Can’t get my child to school

[Palmtreesinthewinds]

What would you do? really need help/advice 🙏

We live in another country where they start formal schooling at age 6.
My dc was in pre school part time from age 4-6 (she turned 6 end of July)
In May she got ill and stayed off Pre school, she is only really recovering now (still not 100% but we’re hopefully getting there)
She tried Year 1 for two half days in September and couldn’t cope, we just tried back this week and she found the work too hard and was very anxious and wants to stay with me.
I just cannot get her to school, she gets very very upset about it and once in, cries a lot and they call me to come and pick her up.

I don’t know what to do at all.
Legally I have to have her in school, we’ve had the Drs reports and absence letters up until now, but their recommendation is to try to get her back to school.

What would you do?

Are you employed at the moment?

If not then I would ask the school if I could volunteer in her class.

From that, work to reducing the hours/days you volunteer. Or volunteer in a different classroom.

Then carry on reducing as she learns to cope until you withdraw from it completely.

You transition her yo a full school day in a way that she can cope with and you provide the school with the free services of a qualified teacher.

Yes, it's a lot of work for you but it's not forever and if you would consider home schooling but are worried about the social aspect then this might be a solution.

She knows you're a pushover. Just take her to school and leave her there - no excuses.

You've a long road ahead of you with school. If you can't get her there aged 6, think what she will be like by 16.

It's non-negotiable. She goes to school, end of.

Do you speak the language at home? Can you do Duolingo together? Read books? Sing songs?

My primary education was in my second language and I just had to learn and push through. But if parents aren't actively encouraging usage of the school language, that's a major blocker.

Btw in the country I grew up in, doing a year over to meet a child's needs is common in both primary or secondary - very unlike the UK.

My daughter is autistic and really struggled with the first two years of school, she had terrible separation anxiety. I took her out before Christmas in year one and then homeschooled until the beginning of year two. She is in year three now and is absolutely fine going in, like a different child. Some children just need to be at home for longer than others.

Much better, it’s my dream, but we can’t afford it unfortunately

How was she before she got ill? Was she happy in school then? I think with her being young for her year, and with the language issue, I'd try to keep her back a year, so she goes back to what she was used to last year, and makes friends to move on with.

If that's not possible I'd ask if you can do a very gradual return, where you take her in and she stays for half an hour on day 1 (maybe you even stay with her, if that's allowed) and gradually increase it.

Have you talked to school about what might help and what they can offer?

Ultimately at that age I wouldn't leave her in school sobbing for hours - if it was a couple of minutes and then she was fine, that's different, but if it's hours and she still doesn't really settle then it's not doing anyone any good and it'll just reinforce in her mind that "school is bad". I wouldn't jump straight to home education, but it could be a possibility if she's really unhappy.

Bless her, she’s so young. She’s has a medical condition to contend with which she’s not 100% recovered from, she’s at school which isn’t her first language. No wonder she feels overwhelmed. I think the social aspect is a red herring and not really important for her right now, I’d be home schooling with a view of approaching school again in the future.

It obviously isn't valid for this child, considering that she's becoming more and more anxious.

Sometimes you experience negative emotions, like fear, anxiety, sadness, and anger. If we teach children that those emotions are unacceptable and as soon as they express them the environment will immediately change to eliminate the emotion, they are learning that they cannot feel like that and they should feel happy and relaxed all the time. Learning, "I felt scared. I didn't like the feeling. I went through it. It ended. I am OK," is better than, "I felt scared. This made the adults around me uncomfortable. They called a parent to come and take me away. If I'd stayed, something awful would have happened. Maybe it will happen tomorrow."

Hi OP. Not to jump on the bandwagon of ‘neurodivergence’ but I recognise the extreme separation anxiety at that age which I had with my son who has ADHD/ASD. We didn’t realise it until he was a bit older but I wish we had of had a diagnosis and support much earlier. Does she show any other signs of possibly being neurodiverse as anxiety is often caused by underlying issues?

Well now she's missing more. That's not going to make it any easier for her!

completely disagree with those that say not to pick her up. There is a reason she doesn’t want to be at school. I would ask for a meeting with the senco and see if there is a chance there is some underlying issues there. Is there any neurodiversity? Girls present different to boys. Anxiety could suggest potential asd. At 6 she doesn’t have the ability to be able to communicate with ppl effectively what the problems are. My child ended up being seriously ill as I made her attend and she stopped eating and it’s taking a lot of therapy now to build her back up.
she subsequently has had an educational psychologist identify a range of issues with working memory, processing speed and development coordination disorder (dyspraxia) as well as autism.
Can you try rag rate the day? What part of school does she not like? This may help you to identify the problems. Try working with the school to get support in place.

Finally a poster with some common sense. Far too much namby pamby parenting going on.

Have ASC child. Would recommend you find someone with expertise with behaviour / anxiety (eg applied behaviour analysis / psychology). They will help with a gradual exposure programme and also teach her coping strategies. I’d suggest she attend the end of the session eg the last x mins, then build up backwards. That way she experiences success (she made it to the end of the session and didn’t leave early). For some children a system linked to a motivating reward works well. I had to work on just leaving the house when DS was young and we literally practised me going out for 10 seconds, then 20 etc and building up. Going back to the younger class also seems a good idea and she can practice visits to the older class from there if necessary. Another thing we’ve used is starting an activity (could be with you) outside the class like a wordsearch or colouring or worksheet and then taking the activity with her and completing it at the desk in class. This removes the anxiety about what she will be doing when arrives in class as she’s already started it. It doesn’t matter she isn’t doing what the rest of class is this is about getting her being comfortable there. They can then gradually introduce the next task. I’d also agree choosing the sessions she enjoys the most. Does she understand time or could she have a timer that counts down eg if she is going to attend the last 15 minutes of the session.

