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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the races for my friends birthday?

268 replies

Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:02

I was added to a WhatsApp group the other day, created by my friend. She has added about 15 people into it and it’s to discuss the plans for her birthday. She has said that she is organising a day at the races and has told us the cost etc and has asked if we can let her know asap who can make it.

She isn’t my best friend, but is still a friend of mine that I have known for quite a while and I was looking forward to spending her birthday with her. My heart sank because I absolutely do not want to attend the races. Straight away I thought, well I can’t go. But then I thought well maybe I can do it for her, for her birthday, so that I get to celebrate it with her. However, I know for a fact that I will not enjoy the day. I don’t want to put my money into something that I don’t agree with and am morally against. The thought of getting all dressed up and having to watch it makes me feel very uncomfortable. My boyfriend has asked me in the past if I would want to go and I told him I will never attend.

I have been vegan for 8 years and work with animals so I am hoping she will understand. If this was your birthday event, would you be upset/offended/pissed off if one of your friends didn’t attend for this reason? I haven’t replied to the WhatsApp yet but will need to soon as she sent it a few days ago.

OP posts:
EdithBond · 08/01/2025 19:00

Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:22

We don’t have that kind of blunt relationship. If she invites me to her birthday and I just say “sorry can’t come, but have a great time” she will absolutely call me or text me to have a chat about it and ask why I can’t come. We aren’t best friends but we are still close enough that she would want me at her birthday. If I tell her I already have something planned, she will probably ask if I can rearrange it (she’s done this before) so I’d have to have a pretty solid lie about something that I absolutely can’t cancel

Show quote history

YANBU.

I’d just thank her for the invite, tell her you won’t be able to come and ask if she’d like to meet you for a birthday lunch on another day.

If she pushes you for a reason, then give her the honest answer and say you didn’t want to mention it straight up, so as not to seem judgey, which you aren’t. Honesty’s the best policy.

venus7 · 08/01/2025 19:01

Speckyfourfries · 08/01/2025 18:33

The races aren't barbaric in the slightest, the horses get treated like royalty and are bred to race

Treated like royalty? What....opening parliament and adorned by crowns?

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm · 08/01/2025 19:04

What a naff birthday idea. Totally with you OP. I’m not vegan but I don’t enjoy watching animals suffer for entertainment, nor does any normal person

LinnettdeBelleforte · 08/01/2025 19:05

I voted that YANBU, even though I am not vegan and I do not object to horseracing. Your principles are your principles and you have every right to stick to them. I would possibly just say that you can't make it rather than going in to the reasons why, as that might seem judgemental, but you certainly should'nt feel that you need to go to something you find morally repugnant.

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2025 19:06

HereForTheAnimals · 08/01/2025 17:47

The issue with this, having had to decline invitations to the races on many occasions, is people wanting to know why it isn't your thing - for some reason, people can't see the conflict there. Telling people the reason why is not patronising. I don't feel superior to my friends, and to be honest, none of my friends would be offended by my ethical beliefs either.

Show quote history

Fair enough
I would just say its not my thing and if pushed say I just don't like it.
The only time I had to express an idealogical standpoint was when I had a boss who wouldn't let it go

Idoloveanamechange · 08/01/2025 19:08

Why are you making this so difficult? The solution is simple.

Tell her the truth.

She’s your friend; she should know your take on an event like this. Celebrate her birthday with her another way, another time.

Berlinlover · 08/01/2025 19:08

My partner is celebrating a milestone birthday next summer and has always wanted to go to Ascot. I refused point blank to go not so much for moral reasons but I just happen to think it a load of snobbery and nonsense and not something I would enjoy in a million years. He’s going with his daughter instead.

thisfilmisboring123 · 08/01/2025 19:13

Best tell that to the millions of people who attend race meetings every day of the year.

Bearhunt468 · 08/01/2025 19:14

Surely after 10 years she will know your views? Cant you just say I'm afraid I can't do the day but if your going out for drinks after the races I can join you?

RampantIvy · 08/01/2025 19:14

JRorBobby · 08/01/2025 17:42

Don't lie! It's fine to say "I'm sorry, I can't abide the horse racing industry. I am sorry to not be celebrating with you but I would be so uncomfortable there!"

It's a common outlook, not something to be ashamed of! And the average reasonable person would accept it. It may feel uncomfortable to say but it does not imply you are judging her - your vegan for years - are you taking her over the coals for every pair of leather shoes and handbags she owns? - no - this is not different, it's OK to decline on animal welfare.

I agree. Perhaps you could offer to take her for afternoon tea/something else she likes doing instead?

Rollse · 08/01/2025 19:15

RabbitsEatPancakes · 08/01/2025 18:47

You do know a lot of the movement you see is the whip being waved around, they dont always make contact. Race whips all have sensors in to track how frequent and how hard the horses are hit. They're also pretty bendy.

Having worked on race yards I'd say the horse are kept much better than your average happy hacker cob. All the yards I've been on have treated the horses well, they've all had turnout and enjoyed the work.

