Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

Is home schooling a thing where you are? Try that for now and find activities to build the amount of time she's away from you? If she's been very poorly then I think she might have some trauma or anxiety surrounding that.

I would not go to pick her up

Her separation anxiety is high at the moment, I think she needs to trust that i’ll be there if there’s a problem

This. And they need to stop calling you to pick her up when she isn’t actually ill. How is she going to learn that she has to stay in school if she is allowed to come home every time she kicks off?

It’s really difficult where I am, I can start the process for it, my only issue is the socialisation aspect, she sees her friends at the weekend, but during the week, they’re all at school. There isn’t a large homeschooling community. I worry it won’t be good for her just staying with me for another 6 months until the summer holidays (even though she says that’s what she wants)
Really don’t know what’s the best for her

But you are picking her up when there isn't a problem. She's just at school.

I would be asking for a meeting with the school and discussing the difficulties she's currently having and asking what support can be put in place to help her resettle. She's had a lengthy period of illness and has probably missed out on a lot of socialising etc as a result so it may be that some form of counselling or play therapy or equine therapy would help her relearn how to regulate and grow confidence. I would ask about a reduced time table that slowly grows with additional work she can do at home. Would you have the means to hire a tutor to help her with the work since she's missed quite a bit or would the school provide some additional 1-1 support? Is there an education authority in your area you can reach out to? There needs to be a plan set in place whether that's a safe room with a classroom assistant or similar that she can use when she feels upset, calling you to come get her is taking her off the schools hands but isn't actually addressing anything so that's not an acceptable solution for them to offer. Another option is linking in with local youth service provision to see if they can offer support in school.

I get that - but right now she needs to understand she has to be at school. And that won't happen if everytime she cries she gets to go home. If that worked for me at work I think I might burst into tears each day!

Could you do half days for a while, but she has to stay until the agreed time. And school in turn have to take some responsibility and not ring you up every day? Maybe even just 2 hours a day to start, and then up it each week?

She’s not kicking off, she’s crying for me as she feels v anxious. The school know what she’s been through

That must be absolutely heart wrenching for you OP. It’s so hard.
I have an ASD child and we prepared for school really gently. Have you tried

1. a school story book? The teachers prepped this for me but you could do it yourself. Pic of child on the front, then pics of the front door, classroom, toilet, teachers, dinner hall, outside area where they play, coat hook. Then you can talk and normalise (and sell) school
2. if your abroad no uniform? If uniform then leave lying around.
3. Object of transition? If school objects there was a fashion a couple of years ago to draw a circle on the child’s hand, then anytime they need a hug from mum the press the circle? We went with a soft toy.
4. special lunch? Filled full of stuff that is very familiar.

I think this depends on how distressed she is and how long she's been very distressed for. If they're ringing immediately- that's ridiculous, if she's been distraught for an hour and is verging on panic attack then yes she needs to be collected and other strategies implemented to help her stay in school.

The problem is that she’s scared, high anxiety and finds the work too hard after missing it all

If she needs to be in school you have to try to get her there. Reassure her you will meet her at home time and be matter of fact about going and that you are not doing anything exciting or sad in her absence. Are you in a country where kids walk themselves to school? Is she in a class with friends? Speak to the teacher and agree not to call home or pick up early.

(Also, yes, you can’t be picking her up because she’s crying).

If she finding work hard then you need a tutor or do school work with her to build her confidence

Is there a drama school/performing arts class after school or weekend to build her confidence.

Can you do a reward chart for every day she goes or for every morning she does and build it up

I would stop getting her to be honest

Could you speak to the teacher and she can be given easier work for a few weeks

Ok op there's no other advice to give. Good luck

6 year olds don't get to choose what's best for them. Send her to school. Talk to her and tell her you will be there to collect her at home time but you won't be coming into school to collect her early if she cries, so no point in crying and expecting you to jump. She'll never catch up if she's not at school. I expect you're anxious because she's been ill but she's not ill now and sh needs to be at school learning and making friends.

Personally I'd be inclined give her the time if she needs it. It sounds like genuine distress from a really rough few months.

Is she 100% recovered?

If she's just upset could the school not just let you speak to her on the phone to try calm her instead of coming and taking her home. Taking her home only reinforces that there is something to be anxious about. Yes the work might seem hard but it's only going to get harder and the gap bigger the more she is out.

This is currently only mornings and she’s struggling. She wants me to be in the school
with her (part of the illness is psychological and can be anxiety and separation anxiety) I’m just not sure if i’m pushing her and she’s not ready or if she needs to be pushed more for her own good

This.

If she gets upset in school the message she is getting is she can kick off and come home. I know it is difficult when she is upset but you aren’t helping by running to pick her up. Tell
the school you wont be doing it again

Sorry to state the obvious but she is going to fall more and more behind if she is missing school again regularly. It seems like a vicious circle where she is struggling in school and that’s making her anxious and you’re collecting her so she’s missing more school and falling more behind?

Can you speak to the school and ask for extra support ? What are they doing to help her catch up? Is there an option to move down back to the pre school and start school again a year behind in September?

??

Im a parent and I was a teacher of this age group for years. I would never have called you. She's at school , everyone else is there too.She's warm and safe and the teacher can deal with any issues she has. I hated school as a child. If my mum had picked me up whenever I was upset I'd never have managed a full day.

Other option is I guess to pull her out, defer her and start her again the next school year. I am not sure if that’s an option where you are OP. But basically she’s 6. If she’s well enough to go to school, she goes. If not, then that’s a different story.