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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU – For wanting to break up with my 23 year old partner because he sleeps with a stuffed animal?

265 replies

DeliciousDonuts · 08/01/2025 14:27

For context, we are both 23 years old, and this is my first ever serious relationship. I will be honest, I am a bit naive when it comes to romantic relationships, I’ve never really had the chance to date much and I don’t know what a “good” partner/guy looks like? If that makes any sense? My Dad is a pile of dirt who cheats like no tomorrow, and the few friends I’ve got, have gotten unlucky with men of our age so far.

I’ll just cut straight to the chase, my current boyfriend has this massive 15 (20?) foot long stuffed dragon that he sleeps with every night that I am not there. Its like one of those serpent dragons that you’d see in Chinese or Japanese folklore. He hugs it, works on it to add details, hand washes it etc.

I’m just really struggling to understand why a 23-year old guy would need this? Its not like this stuffed animal is a childhood toy either, he literally builds a new one every year just “for the fun of it”.

It makes even less sense, because he just seems so… “normal” otherwise? He’s not coping with trauma, his family is so loving, he’s emotionally intelligent, very confident in his own skin (to the point of openly discussing the damn thing with his friends on occasion.)

Am I just… overthinking things here? Trying to find something wrong with him when there isn’t anything wrong at all? My gut tells me there is something wrong about this situation, but I’d really appreciate some other perspectives on this.

I do want to point out that he’s not without redeeming qualities though. He drives me to work at 5-6am most days even though he starts at 9am. Prioritises spending time with me above his friends, wants to play and watch games/shows that I like (even though I know he hates them), listens to me, holds hands etc. Things I’d expect most men to do regardless.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love him, he's been an amazing first boyfriend (especially looks wise, he’s like an asian Robert Pattinson.) But I cannot ignore my feelings about his stuffed animal, I would be lying if I said it didn’t bother me at all. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he’s adamant about having one for the foreseeable future.

As I said before, I’m not very experienced in dating or men, and would appreciate any perspectives you can all give on the matter. Am I being reasonable in considering breaking up? Is it a bit of a mixed bag? Perhaps not?

OP posts:
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7
Nothanks17 · 09/01/2025 06:54

Nothing wrong with it at all. He has a hobby and likes to sleep comfy.

lollylawyer · 09/01/2025 07:03

You’re unreasonable to think he “shouldn’t have one”
you’re not unreasonable if you don’t fancy him anymore because of it

out of interest do you reciprocate with equal kind gestures in terms of what he does for you? It’s never a good idea for one party to all all the kindness. I hope you watch his shows too even though you don’t like them. If you find you don’t want to give as he does, I would break up with him.

PrincessFairyWren · 09/01/2025 07:16

I am 47 and have bursitis in my shoulder. When it plays up I sleep with my arm resting on it as a pillow is too big and the toy is just right. My husband doesn’t care.

However, you can break up with someone for any reason that you want. In fact you don’t even need a reason. Just do what you want, life is too short to waste energy on relationships that aren’t right.

WWY · 09/01/2025 07:27

@DeliciousDonuts Don't feel bad OP. It is not normal for a man to sleep with cuddly animals and in my nearly 40 years I've never seen a man with one. If I did I would I wouldn't be back.
It might be a cultural thing slightly. I'm half Jamaican and there is no way in earth a Jamaican man would be caught dead sleeping with a stuffed toy 😆.

Sceptical123 · 09/01/2025 08:40

DeliciousDonuts · 09/01/2025 00:18

Hi all! Thank you for your honest opinions about the matter. Sorry I didn't get back to you all sooner, I've never posted on Mumsnet before, and didn't know it was this active. I genuinely didn't expect more than like 10-15 replies at best, but goodness over 200 now!?

I've read all of your comments thus far, and now I just feel incredibly horrible about myself. I really thought the consensus would be in my favour, as I really think the stuffed animal is a childish thing that a grown adult shouldn't have. I'd be lying to you all if I said otherwise, this is just how I feel.

The fact that the results of the poll are 90%??? Is really rattling my cage. I didn't expect almost everyone to call me out for being inconsiderate/unreasonable. I really, really thought everyone was going to agree with me on this.

Don't ask me why I thought this... I really couldn't give you a good answer other than just men shouldn't. I know that's probably going to get me flamed, I know it's not the best reason, but I am trying to be as honest as I can be here.

A common question appears to be the size of it, it's not a thick stuffed animal, it's just long. Like a snake. It wraps around him in bed. The head usually rests next to his, while the body of it just encircles his frame head to toe (he's 5'11 for reference.)

I'm sorry if most of this post comes across as a vent (it kinda is...) I cannot express how ashamed I feel getting this metaphorical kick in the butt from 90% of you. Thanks all for giving me a bit of a reality check, it's going to be hard for me to just suddenly ignore or accept the stuffed animal, but ill try.

