13 years, mortgage, 2 kids... No proposal!?

[Faith27]

Hi, super new here, just after some advice..
Been with my partner 13 years in April. We have 2 wonderful children. It's never been a secret that I want to get married. He's always said he'd "never say never" or "yh one day* ..
3 years ago a random, chilled, no pressure, marriage discussion happened. The end response from him... "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(
We are off to Paris for our 13 years together anniversary in April.. which I planned! He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills. But he's the most unromantic person ever! :( he says he's happy when I've asked. I Just feel lost and lonely and wish for the ultimate romantic gesture from him. What would you do?.
Will he ever propose?? Xx

Because mat leave pay is crappy and I had bills to pay ect, things to buy the baby.

I love him, I'm making him sound terrible he really isn't. I still get a butterfly now and then. But all the romance comes from me which makes me sad. I was to get married, he doesn't. My eldest child has a disability so I would never leave, I couldn't afford to leave either.

Also if I were you, I would be increasing my hours and looking for salary progression.

Do you want him to want to? He doesn’t want to. And that’s as reasonable as you wanting to.

Or do you want him to do it despite not wanting to? Because that’s not reasonable, as everyone would be pointing out if he were asking you to do something major that you don’t want to do.

Thing is, you don’t say he doesn’t love you. You just say you want him to be more romantic. He’s not that, but that’s what you want.

In other words you want someone else - someone very like him, but not him.

How old are you? Maybe wait til you hit perimenopause when you'll realise that man should have been BEGGING you to marry him, and you'll be grateful you never did.

Signed, a current man hater.

You're not getting it

He should have been financially supporting you during maternity leave to buy those things and supplementing your loss in income to birth and raise his babies.

You sat you have a mortgage ... tenants in common or joint tenants?

You say you are furious, lost and lonely. You say he's the most unromantic person ever. You say he told you explicitly told you 'I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!'

And yet you still want to marry him?! Absolute madness. Come on op, stop embarrassing yourself and get it together!!

Why did YOU have to pay the bills and baby things? What did he stump up for? Or did he sit back and watch you struggling?

You may love him and never want to leave, and as you say you couldn't afford to go it alone anyway, but what would happen if he left?

Marriage isn't just about shiny bells and whistles and fanny flutters, it will protect you legally should the worst happen.

He’s not going to marry you and you won’t leave . I guess maybe just think about how you would fair if he left you .

Ok, thanks everyone, I'll stop watching wedding reels and tormenting myself. I'll have to just live with what I have. :) which I love I just want the physical touch romantic words every now and then. I'm almost 35. I'll get my business going strong so I don't need to rely on him and make my kids proud of me :)

If he said he wanted marriage when you were dating, when you were in early days and he's only changed his mind after years...

Yeah, he never wanted it... He just said what you wanted to hear.

Of it's vital, propose to him...
If he refuses, time to leave.

I think children should have the mothers surname if the father does not want to marry.

I agree!!

I think your biggest issue is that you could find yourself single at some point and not financially prepared.

He may well love you but just isn't romantic in which case that is the man you fell in love with.
OR he is just comfortable and you are at risk of him leaving you when kids are older and you find yourself with a shit pension and shit income. Now is the time to address that by working on your career and increasing your financial stability. He needs to help fund childcare and provide practical support so that you can do this.
If he asks why then explain that he has not provided you with legal protection via marriage and you've had to spend on your savings birthing his babies whilst he sits on a nest egg of pensions and savings which you wouldn't even get if he dropped dead. Therefore you MUST provide your own.
If he doesn't like it then he marries you but it won't be romantic

So the children have your surname?

Oh god. Why do women do this to themselves? Why is this such a common story on here?

He's not going to marry you. Ever. That is not an option that is on the table, and you've given away literally every card you held. Your only choices now are to stay on these terms, or to go. As a priority, I would focus on improving your financial situation, particularly your salary and pension, because should this relationship end, and it doesn't sound rock solid, you need all the financial security, and pension, you can get.

Since the financial protection for the OP would be funded by him you're making the case for him to avoid the marriage.

You've put yourself in a very precarious situation.

I think you’ll have to propose to him, and see what he says?

Yes thank you, he strung me along to keep me happy and shut me up! Popped the kids out and he changed his tune.

He'll say no. Or say yes and stall for time.

"Maybe someday" means "not ever, not to you".

@Faith27 anniversary when you arent even married??? Nah!! he can get stuffed, which is virtually what he is telling you to do! you are screwed! you have made life time commitments but he hasnt. having children never means so much to men and that is why they always find it easier to leave without batting an eye lid.!

He'd say no! 1000% he would say no. I wrote it in the notice board on April fools day and he just walked out.
I really want to get married but me asking him feels like I'm begging because I do really want it and he knows that.

Start focusing on self care. Go out with girlfriends and make him think you're detaching. If he's bothered he'll act. Or just tell him the relationship isn't meeting your needs anymore and let him figure it out. Some men can be lazy and will coast if they think they can.

@Faith27 like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted! you have done it all the wrong way round, probably on the strength of promises! you get married, get a mortgage and have kids! in that order. you should always protect yourself!