or similar partition that can be used to divide the big room and create a cosy space for you downstairs when you need it and opened up when you want an open space?

Hi all - thanks to so many of you for replying. Perhaps what often happens on mumsnet is that the chance to actually describe the problem, I’ve realised it’s nothing to do with showers or bedrooms. It may or not be an unreasonable thing but I now realise what I’m craving is just a little bit of Territory. A boundary. It’s impossible, but that’s what I’m envious of with the other members of my family. Things can and will improve if I stop the thundering through the bedroom, but it won’t scratch the itch of wanting a little sanctuary more than anything. I like seeing my kids and husband - I’m not actually trying to escape them at all. I’m trying to be with myself, which is different and a new thing since all the hot flashes and teeth grinding began. I’m very seriously thinking of getting a tiny camper van just so I can drive a mile down the road and know nobody will pop up for an hour or so. I’m tired of being irritated with people I love.

Do you have a garden? Any chance to create a little space there? A small garden house/hut/shed? A garage to convert? My MIL got herself a second hand shepherds hut (on wheels) with a little wood burner, and even though she has a tiny garden, she managed to squeeze it into a corner and create a little sanctuary for herself 😊

If your husband is the man you have described here he won't take it as a rejection, he will understand it as he has his own space. Sometimes men do seem to think their space is theirs and the rest of the house is 'hers' without realising the inherent sexism in that so he may need it spelled out. But it's not unreasonable to want privacy and 'territory' and if that needs to be your shared bedroom or a specific corner within it then imo so be it. It's the only feasible space and you are allowed.

I feel your pain. I’ve literally just come back from the gym I joined this afternoon because I needed to get away from husband thinking out loud about work stuff, my currently very horrible 16 year old just being horrible, and the dog whining. And I’ll get fit & toned in the process. The gym was empty and it was 45 mins of utter bliss. I went from hugely heightened to chilled. Home now, much better. I highly recommend if you can.

We have a slightly less tight living space - but I’m still the one without anywhere. I have a basket with my things in that represents my territory and a cushion on one of the sofas where I might sometimes get left alone, I tried to extend to a cabinet recently and somehow my 5yos new dj deck toy (thanks little sis
!) has ended up on it and my husband has put load of christmas junk on it too that needs putting away which I’m irrationally annoyed about as I feel everyone else has somewhere and I don’t. So I really empathise with the territory thing.
I think as it’s new and you’ve identified it as being hormonal, and things may get more unsettled as they progress - is it a good time to raise it with him - that you’ve not been totally rationally feeling like this - you know it’s not really him it’s you etc.?

Personally for anything like this with my pregnancies etc I use my slightly crazy humour and then we have a serious conversation about it after all the joking around.

If you do get a camper tell us about it! 😍

I think the main issue is the bathroom. Not sure if touched on already, but I’d be getting a shower installed in the main bathroom and telling your kids to no longer come into your room. Tbh, you can’t call your husbands ‘den’ his retreat. Sounds like a functional office space rather than a place to relax. I think once the dcs no longer used your en-suite, things will seem a lot better.

Nope I couldn't cope with everyone on the bedroom. From when the kids went to school we stopped them coming into out bedroom - no tv or en suite so not a huge issue. They have to knock as quite frankly we might be having sex.

Take the tv out, get an electric shower over the bath and reclaim your space.

I could have written this. Just a week ago I said I was jealous of my kids having their own rooms 😔

I know exactly what you mean. Having your own space is important and having equivalent space to other family members is important. Mumsnet has a line about having the same amount of free time and spending money. I think we should add same amount of space to this list.

We had a shared office/craft room/spare room and then over the pandemic it became my DH's room. And I've really had to work at getting my own space again.

My suggestions for space would be looking at putting a walk in wardrobe outside the ensuite and not using it as a wardrobe but as your personal chillout area. I think you could get a quite a decent space without eating into the bedroom too much. That's the red squiggle.

I'd also look at getting a very compact garden shed or sentry box shed which you can put a comfy chair in and use as a quite spot in spring/summer/autumn. That's the blue squiggle. You'd probably have to have the door open, but the roof would keep the chair dry. It should be small enough not to block any windows and light enough to move if it does block any drain covers.

I know where you’re coming from, but it’s all a bit dafter than that.

The left hand image is on the same scale as the right and the downstairs bathroom (not our house remember) gives you a precise idea of a toilet lid. I hope you can now imagine how much the ‘en-suite’ already has eaten into the room!

@ConfusedBear edit!

I think you should be able to chunk out hours of alone/do not disturb time from your family in the bedroom. This includes your DH. YANBU to request this from your DH.

Do reconsider as well PP suggestions of having a shower put in over the bath as well - as you might be surprised how much that alone helps you with creating a boundary and reclaiming the space.

Your DH and DC then don’t need to disturb you as no need to use the ensuite.

(You can potentially get a proper shower put in over your bath with an opening shower screen added on one side).

I would definitely make it less open plan. Is the living room separate? You could have that as a feng shui haven to your taste. I don't think it would be unreasonable to explain to your family that peri menopause is having an effect and thst if you are in your sanctuary, then you would appreciate the peace.

I think your idea of a little camper van is quite a good one really. I live on the coast and I'd love to just bugger off and go and sit and watch the sea for a bit. Shame I can't drive!

A little camper van’s the most excellent idea for all Mums if at all practical.