13 years, mortgage, 2 kids... No proposal!?

[Faith27]

Hi, super new here, just after some advice..
Been with my partner 13 years in April. We have 2 wonderful children. It's never been a secret that I want to get married. He's always said he'd "never say never" or "yh one day* ..
3 years ago a random, chilled, no pressure, marriage discussion happened. The end response from him... "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(
We are off to Paris for our 13 years together anniversary in April.. which I planned! He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills. But he's the most unromantic person ever! :( he says he's happy when I've asked. I Just feel lost and lonely and wish for the ultimate romantic gesture from him. What would you do?.
Will he ever propose?? Xx

Does he mean he doesn't want to be married, or he hates the idea of the fuss and the ceremony? Could be two different things...

MN always warns mums about not being married in case of a spit etc. But maybe he would be up for that if no guests etc?

But from your posts it sounds as though you are more into the romance side of things?

When I was younger I always wanted the romantic gesture - but have terrible choice in BFs so never really got it. Now married to DH (married 21 years) but he is about as romantic as a teapot! He told me early doors he 'didn't believe' in marriage but tbf he did change his tune when we started planning a family - although it was a conversation along the lines of 'I suppose we'd better speak to the vicar then'!

Never proposed, never bought an engagement ring, Birthdays and Christmas presents are minimal and with little thought. We each buy each other a few silly things and consider the family holiday the main present. It's just how he is. I can't be bothered to care and it lets me off the hook......all good.

But if it really upsets you, would he listen if you explained how you feel? If not a marriage proposal then would an occasional romantic weekend away planned by him, help? (I suspect if I nagged DH enough he might manage that.....)

You may not be able to afford to leave him but he can afford to leave you.

@Faith27 , drop all ideas of wanting romantic gestures right now and approach it from an angle of ensuring financial security.

The very fact that he watched you spend all your savings n Maternity Leave is an indicator that he doesn't think of you as someone to whom he owes financial responsibility and, as the mother of his children, working part time, he certainly should.

In addition, the fact that he has put other assets into the children's names also suggests that not only does he fail to see you as someone to whom he owes no financial responsibility, he is actively taking action to make sure that you have no voice over his assets.

I would check-not with him-that your name is on the deeds of the house.

If it is, maybe start planning for a time when you tell him that insecurity is harming the enjoyment of your life and that you would like the house sold, so that you can take your share.

Never mind the fact that he gives you butterflies now and then-that ship has sailed. Put a cold clear pair of glasses on and start to plan for an exit that you control rather wait for an exit which he controls.

There is always a kisser and a kissed in every relationship and you cannot afford to be the kisser with little financial security and a man who doesn't want to commit to the mother of his children.

Stop running after him. He has made his position clear and often times, human nature being what it is, the more someone crawls, the less esteem they are held in.

You'll get through this but not if you insist on wanting romance. You've had the romance-get the purse strings.

I think the reality of ‘ok I understand you don’t want to get married as you don’t believe the piece of paper means anything, let’s get legal agreement in place to provide for our family that meet the same financial / legal commitments that marriage give’. It’s more expensive than the registry office for sure but it will tell you all you need to know and lay it out plainly for him what real commitment is.

What about a civil partnership?
Wouldn't he want you to be protected if he died or you split up ? 🤔

This. You are yet another woman who has become financially reliant on a man and is now hugely vulnerable. If he’s got no intention of marrying you then it’s vital that you work full time, build your pension up, have independent savings, etc. Focus on that. Make sure all childcare and children’s expenses are split 50:50 and he’s not palming all that off on you. Time to focus on yourself.

Options that I see.
YOU propose in Paris, come back and arrange a wedding within three months.
He doesn't accept the proposal and you renegotiate the terms of your relationship ...financially, home ownership etc.
You call it quits after Paris.
You continue on as it is .. forever...

The option of not moving in until engaged and not having children until married is off the table.

Proposals are such an anachronism to me in 2025. A major decision like marriage shouldn't be a carrot dangled to one party by another. It's not something which should be decided for women by men. Surely adults (with children of their own) should be able to just reach a decision as to whether or not to marry as, you know, equals?

Also dumbfounded that it seems ok to either of you that you should have spent your savings on mat leave whilst simultaneously reducing your earning potential, all whilst he sits pretty!

No, he won't, because as the saying goes, when you've got the milk for free, why would you buy the cow!

This is why it is wise to have the marriage first, and then the children...

This thread should be a big red warning beacon to young women who think they are cool and liberated and feminist to have children without marriage or independent income. The Man who purports to care about you can just get rid of you and keep his equity, pension and savings and pay minimum CMS while you scrabble around on universal credit. If you want to get rid of him ... same result.

So he says he can’t see any advantages in being ‘married’. so ask him what the advantages of being single are.

And don’t take ‘ o I don’t know’ for an answer. Act on the answer he gives you,

What would be your financial situation if he left you? I'm sorry to be brutal but it's so common that men leave women once the children get older and they are in their 40s and relying on renting and benefits.

Please sort a pension, at 35 you have a chance to build a pension if you can start putting in money now. A pension is as important as mortgage, utility bills etc.

Whilst you take care of childcare he can save money that would otherwise go towards childcare costs. Your contribution to childcare and housework should have a financial value. If he left you he would have to fund these costs.

