13 years, mortgage, 2 kids... No proposal!?

[Faith27]

Hi, super new here, just after some advice..
Been with my partner 13 years in April. We have 2 wonderful children. It's never been a secret that I want to get married. He's always said he'd "never say never" or "yh one day* ..
3 years ago a random, chilled, no pressure, marriage discussion happened. The end response from him... "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(
We are off to Paris for our 13 years together anniversary in April.. which I planned! He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills. But he's the most unromantic person ever! :( he says he's happy when I've asked. I Just feel lost and lonely and wish for the ultimate romantic gesture from him. What would you do?.
Will he ever propose?? Xx

I think you've answered your question yourself. He says he doesn't see the point in getting married. So why would he propose?

What do you want? Are you happy with the relationship? It doesn't sound like you are 100% happy. What would make it better for you? Could you talk to your partner about this?

YANBU to want these things. But he is what he is and unfortunately he's unlikely to change much now.

You're along way down the line, if you know what i mean?

Well if he doesn't want to get married he's very unlikely to propose. Out of interest why didn't you propose years ago?

You can't make him marry you, neither to you have to accept being in a relationship with him indefinitely.

How old are your kids? Is he a good dad? Is he supportive to you? Fo you feel loved, even if he's not very demonstrative?

Have you always felt unhappy ?
I want to ask why you had kids with him if he's like this but that feels cruel of me....

Do you have your own money?
Doesn't sound like he will propose however you sound happy together.

You need to ask yourself why you want to get married. I wanted it for security rather than love - so hardly romantic, basically a contract. We discussed it practically before having kids and I said I need the security of marriage. He comes from divorced parents and was originally against marriage. We didn’t have a big proposal we just made a grown up decision to marry. It sounds like it’s the romance side you want?

He's literally told you he doesn't want to get married to you. What will you now do?

Well you can't force him.

What's your housing situation? Are you both on a shared mortgage? Do you work and have your own money? Marriage isn't merely about romance, it's primarily a legal agreement and, to some people, a religious requirement.

YABU. Why would he propose?
He doesn't want to marry and there's zero benefit in marrige for him

Sorry I don't think he ever will but I would be suggesting to him you do even if it's a quick trip to the registry office with a couple of witnesses off the street.
You will be much more financially protected should you separate if you are married.

But you can't tell someone you supposedly love "yes I'll get married one day" "never say never" then 10 years into the relationship, "nope sorry I don't want to get married" that is cruel, misleading and I definitely resent him for it.
Definitely can't talk about it with him. I have done lots of times and I never get anywhere.

I love him and I want to feel that he loves me back. I can't leave him, I couldn't do it it the kids. He says he is happy. Home is happy. I just want to be engaged, I want him to show me that he loves me. I want a real romantic note from him not "romantic note" on the note pad. :(

People change their mind.
The blame is solely on you for not holding your boundaries. Many women would've walked.

Well he's told you no. So you either leave or live with that answer.

At a wild guess, has he continued full time whilst you’ve gone part time? Does he own the house?

Is he financially stronger than you? Pension, savings, equity etc. Money is often the motivation to not marry.

Yeah he is never going to propose. He is being selfish so in his mind why should he - he has you, kids, a home.

Yes he's full time, had the kids back to back 15 months apart. I work part time with my own business I started last year. I contribute £400 a month and half the food shop bill. He pays for everything else.

I guess he probably reckons if it meant that much to you, you wouldn't have gone down the route of mortgage and kids first. In reality you have so there is zero benefit to him and maybe he sees it as a risk.

What are your reasons for it and then work out how to communicate them to him
Do you want to have the same surname as your kids?
Is it for financial or legal security?

Is it the fancy romantic wedding you want? Maybe you would build that up in your head and it be a bitter disappointment if he let you down on the day by not being really genuine about it and just going with the flow.

Well he has got everything he wants without any legal obligations. Win for him!

Please tell me you are on the mortgage and deeds, work and have your own money.

Are you joint homeowners? If not, the house is in his sole name, then you have zero legal claim on it.

There is no legal protection for a woman who's career has not progressed due to children, and further, she's not in joint ownership with her partner.

Take control of your life. Ask the hard questions, not about marriage. You've got that answer. Take control and make decisions.

Ultimately, why buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free. (I'm not saying you're a cow).

Two separate issues here:

1. Marriage and the legal protections it offers should things go pear shaped.

1. The romance and shine missing from your relationship.

The first is one to solve as a priority given your dependents and for a more secure financial future.

The second is subjective and down to what you are willing to put up with.

House is signed 50/50 yes. He has alot of savings and a big pension. I spent all my savings on mat leave. I have a pathetic pension

Ugh this is depressingly familiar

Why did you spend all YOUR savings on maternity leave?

So as unmarried, you have no rights to his pension or his money. Definitely in the mortgage and deeds? Not just on one? What about his will - does that provide for you?

There's your answer
He doesn't want to marry you as he has more to lose

You have given him everything really without him having to marry you

Sorry OP, but nothing we can do here will help make him want you enough.

And quite honestly, it sounds like you now want a proposal as some last ditch gesture to revive a stagnant relationship rather than what it should be. People get married for all sorts of reasons - love/romance, shared lifestyle values, public declaration of your relationship, practical security for you and your kids etc. If you’re doing in it desperation however, that ship has long sailed.