Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

Adults absolutely can be hospitalised for anxiety.

Not where we are, not usually compulsory in places for Pre school
My Dd started at 4 though

OP, what is your approach to speaking to dd about what happened, about her dislike of school etc? How have the last few days been?
I think you and she could certainly do with more support.

Op I think you need to trust your instincts with her. This isn't one of those things she get better from quickly, but if it's moving in the right direction then there's every reason to think she will in time. A lot of posters here are responding (understandably) to the issue of separation anxietyand what works for that, but that reslly isn't the issue here. Her anxiety is a very real symptom of brain inflammation rather than the root issue, as you know. I'd do whatever is necessary to help her recover and deal with school when you get to it. Her being content and not stressed is best for her recovery for now. Tutor at home, keep her back a year, whatever works. School isn't everything whereas her health and well-being is. And you can do so much at home.

Personally I'd say maintaining existing friendships is better than returning to UK as that would be a huge move from all she knows as home. But that's just my instinct, yours is more important. I mentioned fish oils earlier in the thread but I think it got buried. They're an important part of brain injury recovery so if she isn't taking any do look into it.

I feel for you op my child is older and has been ill for several years. Not pans/panda but similarly disabling and also both physical and psychological elements. We have tried all kind of schooling configurations including physical schooling ( which they never managed to do full time) home school (briefly) and finally an online school which has been successful. They are now really ready to go back to a physical school full time next school year ( with fingers crossed for exam results taken 1 year late).. I Realise your daughter is navigating primary rather than secondary schooling but I just want to give you hope and encourage you to try different configurations and not to get too worried about time frames. I would definitely recommend you ask the school to put her back a year and redo the class she is in now next year. You may also want to just take her out of school for now and focus on language and recovery. Good luck.

Did you read the post I was responding to? They were talking about death, I believe in the context that education isn’t everything. Unless a child is gravely unwell, education should still feature very highly in the list of priorities. HTH.

I really wouldn't worry about the academic side of things at this point. When she says that the lessons in school are too hard, I would imagine it has less to do with academics and more with recovering from such a serious physical illness as well as the anxiety that is part of it. Everything she would be learning in school academically as a 6-year-old can be replicated at home, not in formal lessons but through reading, writing stories, everyday maths, etc. And if she genuinely isn't up to doing much of that, I still wouldn't worry. She sounds like a bright child who could easily catch up next year, when hopefully her health will have improved. The only complication is the second language, but again that wouldn't be a major concern for me due to her age and the fact that her language skills sound quite strong already.

I understand the issue with socialisation, but it's great that she has friends nearby. That will also be the best thing for her language proficiency, playing with peers who are native speakers.

Unfortunately OP, by going to pick her up and relieve the anxiety, you are actually reinforcing for her that she had a reason to be anxious in the first place. She has to learn to sit with the anxiety and develop coping mechanisms.

Speak to school and put a plan in place. You won’t pick her up but she will have a safe space to go in school if she need time out of the classroom. Have a named adult greet her each morning and check in with her during the day.

Don’t match her anxiety, you need to show her containment and that she can be anxious but it won’t last forever.

PANS is horrific. I'd listen to your daughter.

As she enjoyed her preschool, could she go back into her last year’s classroom for the rest of the school year and then starting her first year of school with that cohort in September A sort of redoubling but it not so evident. Get the child psychologist to back you up with a certificate.
Also ask your DD to draw how she feels in different situations when she is at school. It may highlight her problems, however, better take out the black colour before she starts drawing - without her knowledge.

Hi, you tried 2 half days in September and recently tried again. I'm not sure why it stopped, but there needs to be a gradual buildup. Maybe 1 morning week 1, two mornings week 2, three mornings week 3.
If you have gaps in between it doesnt help the child get comfortable with school.
You collect her when they call. Personally I wouldn't, but I'm reading between the lines of your post, and I dont know which country you are in, but it seems school have not really given you a much of a plan either.
I dont home school but think i can be fantastic for some children. Dont rule it out. Maybe her school can given you enough to do until she returns full time.

This is a very superficial response to a very complex situation. You're responding as if this child was any other child and stopped going to school last week.

Nope. My response is one from having specific insight. Not diminishing the complexity of the situation whatsoever.

Specific insight, how?

It’s difficult when they’re young and are so attached. What happens after you pick her up?
Are there ‘consequences’ for her or is it usual mummy time. I do realise at 6 she’s still young so any ‘consequences’ should be appropriate I.e. school work at home with no special mummy time. You will have to prioritise this if she’s behind already. Ask the teacher for support and resources for this.
Then you really reward her for times she stays in school, plan the rewards together, make sure it’s something she can look forward to.
it will be hard but you make a plan and stick to it. Talk over her anxieties and she if these can be reduced, explain lots of others children will feel (or felt) the same as her when they started.
Good luck as there won’t be a quick fix but the longer it goes on the harder it will be to break the habit.

Sorry haven't had time to read through all the replies, may have been mentioned already, thinking the Not Fine In School (NFIS) Facebook page might be helpful.

Apologies OP I didn’t read the whole thread and didn’t notice the cause of her illness but I have now.
Along with what I suggested above, I’d put her back a year if you’re able to.That hopefully will take the pressure off you both and allow her to get her to socialise with other children.
Still do special rewards if she manages to stay in school and plan these together so she can look forward to them.
Good luck

Hi OP, how is your dc now? Hope the school responded positively and will allow her to drop back to preschool for the rest of this year?

Thanks so much for asking ❤️

They can’t allow her to drop back to pre school unfortunately as legally she’s not the age. They said in June they could decide if she can repeat this year, I think under the circumstances they would let her repeat in September. So now I either try her again or apply to homeschool until the summer

In my European home town there are social groups for the families, which offer help such as, school homework, learning the country’s language, tax problems lots of different things to help immigrants settle, free of charge. Ask at the school or the town hall.

Ah, I see. That's too bad, it would've been a less stressful way for her to get used to being in a class environment again.

Is the school offering any suggestions or support at all to help her get over her anxiety about being in class?

It must be so tough trying to figure out what to do for the best, I hope the school is willing to work with you to find a solution.❤

OP, good luck it really sounds like there are a lot of factors that would make repeating a year a good option.

There will be a list of official reasons for this to happen and legal responsibilities of the school. I would try and find these before. We were in a situation where the school kept saying wait and see, despite a situation where going down a year made sense and met the requirements. As soon as I wrote a polite letter with the legal requirements and medical evidence the head teacher acted quickly and went above and beyond to meet our requests (down a year in a partner school with small classes).

Hi sorry ive just seen your post and am on holiday just now but will try and find the link.
There is an address on the photo. Hope this helps.