Without meaning to sound patronising, you’ve written a really great reply and it sounds like you’ve taken on board what a lot of ppl are saying. I think if he isn’t doing it while he’s with you it should t be a problem - different if you were being pushed out of bed bc of Kaa/Mushu 😉

I’d say he’s using it to fulfil a sensory more than an emotional need - as a lot of adults as well as kids actually do. Think of it more as a body pillow or weighted blanket, but as a fun character design rather than standard grey. Out of curiosity, if it was a plain colour would you have as much of an issue do you think? Is it bc you associate it with childishness that seems at odds with a fully grown man?

I think if he was taking his childhood teddy to bed in front of you - that would be different. Though many ppl do things in the comfort of their own homes/bedrooms that makes them happy and more comfortable that they wouldn’t share or doing front of others - I guess you should take it as a massive compliment that he feels comfortable enough to make himself that vulnerable and be so honest with you. He probably wouldn’t be sharing it with the guys at work! perhaps he thought you’d maybe find it endearing or understand the urge to cuddle something as you’re a woman, or that he needs something when you’re not there bc he misses you.

Does he have a weighted blanket or body pillow? Has he ever used them? That might be another option when he decides to get rid of the latest snake/dragon, unless part of the process is he enjoys making them and using them.

*edited to correct 🐉 name! 😄

MaryWhitehouseExperienced · 09/01/2025 08:40

"it's not a thick stuffed animal, it's just long. Like a snake. It wraps around him in bed. The head usually rests next to his, while the body of it just encircles his frame head to toe (he's 5'11 for reference.)"

Honestly, I want one of these things even more now. I can see it being really nice for reading in bed etc. Please don't feel bad, OP. It's up to you if you break up with him or not. I just wish I could have his phone number as I know a number of really lovely young women who are in search of a good partner.

I would also say that if you do break up with him to do it in as kind a way as you can and not mock him about the body pillow.

Cynic17 · 09/01/2025 08:42

I'm 59, married for decades and also sleep with a stuffed animal. It's not a big deal.

Sceptical123 · 09/01/2025 08:53

Also to add - please don’t share what he does privately with anyone else - an anonymous forum is one thing, but I think it would be cruel for other ppl to judge him outside your relationship - ppl he actually knows. Think how awful it would be for it to become an in-joke - it would be cruel and he may never trust you to be himself again.

I could imagine your friends of a similar age would find it weird and funny but hopefully this forum has shown that the vast majority of different ppl can understand it and are sympathetic. This has altered your view bc you’ve had access to other opinions which they and others have not.

The last thing you’d want is to lose a potentially brilliant long term, loving relationship over something so harmless and trivial. Or risk him not being open to you in the future - the fact he has been open is an amazing sign, as is all the other qualities you previously listed. Hold onto him, he’s a rarity and sounds like a gem.

Saying that, I wish you all the best in your relationship and shared happiness together 🩷

Sceptical123 · 09/01/2025 11:02

WWY · 09/01/2025 07:27

@DeliciousDonuts Don't feel bad OP. It is not normal for a man to sleep with cuddly animals and in my nearly 40 years I've never seen a man with one. If I did I would I wouldn't be back.
It might be a cultural thing slightly. I'm half Jamaican and there is no way in earth a Jamaican man would be caught dead sleeping with a stuffed toy 😆.

But if they did they would probably make sure they were out of view when you stayed over, or sensing your view, get rid if you were living together 🤷🏼‍♀️ you’d never know they were potentially the same as OP’s bf, he’s just more honest about it.

MissDoubleU · 09/01/2025 11:55

I will reiterate from your description it sounds like he uses it more like a body pillow than something to snuggle with while he sucks his thumb.

Though, again, even if he WAS sucking his thumb men are entitled to sooth themselves and find comfort and softness in their life every bit as much as women.

I think it’s a massive green flag that he is comfortable enough in his masculinity to share this side of himself with you. The fact he only uses it when you aren’t there means it isn’t really impacting you or your sleep, either. He sounds positively lovely.

pigsDOfly · 09/01/2025 13:10

Unless this dragon is almost flat, rather than stuffed. At 20 feet he probably isn't wrapping the whole thing around his body - I'm assuming his head and arms are not encircled by the dragon - because that would just be weird😏

Branleuse · 09/01/2025 13:15

I am in my late 40s and have a collection of squishmallows that i sleep with. I have no plans to stop.

Youre NEVER too old to have a happy childhood

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/01/2025 18:35

toomuchfaff · 08/01/2025 14:32

He's not sexualising the stuffed toxic, or taking any deviant pleasure from it.

There are adverts for pillows whereby you can sleep (for comfort) with a "hug" pillow that supports your hip and shoulder, there are pillows advertised to pregnant ladies that provide body support in the right places meaning more restful sleep - is it that the "toy" supports and provides comfort to sleep?

This. I have a nearly two year old and still sleep with my pregnancy pillow to support hips and back and a tiddy to support my boobs!

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/01/2025 18:46

So... he sleeps with a 10 - 12 ft dragon he made himself.

He sounds beyond cool.. creative, caring, lovely.

You sound... like he is not the guy for you, because I think you're now hoping that if the relationship continues, he will change this aspect of who he is, for you.

Starting a relationship on the basis/hope that one party changes a significant part of who they are dooms that relationship to failure.