I was this kid i spent a lot of time in hospital as a child and had severe separation anxiety i think this is quite a normal response in this situation. If you keep her off school you are feeding into her anxiety and will make it worse. But I also don't agree with the tough shit shouting at her approach that I got. You need to work with the school, drs and mental health services to get her back to school in a way that isn't traumatising and works for everyone

She'll get over it. Stop pandering to her and tell the school not to phone you. If you were working you'd have to leave her there.

The school need to do more to support you. Instead of just sending her home when she's crying. A meeting should be held with action plans in different areas how to support you both. Is there no pastrol care at the school? It just sounds all lacking in proper understanding or support. Also the GP might be s good place to refer her to help manage her anxiety etc

If you’re in a country where skipping a year is possible that’s what I’d do.

Put her into pre school from now onwards for 4 mornings a week, ideally with a break on the Wednesday. And then on the Wednesday do some home school with her around the second language (or at least tv if you don’t speak it).

Then in the summer term increase to full week full days in preschool. With a view to starting year 1 I’m September.

Has she been assessed for longer term conditions which the illness may have caused? Is there a programme of ongoing therapy to help her recover?

Is it an option to send her back to pre school and essentially move her back a year due to her illness? Would the school let you stay with her? So you could slowly move away. Maybe as a teachers helper for a while and then withdraw over time?
I think some of these comments are awful. This is a child who has been through so much. Her education is not more important than her well being.

I'm really sorry for everything you have gone through as a family.
We had similar health issues and severe anxiety. We did the advise from school and that others have posted here of forcing child in everyday (against my better instinct).
We kept being told that in a short time child would be fine and problems would resolve.

I often would have to physically dress child (It was physically and emotionally draining for me as an adult) child as stiff as a board this wasn't an easy task. Carry child to car.
Child hyperventilating on journey and as white as a sheet.

Child forced into school by all sorts of tactics by schools. Child lied to by being told mummy hasn't answered phone.

School telling me that child was fine once I left but with no idea of just how much they were struggling.

Child self harming, child violence towards parents. Child not sleeping.

We asked for help so many times.

I watched my child who had already been through so much medical treatment become a shell. Time and force of school actually didn't resolve the issue but caused long term mental health damage

I will never forgive myself for ignoring my own judgement and listening to the school and society who kept telling me that child had to be in school. We will never undo the damage caused by school.

We did move to home educating when things deteriorated further. We should have done this much earlier. We have been judged negatively by the school and people in society really have no idea of what families like mine go through.
schools said child needs to be in school for their future but they need to understand some children would rather kill themselves than be made to go to school.

I don't know exactly what is right for your child @Palmtreesinthewinds but taking time to have fun together, to allow your child time to recover from her health problems, to remember what life is all about could reset the balance.
She is 6 years old if you defer school start till sept she will finish education 1 year later than her peers. What is 1 year in a lifetime. This maybe enough to reduce the level of anxiety.

Or maybe it won't and home ed maybe something to consider

The current set up isn't working (she isn't settling to school currently - my guess is that the school must be concerned to contact you to collect) and something needs to change

Being almost the youngest in the class gives her a disadvantage before you account for anything else. I'm pretty pro home education, but for your daughter it sounds like the school is being a bit drippy about it all - from what you have said, dropping down a year would be an enormous help for her. She would catch up on what she has missed, lock down her language confidence, have a slightly more relaxed environment, be one of the physically biggest and most (brain) developed in her class and generally have a better time.

But then, the school also needs to stop calling you because it sounds like it has become habitual for the poor child - she is learning that you will always come and rescue her if school get challenging.

I think the two have to happen together though - she is having a crap time trying to catch up in her current class, so no wonder she wants you. Let her go down a year, and try to manage on her own for a bit.

@Palmtreesinthewinds I’ve read all your replies but not all the posts so apologies if someone else has suggested this but why can’t you stay with her in the classroom? Are you or your partner working so are you having to come from work when the school call? If you’re not working, then could you arrange with the school you’re there with her in the classroom and gradually reduce how long you’re there for? A friend did this for a while when her DS was really unhappy (his parents were separating) and the teacher and Head were really good about letting her sit in the classroom for first half hour of the day. He had already been to school though so had friends and knew the routine.

Huge sympathies, @Palmtreesinthewinds. I've been where you are and it is exhausting and worrying and impacts your life and your family's so much. Not post-illness, but my DD just didn't get along with one teacher in primary and started crying and getting anxious and saying she didn't want to go in and it was, frankly, a nightmare. I came on MN for advice (we're talking 10 years ago now!) and posters said the same thing about making sure she goes in every day even if she's upset and not picking her up early. They were 100% spot on. Your daughter needs to understand that she has to stay at school all day, even if it's tough, and the more you give her a get-out clause, the more she'll invoke it. It's a little bit of tough love but in the long run it's worth it. Someone also recommended this book and it was fantastic, a game-changer. Within weeks mine had stopped crying and was going to school without any fuss. Definitely worth you checking out.

Sounds like you need a transition plan
Start with going in just after the bell when everyone else is settled down. Stay an hour/till first break.
Once she is comfortable, agree what happens at playtime. Stay for that. Once that is OK, stay for the next lessons and pick her up before lunch as so on.
Importantly, get to grips with what she has missed and spend the rest of the time working through it so she catches up.