13 years, mortgage, 2 kids... No proposal!?

[Faith27]

Hi, super new here, just after some advice..
Been with my partner 13 years in April. We have 2 wonderful children. It's never been a secret that I want to get married. He's always said he'd "never say never" or "yh one day* ..
3 years ago a random, chilled, no pressure, marriage discussion happened. The end response from him... "I don't want to get married, I don't see the point in it!" ... Would anyone else be furious??? :(
We are off to Paris for our 13 years together anniversary in April.. which I planned! He never says he loves me first, never a cuddle or a kiss unless I get one from him myself. But he can be kind and makes me a cup of tea every morning and helps with chores, he pays all the bills. But he's the most unromantic person ever! :( he says he's happy when I've asked. I Just feel lost and lonely and wish for the ultimate romantic gesture from him. What would you do?.
Will he ever propose?? Xx

You need to have savings and a good pension

That's fucking stupid. So if he dies tomorrow then children have money they can't access until they're 18 and you have no way of keeping a roof over their heads until then. Idiot man. Don't marry this fool.

How very big of him

Definitely not! I want a registry office and a small family meal or a little party at home.

I'm staying hopeful for a Paris proposal, it's my favourite city and he knows that. And if it doesn't happen in Paris then I know it never will. I love him, he's a brilliant dad and yes he's not a cuddly romantic guy but he's there for me if I need him.

When i was pregnant he didn't have the job he had now. He's worked hard to get his promotions to support us all.

I would not get married for romance!

However, I would get married for financial security as it sounds like you're vulnerable and you would struggle financially if you split up or if he died. I would have a serious talk with him, say you regret leaving it so long but you always understood that marriage was on the cards. You can't insist though, so I am not sure what you can do if he refuses. But I think he needs to understand what it means to you and your future.

The house is 50/50 so I get the house

How the fuck is he there for you when you need him?

Have a think.
If he dropped dead right now, how fucked would you be financially?

With that thought experiment, start planning your unmarried future, where you are reliant on no man. Kids expenses should be split proportionally, similarly house expenses.

I chose to have kids with DP, but unless we were legally married, I was not giving up my job. I'd read too much mumsnet!

But this says it all doesn’t it. He doesn’t care about you. You’ve provided the children- you can cook and clean but know your place. He won’t ask you to marry him, OP. I would honestly rethink this entire relationship. You deserve better.

I have a friend who is a good husband and father (and I definitely don’t see them ever divorcing) but the only reason he proposed was because she spelled it out for him and gave him a deadline. She wanted it done before their DD started nursery.

He’s not a bad person at all, he’s just very unromantic.

No, you'd get the half of the house you own, and the rest would be divided between all children that he has.

You are deluding yourself if you think he will propose in Paris

I'd cancel the trip!

So he never thought about you at all!
Any man committed to his partne would want her to have financial stability thru his pension or at least part of it on death.

What about life insurance? As a bare minimum has he taken out a policy that would pay you money to clear the mortgage AND give you a lump sum to raise his kids?
It needs to either be a joint policy which automatically goes to you on his death OR a sole policy written in trust for you to be beneficiary

Are you paying for the Paris trip?

Do you have life insurance for him so you are provided for if disaster hit?

Oh dear. Why would he want to marry you? (Sorry) There is literally no benefit to him and he knows you won't leave so ...

He's an utterly selfish SELFISH man.

That's why he won't get married. You need to even things up.

Hence why he doesn't want to marry.

You are at huge risk here.

Those things should have been joint purchases and him paying when you were on zero pay.

This is so depressing. He is building his savings and pension whilst you do all the domestic drudge.
Wake up, you are being ripped off by this man.

How do you get the house if he's leaving it to the DC ? They would get his half.

Neither of you will benefit from the spousal inheritance tax allowance either.

I work for a bank in the bereavement department and you’d be surprised how many bereaved mortgaged holders get a shock when they find out that their house was purchased as tenants in common, this means each party can chose who they leave their half of the property to if they die. It’s a legal nightmare after that, worse when you’re not married and the deceased left their half to someone else. I don’t want to worry you, but as you mention you have the house 50/50, it may be something to look into. You can easily find this information out through the land registry website (if you’re in England)

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Well, you can do that. He has done that, and you're still with him 3 years later?

But what if he leaves? You are screwed.

He knows that and doesn't care enough to make you secure by spending 15 min at a registry office.