13 years, mortgage, 2 kids... No proposal!?

[Faith27]

Hi, super new here, just after some advice..
Been with my partner 13 years in April. We have 2 wonderful children. It's never been a secret that I want to get married. He's always said he'd "never say never" or "yh one day* ..
3 years ago a random, chilled, no pressure, marriage discussion happened. The end response from him... "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(
We are off to Paris for our 13 years together anniversary in April.. which I planned! He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills. But he's the most unromantic person ever! :( he says he's happy when I've asked. I Just feel lost and lonely and wish for the ultimate romantic gesture from him. What would you do?.
Will he ever propose?? Xx

Forget about the romance, drink the cups of tea and make sure you are not financially dependent on him continuing to feel well-disposed towards you.
There is no need to get married to the father of your children if the marriage does not enhance your financial security.

If he walked out tomorrow and tried to cut you and the children off financially, would you lose >50% of your home and > 50% of your joint savings and assets?If the answer is "yes" then you need to force him to go to the registry office and sign a civil partnership document. Otherwise leave him.

As far as the romantic side of your relationship is concerned, he doesn't sound that bad. I'd rather have a partner who makes me cups of tea and brings home good money, than a lazy pig, who thinks he can palm me off with: "I love you babe". Yuk.

Well there's your answer loud and clear. He is holding on to his money and pension. Clearly doesn't care what you want.

What do you get if he leaves you? Half a house.
He he worked hard and was able to gain a promotion because you were at home working hard (for free).

Which is why more and more women are choosing to remain child free. Give it a few years and men will wake up and realise they cant use kids to control women anymore cos those kids will be non existent

Regarding your security .. you can insure him tomorrow.. won’t be very expensive, well worth doing

Why should he? He has everything he wants already without any legal tie.

It is the usual story: having kids with a man you are not married to and allowing him to string you along for years with promises is not a good situation to put yourself in.

This. An ultimatum and him marrying you then the only way to protect yourself if you actually want to be with him. If he declines then he is calling your bluff to protect his assets and / or he's waiting for something better to come along

@Faith27 oh God you are another one who has paid for all of your maternity leave. <face palm>

Your kids wernt Immaculate Conceptions

If OP's boyfriend gave one shit about her, he'd organize all of the solicitors appointments to create that sort of protection for her.

But he hasn't, has he? Just gives her the cold shoulder if she dares stand up for herself.

I would bet anything that some bitter divorced mate has turned him against marriage for financial reasons.

Why is it a problem now he's not romantic? Surely you figured out he wasn't that type a few months into the relationship, it didn't take 13 years.

Marriage doesn't matter to some people. For some, if they aren't religious or are a different religion from their partner, that side isn't relevant, and the contractual and legal protection angle can be organised in other ways (wills, trust declaration on property, joint savings, life insurance, pensions, all the rest of it).

Equally, it matters a lot to other people, for religious, cultural, romantic, financial, and security reasons, all of which are totally valid.

There's nothing wrong with it being unimportant, or very important, or important for religious but not financial reasons, or vice versa. None of these are "unreasonable" inherently.

The problem, though, is where partners feel differently about it. You want him to want to propose, get engaged, get excited about a wedding and being married, and that's not going to happen, because he doesn't want that.

The other side - wills, savings, property, life insurance, pensions - that is absolutely important where one of you has taken a financial hit for your joint children and family, and wanting that sorted isn't just reasonable, it's essential.

Not getting the inheritance allowance is a very good reason for passing his half of the house direct to the DC. Then they only pay one lot of IHT on it.

I mean 13 years and you’re only just realising he isn’t marrying you? Never say never is just keeping you on tenterhooks and I am afraid that you fell for it.

OP kindly, you are deluding yourself. He has made no provision or protection for you if something were to happen to him, he didn’t support you financially when you were on maternity leave - it doesn’t matter if he ‘didn’t have the job he has now’, children are a joint venture and they are just as much his as they are yours, why were you the only one to lose all your savings? It’s absolutely ludicrous!

I suspect you won’t be able to forget a lot of what has been highlighted in this thread. You are settling for much less than you deserve.

Yes, and with your free labour he didn't have to worry about sorting childcare, getting clean and ironed clothes, and making dinners for his family.

Mean with money, mean with love.

If you’re not getting married you need to have a serious discussion about your future finances and what happens if he dies and you can’t afford the house with his share going to the children, who plans his funeral, who decides of the life support is switched off, how is he planning on sorting the capital gains tax if there is any?

I'm in a similar position, but the excuse is always...we don't have the money etc. We both work full time, but just wanted to double check that his half would go to you? Or to the kids? And if the unthinkable happens before the house is paid off? Assuming you have insurance? Again will you be supported? As you're not married has he notified his pension provider that he is in a common law relationship and named you? He can nominate the kids to receive a pay out but they wouldn't get the 'spousal 'support and you won't unless he has completed a form etc. Also what about power of attorney? This is something everyone including married couples need to think about...Martin Lewis discusses this really well as it could be needed at anytime and if it's not in place can be very costly and time consuming to arrange. This can be done on the gov.uk site but definitely recommend you look into it as it sounds like you're both in it for the long run with or without marriage. You need to make sure you're both protected if something we're to happen to one of you and not just hand everything over to the kids as that might be locked in while you struggle to keep a roof over your heads. Sorry to sound all doom and gloom. Also get a will if you haven't already and if he thinks all this is too much trouble tell him it's easier to get married... haha

If you said to him you wanted to be Civil Partners and not have an engagement or hen night or wedding, but a simple signing ceremony, could you have that conversation?

He's not going to propose in Paris or ever and he's not going to turn into a romantic person.

You need to think about what's best for YOU. Is he even the man for you? Definitely make sure he does half the housework and childcare from now on and get him to pay half for childcare to enable you to work F/T and build up your money. If he doesn't like it just say that's what you need to do as you're single.

Marriage protects the partner who earns less, owns less, takes time off to look after children and has a much smaller pension. That’s usually the woman. So if you’re ummarried and split up, you lose out massively.
That’s why many men don’t want to marry.
Marriage also makes you each other’s legal next of kin, which can be important.

I think you need to forget about marriage to him. But I also think you should have discussions about financial security for you and the children If you split up or something happened to either of you. It's great he is providing for the family but he has built his career on your sacrifices - he didn't take time off work to look after babies, he didn't spend his savings, he's not equally responsible for childcare now. A person doesn't have to be romantic to show their love, respect and actions are more reliable

Has he ever been romantic and instigated hugs kisses etc? Because if he hasn't, I'm not sure where along the line you thought he suddenly would.
'Never say never' and 'maybe one day' sound a lot more 'no' than 'yes' to be honest. I think you've been fooling yourself really.
I think you should probably talk to him on a practical level about what would happen if he died while the kids are still young. You might get the house, but if you can't afford to pay for it, you'd have to sell up and move with the kids if you have nothing else. Maybe he isn't very romantic, but he should want to protect you on a financial level, should the worst happen.

You don't want to marry him, the arse. What the fuck kind of father hoards his savings and makes you spend all yours on stuff for his 2 kids. Why the hell are you not pushing back on this stuff?

Bake a cake that says 'Will you marry me?' on it!

I'll keep everything crossed for you x