13 years, mortgage, 2 kids... No proposal!?

[Faith27]

Hi, super new here, just after some advice..
Been with my partner 13 years in April. We have 2 wonderful children. It's never been a secret that I want to get married. He's always said he'd "never say never" or "yh one day* ..
3 years ago a random, chilled, no pressure, marriage discussion happened. The end response from him... "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(
We are off to Paris for our 13 years together anniversary in April.. which I planned! He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills. But he's the most unromantic person ever! :( he says he's happy when I've asked. I Just feel lost and lonely and wish for the ultimate romantic gesture from him. What would you do?.
Will he ever propose?? Xx

My husband and I had not planned on getting married at all (we also didn't see the point)! Until I read that not being married can make things like inheritance (and other financials) complicated, plus me travelling with a different name than the kids can be challenging. SO we spoilt ourselves with a trip to Las Vegas and got hitched with only 2 witnesses and had an epic mini-holiday. Could he perhaps be tempted by something like that?

The thing is he really is telling you that he is keeping his options open. If he were sure, then he wouldn't need to hold back his money for himself.

It was important to both my elder dds that they married before they had children. It was non- negotiable. Dd2 proposed to her dh as he wasn't bothered. Both are happily married with dc now. It's very difficult for you now already having dc together.

You want the romance… question is was it there in the beginning and it’s dwindled and stopped or has it always been this way? If he’s always been like then I’m afraid it’s on you because you knew romance wasn’t in his nature from the start so to get upset about it now is like being sad he can’t speak to you in Italian.

Cynical response
OP's partner sounds like a decent bloke.OP is being well cared for, romantic gestures don't always represent real love. House is 50/50, all very fair IMO

My husband and I had been together for 10 years, had a daughter (and he’d helped raise my son for 6 years) bought a house etc before he proposed. Buying a house and having our daughter were both life changing decisions, getting married changed nothing, which is why he prioritised the first two over a wedding.

I was desperate to get married, but I’d have spent a lifetime with him unmarried over moving on, he was the important thing.

why do you want to get married? It doesn’t sound like you’re massively happy, or that he meets all of your needs.

Decent men don’t leave the mother of their children in terrible financial positions e.g. her lack of savings / pension, her paying for maternity leave rather than it being a joint expense etc etc

I was about to post along these lines. "Decent bloke" my eye.

I know someone whose partner took her to Venice on Valentines and didn’t propose 😣

He hasn't left her in dire financial straits! Most people who work PT don't have savings and partner pays for most of bills. As for pension/investments, they can be shared at a later time

If only women could propose it would all have been so different. 🤔

Is she part time to find herself, relax or is it to care for THEIR children? Shared when?! He’s made clear he doesn’t want to do that. So so glad l went back full time and didn’t fuck up my career or pension contributions. For minimization and things “might” be shared with at a later date (but they clearly won’t)

Maybe I'm abit too trusting and naive then?
Of course PT is to take care of the children, very hard work 🙏 I'm

But how many men share pensions on separating when they aren’t married and legally compelled to?

Not able to comment as I don't know anyone.
That said, there are some fair and decent people around

You have given away any lever/card you had.
Why on EARTH did you run down your savings buying things the baby needed?
You both made the children. You should both meet the costs. Any decent man wouldn't wait for you to tell him that.
He could leave you tomorrow and you would have virtually no rights apart from a joint share in the house.
He isn't unromantic! He's just very, very mean.
And you say He is a great father?
He 'helps' with the chores?
Hoo bloody ray! No one could limbo under the low bar you've set.

Why would he marry you?
He's got all he wants...house..kids...regular sex...status...nothing in it for him to be married.
You've been rather daft, OP.

it sounds like you are missing romance. A wedding does not have to be, or guarantee, romance. It can be very business like. (In fact, I highly suggest addressing the business side of a wedding again, as you’re in a very vulnerable position if anything were to happen to him. You (together) should be making sure you are financially secure if he were to pass away suddenly).

Regarding romance: he doesn’t sound romantic at all, so I get you want more. But stop looking at a wedding as your answer. Look at the small daily gestures that you would like him to do to make you feel loved. And they have to be realistic expectations. Hugs and kisses are realistic expectations. Him saying you look nice is realistic. Romantic notes probably less so.
But also remember it’s hard to change someone. Have you always been the one to initiate a kiss or hug? If so, this is just how he is (and why is it only bothering you now?). If he used to initiate kisses and hugs and no longer does, you could say you really miss him doing that.

I really think you are.

OP’s partner let her run down her savings buying stuff for their babies, rather than at least sharing the cost, in spite of the fact that he had been earning more than her before she went on maternity leave. He has made no financial provision for her in the event of his death, but has left everything to the children. That is not ‘caring for her well’.

OP, I hope you are all right? All this must have been hard reading.

Was he romantic when you met? Because YWBU to expect him to change to suit what you want if you knew who he was when you met him.

I quite openly tell my (second) husband that I’d never marry again. I genuinely don’t see the point. I love my DH and having a legal contract has no bearing on that. I also wouldn’t stay in an unhappy relationship just because we were married, so I honestly don’t see the point

So has he always been like this and you just hoped he’d magically change? It’s sounds like he isn’t doing anything different, you’ve just decided after 13 years that you want more than he is willing to give.

This! While marriage wouldn’t change your day to day life or increase his romance, it would leave the family more legally stable. Would he be persuaded by a wholly unromantic argument?

OP, what happened in Paris??