Edited
Show quote history

Not interested in someone trying to justify animal abuse

theeyeofdoe · 08/01/2025 19:18

GasPanic · 08/01/2025 16:22

I mean if you have been friends 10 years then I am surprised she would not know that you might be against it morally if you are a vegan and work with animals.

Can't you just tell her you don't agree with racing because you don't like the idea of horses being hurt, but you'd be happy to go out for a meal/drink with her on another date ?

If she is a good friend she should understand/know it is an important part of your life.

I don't morally agree with being vegan, especially with children who don't end up getting the nutrients they need. I wouldn't go shouting about it if someone invited me to a party.

RampantIvy · 08/01/2025 19:21

theeyeofdoe · 08/01/2025 19:18

I don't morally agree with being vegan, especially with children who don't end up getting the nutrients they need. I wouldn't go shouting about it if someone invited me to a party.

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Hmm Although I agree that children could be vegetarian rather than vegan.
HereForTheAnimals · 08/01/2025 19:21

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2025 19:06

Fair enough
I would just say its not my thing and if pushed say I just don't like it.
The only time I had to express an idealogical standpoint was when I had a boss who wouldn't let it go

Show quote history

I also didn't mean to sound like I had a stick up my arse, but thank you for pointing it out. It does help to reflect on these situations. As a vegan I sometimes think people like to challenge your views in not a very constructive way (think pub banter type situations), and in these situations I possibly could come across as a bit preachy, but it's because they've riled me up and are being deliberately obtuse. I kind of lose my rag a bit but try and keep calm.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 08/01/2025 19:27

Changed my mind. Tell her you'll go to the races if it's this one Grin

Threads

https://www.threads.net/@histthreads/post/DEjbiQzIwqP?xmt=AQGzEVAh8dqeQWzPgGvcz4enMeTGdBbYAv_cqcQSXN9FIQ

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmm · 08/01/2025 19:28

Berlinlover · 08/01/2025 19:08

My partner is celebrating a milestone birthday next summer and has always wanted to go to Ascot. I refused point blank to go not so much for moral reasons but I just happen to think it a load of snobbery and nonsense and not something I would enjoy in a million years. He’s going with his daughter instead.

Honestly it’s not even snobbery it’s what people think rich snobby people do…

Queenjuliana · 08/01/2025 19:35

@thisfilmisboring123 a horse having a fall and having a bullet through it's head might be even more of a downer...

Wildwalksinjanuary · 08/01/2025 19:36

EdithBond · 08/01/2025 19:00

YANBU.

I’d just thank her for the invite, tell her you won’t be able to come and ask if she’d like to meet you for a birthday lunch on another day.

If she pushes you for a reason, then give her the honest answer and say you didn’t want to mention it straight up, so as not to seem judgey, which you aren’t. Honesty’s the best policy.

Show quote history

Do this ^

Wildwalksinjanuary · 08/01/2025 19:39

I have been invited numerous times and have always said I would find it too stressful (true) and I couldn’t go. Those that really know me, know why, my love of animals. Those that don’t assume I mean the crowds. Be honest. Be yourself. She could change her plans if she is desperate for you to celebrate with her.

thestudio · 08/01/2025 19:41

thisfilmisboring123 · 08/01/2025 18:04

I was just pointing out what they said was incorrect.

’Brutally beaten for the length of the course’
Uhm, no they’re not?!

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The jockeys use crops to beat the animals the length of the course. The horses are not running for the joy of it.

According to Peta "since 2000, 63 horses have died at the annual festival. "

Queenjuliana · 08/01/2025 19:43

@saraclara does taking a moral stand mean that you are criticising others? I see it more as setting an example. Instead of just going along with the crowd in order to make it more comfortable for everyone else.

BoredZelda · 08/01/2025 19:43

There’s something stopping me from telling her the real reason, I feel like she will take it in a weird way as if I’m judging and I’m not… I just don’t personally want to go

You are judging, you don't agree with her choice of entertainment and think your morals are better. You do want to tell her because any time anyone suggests being vague or lying, you won't do that either.

Not sure what you want from this post though. Are you virtue signalling? Or asking whether your friend will ditch you if you tell her what you think?

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 08/01/2025 19:44

Don’t tell her the reason, you will come across as very judgemental: just say you can’t make it.

thisfilmisboring123 · 08/01/2025 19:48

thestudio · 08/01/2025 19:41

The jockeys use crops to beat the animals the length of the course. The horses are not running for the joy of it.

According to Peta "since 2000, 63 horses have died at the annual festival. "

Show quote history

Jockeys are allowed to whip the horse 6 times, 7 if a jump race, that’s not the length of the course.

The poster I quoted was still not correct in what they said regardless of your PETA quote, I was just pointing that out.

Manxexile · 08/01/2025 19:53

GasPanic · 08/01/2025 16:22

I mean if you have been friends 10 years then I am surprised she would not know that you might be against it morally if you are a vegan and work with animals.

Can't you just tell her you don't agree with racing because you don't like the idea of horses being hurt, but you'd be happy to go out for a meal/drink with her on another date ?

If she is a good friend she should understand/know it is an important part of your life.

This ^

Although I suspect the OP's friend is not aware of the OP's feelings here - otherwise she wouldn't have chosen a day at the races...

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