Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

I was in a similar situation with my daughter, she’d had glandular fever, recovery was very long.

I asked the school to arrange a phased return to school, as she was in high school they also dropped lessons that weren’t necessary, such as Spanish and Graphic Design, so she could concentrate on the core subjects. This took a lot of persuasion and the support of the local education authority, but we got there in the end.

It’s so difficult as a parent to experience this, so all of the remarks basically saying leave her to cry are harsh. She needs to build up the hours and her confidence as she recovers, 🤗

Socialisation shouldn't be your main concern right now. She needs a break from the schooling system for now. She won't be locked in a basement, she'll get lots of forms of natural socialisation out in day to day life.

Socialisation is often a parent's biggest fear when considering home education, and only after they start it, they realise it should have never held them back.

Would there be short term provision for her perhaps to be taken somewhere quiet by a trusted teacher / assistant when she starts to get overwhelmed? I was a very anxious child and had huge operation anxiety when I went to school and found it very hard so I hugely sympathise.

Alternatively could she take in something from home that gave her comfort? A bear or a picture of you perhaps?

She just says she’s too scared and wants to stay with me, that the work is too hard, she’s frightened and worried.

You think you're teaching her you'll be there when she needs you, but you're not.

You're teaching her that when something is hard, you will "rescue" her from it, because she can't do it by herself.

If you don't go to fetch her, what happens next is she feels panicked at first because she is going to have to find her own way of coping. Then she copes, because she has to. She learns that she can cope without being rescued.

I also think deferring if possible would be great. My dd was very anxious and close to school refusal at your dd’s age. For separation, you could try the hug button. You can also buy actual hug button badges. With dd we got a child psychologist involved. This made such a difference to her.

I'd ask if she could move down a year now (especially as she's so young in her year anyway, plus has missed the best part of the term, has ongoing health issues and is learning in her second language which she isn't yet fluent in) and, if they won't do that (though I would want a really good reason from them why not) then I'd see if you can pull her out and then put her back in in the year she's currently in in September. The current system isn't working and doesn't sound like it going to, so a solution outside of rinse and repeat will need to be found.

This sounds very challenging @Palmtreesinthewinds.

The school absolutely needs to work with you both on a plan to get her into school and staying in school.

How’s about she has a phased return, for example morning only. School promises to keep her in for that time period.

Can you then afford a tutor who can then help bring her up to speed on what she has missed in the afternoon? Being able to manage the work will reduce her anxiety.

Then she can build up her hours.

That is categorically not true for all children.

The OP's reasoning is valid for some children.

Have you spoken to teacher about the level of work? Perhaps some you can help her with at home. What is she scared of specifically?Noise, fear of failure or telling off, being "new", that you won't meet her? Just a few days in seems early to make a decision.

If her first language is English and she hasn't been exposed much to the language of the country you currently live in (due to not spending time in pre-school), then I'm not surprised she's anxious and falling behind at school. She probably doesn't understand what's going on.

I’d she is finding the work difficult due to her absences, have you been doing studying at home with her? Would it help if whilst she was transitioning to school she did learning at home with you to bridge the gap?

I'd look at deferring and hold her back until the next year, but she needs either help from you or a tutor to academically prepare her for what she will be facing when she does go back, she also needs help from a clinical psychologist as a previous poster suggested.

I held my DC back a year in pre-school because one just wasn't ready academically and the other seemed anxious and not very confident. They started kindergarten at age 6 instead of 5. They were able to get into an accelerated academic program in high school and I noticed that nearly all the children in that program had also been held back a year in pre-school.

If she hasn't really been in school all year how much work are you doing with her at home to help her keep up?

With regards to home schooling, you say your worry is about socialisation- realistically how much socialising is she doing now? Sounds like she is gojng in, crying, and coming home. So keeping her in school 'for socialisation' doesn't seem useful

If you are able to, I would homeschool until summer and get her some therapy and support with learning the second language in the hope you can get her back next year

She’s needs to be pushed in the direction where she is in school more to actually catch up and u need to make it clear to her the more she stays away the harder it will be for her u have to be the parent it’s hard but it will be worth it just stay strong and know deep down your doing the correct thing
Make it clear to the teachers unless she is ill with current illness they must not call u unlesss it’s serious x

She’s scared of everything at the moment, scared to get told otf, to do the work, kids saying things, seems all her confidence is gone, she wasn’t like this before getting ill

And actually bloody stick to it

Fear of the unknown is worse than it actually is but that’s Anxiety she will do well to just face it head on and if u stay strong and be firm it will work out x

She speaks around 80% of the language and was exposed to it in pre school

I think it’s clear a lot of other posters have never dealt with Emotional Based School Avoidance. I’m a primary school teacher-huge upsurge of this since Covid. Definitely not as simple as “just leave her there”, “ don’t collect” etc.
Will need a collaborative effort from the school and possibly ed psych intervention? Have you tried play therapy? Can be very useful with EBSA. But I’ve seen children thrive after EBSA so all is not lost!
Feel free to DM me (if that’s allowed?!).

I’ve tried, but she’s been too ill to cope with it and gets v overwhelmed

Re the work, my daughter is 6 (July 31st), schooled in a country where schooling starts at 6 years old. Daughter was in pre-school until 20 June, when year finished. She started Year 1 Primary in September and basically, what they do is go over recognising numerals, letters, start to read etc etc based on what they were doing in the last quarter of pre-school, as they have new pupils who may have never attended preschool. So really, the work couldn´t have been any different to what she had already done, before she fell ill. I think it has more to do with separation anxiety. And it is this you need to tackle with the school. The more school she misses the further behind she´ll be and the ball will grow and grow.

Yes but she left pre-school in May (due to illness) and only did 2 half days of school in September and then was off school again for several months (due to crying at school). That's a lot of disruption. Hire a tutor to help her with maths and reading and don't answer the phone when the school tries to call and ask for you to pick your daughter up. Maybe look into child psychologists too.

Edit - she isn't acting like this because she's one of the youngest. I was also one of the youngest in my year and wasn't behind with work or anxious. Something is deeply upsetting your daughter and she should seek professional help.

Possibly not relevant if your not England. But... if this was England you would be sensible to get a relationship with the school home link worker and the senco. Special Educational Needs isn't just neurodiversity. It can be anxiety and trama. Anything that is a barrier to learning. Sencos and home link workers in theory should know all sorts of interventions and reasonable adjustments and about school refusal. In reality in England they are fire fighting and can't / dont always help. But it's all under their remit

I've dealt with it and think that it's mainly bollocks. We do our kids (and schools actually) no favours by making them and their parents believe that they need all that stuff in order to simply attend school.