Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

She still has aspects of the illness, this is where it’s tricky

Can you give us an idea of what the illness is/was? It's really hard to know how to best advise without the context.

Not completely no.

So would you homeschool? What about the social aspect?

what are the school proposing here? What have they suggested? Some education systems are better at SEN than others

Options are
Homeschool
Or
School

You seem to be saying school is the option so she has to go. Don't pick her up, be positive about school, when she starts listing how unhappy she was or how she doesn't want to be there listen but focus on the positives. Work with the school to find out what work she needs to catch up on.

https://notfineinschool.co.uk/

I’m not sure what advice you think can be given other than the options:

stop picking her up and tell the school to stop phoning every 5 minutes

homeschool

defer

Tge longer she is off the harder she will find it. I'd get her some private support to help her get up to speed but I would taje her and leave her at school, I would not pick her up if she cries. Many kids would prefer to be at home - it's a battle if wills which parents need to win.

Ablondiebutagoody

I would not go to pick her up

We had issues before and said we wouldn’t come in to collect to send them back to class and we were told we had to and the. called in another day for a ‘meeting’ - totally fair enough, their whole class can’t fall apart because they have to deal with a student having issues. If they ring because it’s not working the op needs to get straight down there and take the child out. Sorry op, no help the only thing I’d say is be known to the teacher, chat and see what works, what is a good day and what causes things to turn. It’s so hard x

Can you defer her? Get her some counselling and work on time away from you between now and then.

What is the illness?

You are anxious. She is picking up on that and being anxious so the cycle goes on and on. If the doctors are happy for her to be in a school environment then that's that. You need to try your best to be matter of fact. She's 6 , that's school age, the others are at school, you'll have fun blah blah. You don't really believe it just now but you absolutely have to present it as if you do. It's a school day, I'll see you later, have a lovely day. End of

Highly recommend reading this if you can: https://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/products/book/overcoming-series/overcoming-childs-fears-worries-cathy-creswell-lucy-willetts/

And this is likely becoming a learned behavior. And you pandering to her is not breaking the cycle. She gets anxious, she starts, she gets ti come home. The school need to be on board to and distract her. Otherwise how long do you propose allowing this to go on for? You will have a school refuser on your hands, she won’t get her exams, and then what?

I would, if I believed it to be in her best interests.

She's already not getting the social aspect, but I think taking the pressure off her for a while and giving her space might help in the long term. If it was an adult struggling in work that much then we'd all be advising time off. It's not permanent, it's taking a step back so that she might progress better at a slower pace.

Poor kid, she must be feeling terrible.

Ive been considering this. Her birthday is end of July, so she is the second youngest in the class, many turned 7 end of September/October.
This would give her chance to relax a bit and play and do craft activities and be with some of her old friends and teacher.
I’m not sure if this is allowed so would need to check

Just really don’t know what to do for the best, it’s so stressful and worrying

Is she having any kind of therapeutic support at all? She needs access to OT and psychologist to help with the process of transitioning her back to school. Does she have a diagnoses of anxiety?
I don't think this is something you or the school are qualified to sort out without professional support

I also think that the difficulty of the work is a red herring and there is no need for tutors or catching up. She's missed one term of the first school year and there will be a massive range of abilities. I've spent some time in equivalent UK classes. Trust me, they aren't onto algebra yet. They're probably still mastering how to sit on the carpet.

In the U.K. they can’t force you to pick up the child unless they exclude them. They will often chance their luck to avoid it and parents will go along with it as they don’t want their child excluded but schools should be following proper procedures to exclude if it is justified. I know it is hard we had this with my own son (ASD) a few times and it was only after we’d picked him up a few times I received legal advice that they shouldn’t be doing this and it was an unlawful exclusion

Can you go into school and stay in the classroom with her? Kind of like an extended settling in period?

You're reinforcing in her head that anxiety is something to run away from rather than something that we "see through until it passes". Longterm, that's not helpful. If she's physically able to be in school then I'd work with her to manage her anxiety, see if she can have an assistant at school to help her along, and pick her up at lunchtime every day. I dont think defering her 1 more year will help anything.

Would the school let you come in with her for a bit? I was allowed to do this when my son started school. He has severe separation anxiety and autism. He started mornings only and I attended with him for a bit and then started sitting in the staff room for 30 minutes and gradually increased it until I was there all morning. Then I stopped staying at all. Then we added afternoons. He's very settled now (with extra support).

Also they need to give her appropriately differentiated work. Or no work at all to start with.

Alternatively is there any scope in your country for her to start a year late?

Be overly positive and enthusiastic about school. Tell her you’ll see her at 3pm and pick her up at the end of the school day

Have you tried doing afternoons only? That way she would be picked up with the rest of the children as "normal" and encouraging her to stay until then might feel more of an achievement for her whereas staying in an extra hour in the morning so that she can still be picked up on her own at a different time to everyone else might be less motivation for her

Gradual separation is something to try. Does she have a watch and can she tell the time (hours at least)? Try taking her for the first hour and telling her you'll be back for her in an hour. Gradually increase that until she's doing half a day. Then move to picking her up after the end of lunch hour. Eventually, start doing parts of afternoons until she's doing a whole day.

The school shouldn't be giving her work that's too difficult for her. Have you spoken with the teacher about meeting her needs? She should be learning at the level that's appropriate to where she is. You could also be teaching her at home so ask the school for guidance on where to start.