The work here, is all yours to do. Either you embrace and love this part of him (not 'accept' not 'ignore') or you cannot. If you cannot, then break up with him and move on - that is the kind and mature thing to do. Do not cause him to change - even if he thinks he would do so willingly... it isn't good for people to give up stuff like this for someone else. Fine if they move away from it by themselves, but giving things up for someone else leads to a festering resentment.

pigsDOfly · 09/01/2025 19:17

So... he sleeps with a 10 - 12 ft dragon he made himself.

The 'dragon', according to the OP's first post is 15-20 feet. Has it somehow shrunk?

WiddlinDiddlin · 09/01/2025 19:19

Nope, unless her boyfriend is 10ft tall...

Londonrach1 · 09/01/2025 20:34

DeliciousDonuts · 09/01/2025 00:18

Hi all! Thank you for your honest opinions about the matter. Sorry I didn't get back to you all sooner, I've never posted on Mumsnet before, and didn't know it was this active. I genuinely didn't expect more than like 10-15 replies at best, but goodness over 200 now!?

I've read all of your comments thus far, and now I just feel incredibly horrible about myself. I really thought the consensus would be in my favour, as I really think the stuffed animal is a childish thing that a grown adult shouldn't have. I'd be lying to you all if I said otherwise, this is just how I feel.

The fact that the results of the poll are 90%??? Is really rattling my cage. I didn't expect almost everyone to call me out for being inconsiderate/unreasonable. I really, really thought everyone was going to agree with me on this.

Don't ask me why I thought this... I really couldn't give you a good answer other than just men shouldn't. I know that's probably going to get me flamed, I know it's not the best reason, but I am trying to be as honest as I can be here.

A common question appears to be the size of it, it's not a thick stuffed animal, it's just long. Like a snake. It wraps around him in bed. The head usually rests next to his, while the body of it just encircles his frame head to toe (he's 5'11 for reference.)

I'm sorry if most of this post comes across as a vent (it kinda is...) I cannot express how ashamed I feel getting this metaphorical kick in the butt from 90% of you. Thanks all for giving me a bit of a reality check, it's going to be hard for me to just suddenly ignore or accept the stuffed animal, but ill try.

Honestly op you brave to ask and even more brave to accept the answers. I think you be shocked how many adults sleep with soft toys ... please look at jellycat toys and goggle what has recently happened.. I'm 49 and dh and I sleep with my childhood soft toy his sleep s on his bedside table as he is worried it might fall apart if in the bed. My dad in his late 80s has a childhood soft toy on his bedside table too... It's something people don't talk about but a lot more common than you think. You only learn when you ask so thank you for asking xxx

Londonrach1 · 09/01/2025 20:36

My only question op is please as a dragon lover please share a photo or link ...I personally think your boyfriend is a keeper as he shows himself as a soft kind man at heart!

Londonrach1 · 09/01/2025 20:39

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/01/2025 03:25

I want the dragon.....

Me too

JollyZebra · 12/01/2025 07:56

You think he's an amazing boyfriend, but you don't like his dragon.......
It's not porn, it's not other women, it's a soft toy....

What are you worrying about?

PheasantPluckers · 12/01/2025 09:35

Good luck if you think most men are emotionally intelligent, confident and will get up at 4.30am to drive you to work when they don't have to. He sounds like a gem. He may not be the gem for you, and that's OK, but his dragon is fine.

Really? He sounds like a doormat! What would people say here about a woman who got up to drive their male partner to work at 5am, hours before they have to get up, ditches their friends and did things they don't have any interest in just to please their partner?

I didn't the the toy was a huge deal until I read all the other stuff.

ensayers · 12/01/2025 09:58

A solid relationship should be 50% give and 50% take.
Not just in money, pleasure or time, but also tolerance.
If he has all the good qualities that you list and only one quality that you don't like then ask yourself whether you are bringing 50% of the tolerance to your partnership.
I know some people get the ick over the single smallest thing and always feel they have no choice but to walk away, I'd say they are unrealistic. People are quirky, it makes them interesting, it's not a bad thing.

Seagoats · 12/01/2025 10:13

LlynTegid · 08/01/2025 14:34

If that his is only quirk, consider yourself lucky.

Yep. This. He sounds a decent guy. If you had a 'thing' that was important to you for whatever reason... and you posted on here 'partner has proposed a ' thing or me' situation' He would be shot down

ForgottenPalace · 12/01/2025 10:51

I'm 45 and I sleep with a stuffed panda and I even go insane if it's not in the bed when I go to sleep, 😂. My kids sometimes take my panda and hide him because they know I can't sleep without my panda. My partner is 36 and he sleeps with a massive unicorn. I think you're being incredibly unreasonable.

PinkertyPanther · 12/01/2025 11:34

Does seem a bit odd for a 23 Yr old guy, but if everything else is good in the relationship it's probably not worth breaking up over it. OK for you to discuss it with him if it bothers you - but if he doesn't want to change - it's then up to you how you want to deal with it. You say he discusses it with other friends... how do they respond? Does he suggest an insecurity or just something he chooses to do/ make or a bit of OCD? Or just that it's something he chooses to do and doesn't want to change because it's his choice.