The thing is that even if he does propose he isn’t going to magically change into the romantic person you are saying you want. And he won’t suddenly be romantic after marriage either. It will be the same relationship.

I think you’d be much better off if you sat down with him and said you feel lonely and need more affection. You might also want to give the empowered wife a read…

I also think it’s concerning everything is left to the kids but not you? So what happens if he drops dead tomorrow? Can you pay the mortgage? Is his money locked in a trust until the kids or a certain age? What about his pension or death in service. I find it very odd that there might be no provision made for you to look after the children if he dies??? You really need to have this sorted…

There is no benefit for him in getting married. Unfortunately you have nothing to bargain with if you are unwilling to leave. He already has everything he wants: a home, a good job, children, a woman to do all the domestic work, etc.

I wish women would realise that if they want marriage and children they need to hold out for the marriage first. Because if men can get everything without it costing them anything, they will.

Are you each other's next of kin for medical decisions - you can do this via paperwork without marriage.
Do you have wills?

I always remember a woman I worked with being crystal clear with her bloke - no ring, no babies. The (all female) office applauded. We all went to the wedding very shortly afterwards.

I think you are being unreasonable to expect someone who hasn't been romantic for 13 years to suddenly change. He's not that person and most likely never will be. And to be honest, those saying get married so you'll be financially secure are even less romantic than him 😂
20 years, 2 kids, and mortgage paid off here- no proposal and no expectation of one as we have discussed marriage many times and understand (and accept) each other's positions on it. We have got wills, POA, and pensions/death in service sorted however.

I understand disappointment that he has changed his mind on "maybe" getting married one day, but I think to be fuming or feel he misled you is a bit strong personally.

I’m imagining you packing for Paris with a last hope in your heart but really knowing it’s not going to happen. You’re 34? You can’t carry on as you are, you’re already feeling lonely, unappreciated and resentful, you call him cruel for goodness sake.

Plan how you’re going to change things this year so you don’t find yourself in another 34 years incredibly bitter and angry, wishing you’d done something differently.

That's why he doesn't want to get married. He's in a financially better position than you, you're not entitled to any of his money/pension etc and even if its a shared/joint mortgage with both your names on it he can afford to buy you out and keep the house, you can't do the same.
Does he share the childcare equally? 50/50 would leave you with no CMS either.

You're a young woman. Tell the bugger he should want to marry you.

Two relatives through marriage didn't get round to marrying for years. One finally set the date. Her husband to be died of a heart attack. It turned out that he'd not written his will and she had to go to court to get his pension for their child. (The first wife wanted it. She'd never worked and they'd divorced about 20 yrs previously.)

The other relative saw what happened to the above and to their SIL who had never married her brother. The brother was brought back three times after having a heart attack and suffered sever brain injuries. The partner had a helluva time of it because she wasn't automatically recognised as next of kin and had to apply for Guardianship.

The other relative and her partner then decided to get married at the age of about 60, in order to avoid the trouble that others had gone through.

Why would you want to marry a person who thinks acceptable for you to pay for your maternity leave, caring for your joint child?! He's not going to propose. He's done some future faking in the past but he's got what he wants now so doesn't bother future faking anymore

So this sounds financially motivated for him. He manipulated you into giving him everything and taking the hit to your future earning potential while he risked nothing and isn't limited in work like you have been.

The fact you used savings to cover maternity leave says a lot about him. He doesn't see you as a team.

Personally i would give him an ultimatum. Get married or you leave. Because i couldn't stay with a man who treated me this way and thought of me this way I'd happily leave but if I genuinely loved him he could save it by getting married.

Have you discussed why he doesn't want to get married? He said there no point but maybe he's uncomfortable with a big wedding and all the attention or the financial cost of it? If that's how he feels I think it's reasonable to just have a cheep registry office thing with minimal guests. Marriage shouldn't be about a big showy wedding, marriage is a contract and financial security for women who reduce their work to care for children. You can work on the romance and feeling loved in other ways, learn about love languages, start a date night etc etc what you need now to feel loved is the security of marriage. If he won't give to that security how can he really love you?

He’s waiting for someone better to come along. When he meets ‘the one’ he’ll know.
(it’s not you)

BTW, when I was still working as a secondary school teacher, it wasn't uncommon for teenage girls to be their parents' bridesmaids - the parents would often save up to have the big wedding and reception when they were in their 40s.

One of the most memorable pieces of personal writing I ever read began:

"It was finally here: the day we'd all been waiting for. After living together happily for 17 years, my parents had decided to get married [...]

We four girls were the bridesmaids and my little brother was a cute ring bearer. [...] Dad stayed over at my gran's the night before - it's unlucky for the groom to see the bride before the wedding."

You spent all your savings because you had bills to pay and things to buy the baby? Was it not also his baby? Were they not also his bills?

Lady, you are up financial shit creek without a paddle. Never mind romantic notes and a big proposal, what you want is a serious talk with a financial/pensions advisor.

My eldest child has a disability so I would never leave, I couldn't afford to leave either You’d better hope that this decision always remains yours to make because if he ends things tomorrow, you’re fucked.

Agreed. My relative through marriage and her groom just nipped into the local registrar's.